• 1996
• 1997
• 1998
• 1999
• 2000
• 2001
• 2002
• 2003
• 2004
• 2005
• 2006
• 2007
• 2008
• 2009
• 2010
• 2011
• 2012

• <<
• 02.05.03 |
• 02.12.03 |
• 02.19.03 |
• 02.26.03 |
• 03.05.03 |
• 03.12.03 |
• 03.26.03 |
• 04.02.03 |
• 04.09.03 |
• 04.16.03 |
• 04.23.03
• >>

N. Korea Wondering What It Has To Do To Attract U.S. Military Attention

• Friendship Moving Way Too Fast

  ISSUE 39•05 | 02.12.03 | News

  GLENDALE, CA—Expressing a desire to "slow things down and keep it casual," Troy Lanier, 28, said Monday that his friendship with Scott Perotta, 27, is moving way too fast. more»

  

• Ashcroft Orders Staff To Chain Him Tightly Before Next Full Moon

  ISSUE 39•05 | 02.12.03 | News

  WASHINGTON, DC—In a move that has sparked widespread speculation, Attorney General John Ashcroft gave explicit orders to his staff Monday to tightly bind him in heavy iron chains before the next full moon on Sunday, Feb. 16. more»

  

• Kids Excited Mom Learning To Swear

  ISSUE 39•05 | 02.12.03 | News

  PESHTIGO, WI—After a lifetime of assiduously avoiding the use of foul language, Helen Chernak, 59, is finally learning to swear, her delighted offspring reported Monday. more»

  

• Saddam Enrages Bush With Full Compliance

  ISSUE 39•05 | 02.12.03 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON, DC—President Bush expressed frustration and anger Monday over a U.N. report stating that Iraqi president Saddam Hussein is now fully complying with weapons inspections. "Enough is enough," a determined Bush told reporters. "We are not fooled by Saddam's devious attempts to sway world opinion by doing everything the U.N. asked him to do. We will not be intimidated into backing down and, if we have any say in the matter, neither will Saddam." Bush added that any further Iraqi attempt to meet the demands of the U.N. or U.S. will be regarded as "an act of war." more»

• U.S. Council Of Coolness Releases Formal Statement On Prince

  ISSUE 39•05 | 02.12.03 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON, DC—On Monday, the U.S. Council of Coolness released its long-awaited ruling on Prince, declaring the recording artist "provisionally cool" by a 13-11 margin. "This was a more difficult decision than it should have been," the 240-page report read. "In the end, however, albums like 1999 and Sign O' The Times are sufficiently brilliant to offset such padded late-period dorkfests as Rave Un2 The Joy Fantastic and The Rainbow Children." The Council of Coolness warned that the decision could be reversed if Prince records one more rap in which he declares himself "super-fonky" or "2 jammin' 4 U." more»

• Laid-Off Zoologist Goes On Tranquilizing Rampage

  ISSUE 39•05 | 02.12.03 | News in Brief

  SAN DIEGO—Twelve San Diego Zoo visitors and two employees were brutally sedated Monday, when laid-off zoologist Dr. Brian Vermeer, 41, returned to his former place of work armed with a tranquilizer gun and began firing into a crowd. "It was kind of horrible," said Maria Christopher, 44, who witnessed the tranquilizing spree. "People were gently falling asleep over the course of 20 to 30 seconds everywhere." The spree ended when Vermeer turned his gun on himself, knocking himself out for half an hour. more»

• Laffy Taffy Writer Disdains Bazooka

  ISSUE 39•05 | 02.12.03 | News in Brief

  ITASCA, IL—Bruce Palmer, a writer and editor for Nestle's "Laffy Taffy" line of joke-bearing fruit-flavored chews, holds Topps Bazooka gum and its line of complimentary comic art in sneering contempt, he revealed Monday. "Don't get me wrong: In the Golden Age of the 1970s and 1980s, Bazooka Joe was amazing—a big influence on me," the 43-year-old Palmer said. "But when Topps went all corporate, and the P.C. suits made them dump [sombrero-clad mischief-maker] Pesty, it all went downhill." Palmer went on to dismiss Bazooka as "a stain on the proud literary genre of candy-wrapper humor." more»

• High-School Teacher Constantly Using Janitor As Example

  ISSUE 39•05 | 02.12.03 | News in Brief

  GRAND FORKS, ND—Arnold Danielson, a chemistry teacher at Warren G. Harding High School, has for the past eight years used custodian Howard Sievert as a living warning to underachieving or misbehaving students. "When my grades started to slip, Mr. Danielson took me aside and said, 'Well, you can buckle down and study harder... or you can end up like old Howie,'" sophomore Dave Netzel said. "Boy, I got the hint big-time." Netzel said Danielson is also fond of asking tardy students to name their favorite car and then informing them that such a car is unaffordable on a janitor's salary. more»

• The King Of Pop Speaks

  ISSUE 39•05 | 02.12.03 | Infographic

  Last week, ABC aired Living With Michael Jackson, a candid two-hour documentary on the eccentric superstar. more»

  

• Horoscope for the week of February 12, 2003

  ISSUE 39•05 | 02.12.03 | Horoscope

  The media will proclaim you the new John F. Kennedy for your charisma, sense of style, and massive gunshot wound to the back of the head. more»

• How Are America's Singles Spending Valentine's Day?

  ISSUE 39•05 | 02.12.03 | Statshot

  

• Decision To Ask Out Girl Made Using 10-Sided Die

  ISSUE 39•05 | 02.12.03 | News in Photos

  

• Fashion Plate Smashed

  ISSUE 39•05 | 02.12.03 | News in Photos

  

• People Of Earth: We Come In Search Of Quality Name-Brand Footwear At Reasonable Prices

  ISSUE 39•05 | 02.12.03 | Commentary

  Citizens of Earth! I greet you on behalf of our leader, the grand exalted Emperor Xervandian. We have been dispatched from Zarvox, the 18th planet in the Klaator-Na quadrant. Do not be alarmed. We do not wish to harm you. Ours is a peaceful mission. We come in search of quality name-brand footwear at reasonable prices. more»

• You Will Know Love

  ISSUE 39•05 | 02.12.03 | Commentary

  Erase all doubt from your mind, for tonight, you will know love. Let me tell you how I am going to lay it down. more»

• The Future Of NASA

  ISSUE 39•05 | 02.12.03 | American Voices

  In the wake of the Columbia tragedy, many are questioning the wisdom and necessity of NASA's manned-space-flight program. What do you think? more»

• Texan Unable To Trick NASA Into Hauling Old Washing Machine Off Lawn

• 14th Caller Only Caller