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Bush Offers Taxpayers Another $300 If We Go To War

• Alaska-Yukon Moose Dimly Aware Of Drew Barrymore's Career Path

  ISSUE 39•08 | 03.05.03 | News

  YUKON TERRITORY—In an impressive display of the star's reach, a team of University of Calgary zoologists announced Monday the discovery of an Alaska-Yukon moose with a "faint but definite" awareness of the career arc of Drew Barrymore. more»

  

• White History Year Resumes

  ISSUE 39•08 | 03.05.03 | News

  WASHINGTON, DC—Scholars say there is a remarkable wealth of documented white history to explore this coming March through December. more»

  

• Undercover Cop Never Knew Selling Drugs Was Such Hard Work

  ISSUE 39•08 | 03.05.03 | News

  PHILADELPHIA—Officer Rick Bastone said he realized those drug-dealing scumbags really earn their pay. more»

  

• Movie Marketed As Six Different Genres

  ISSUE 39•08 | 03.05.03 | News in Brief

  NEW YORK—Confessions Of A Dangerous Mind, the Miramax film based on the memoirs of Gong Show creator Chuck Barris, is being marketed as six different genres, sources reported Tuesday. "So far, I've seen TV ads making it look like a romantic comedy, a spy thriller, a Hollywood satire, a straightforward biopic, and a strange, Being John Malkovich-esque mind-bender," said Daniel Taubman, 24, of Chapel Hill, NC. "I heard there's also one that makes it look like a chick flick, playing up the whole Drew Barrymore/Julia Roberts angle, but I haven't seen it. It probably runs on Lifetime or Oxygen or something." more»

• After 10 Months Of Bitter Struggle, Downstairs Neighbor Masters 'Jumpin' Jack Flash'

  ISSUE 39•08 | 03.05.03 | News in Brief

  GAINESVILLE, FL—After 10 months of bitter, around-the-clock struggle, pizza-delivery driver and aspiring guitarist Darren Lowell, 23, has finally mastered The Rolling Stones' "Jumpin' Jack Flash," his upstairs neighbor reported Tuesday. "I'm glad he finally nailed it," neighbor Jeremy Quinlan said. "From what I could hear through my living-room floor these past 10 months, he was really locked in an epic battle with that elusive 'dunh-dunh, da-da-da da-da-da da-da-da' riff. It was truly like Ahab and the whale." Next week, Lowell is slated to embark on his next ambitious project, Van Halen's "Eruption," which is scheduled for completion in the spring of 2004. more»

• Rich First-Grader Buys Whole Sheet Of Gold Stars

  ISSUE 39•08 | 03.05.03 | News in Brief

  BREMERTON, WA—Lakeside Elementary first-grader Max Carr, son of Boeing CEO Robert Carr, used a small portion of his $100 weekly allowance Monday to buy himself a sheet of the gold stars used to reward academic achievement. "I don't get why all the kids work so hard to get good grades just for a sticker," Carr said. "I only got a C-minus on my phonics homework, but Mommy took me to the mall, and now I have 10 gold stars—more than anybody in the whole class." Carr said his "dumb classmates have no idea" that students can simply purchase a sheet of "Great Job!" Mickey Mouse stickers at a store. more»

• U.S. Capitol Cleaning Turns Up Long-Lost Constitution

  ISSUE 39•08 | 03.05.03 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON, DC—Lost for nearly two years, the U.S. Constitution was found Tuesday behind a couch in the Governor's Reception Room. "Wow, I forgot all about that thing," said U.S. Sen. Chris Dodd (D-CT), who found the historic document while vacuuming. "Nobody knew what happened to it. Guess it must've fallen back there during a meeting." After making the find, Dodd spent several minutes rereading some of his favorite old amendments. more»

• Moral Tacked Onto End Of Man's Life

  ISSUE 39•08 | 03.05.03 | News in Brief

  NORTH PLATTE, NE—Immediately following his death Tuesday, a moral was hastily tacked onto the life of North Platte resident Roy Brooks. "As Roy's life plainly illustrated, you'll catch more flies with honey than with vinegar," said Rev. Paul Winters, speaking from Brooks' death bed at St. Augustus Memorial Hospital. "If there's anything this man taught us, it is surely that." Responding to the statement, Brooks' loved ones agreed that they had learned a valuable lesson. more»

• Hollywood Vs. The War

  ISSUE 47•52 ISSUE 39•08 | 03.05.03 | Infographic

  From Sean Penn to Sheryl Crow, celebrities have been prominent in the anti-war movement. How have stars registered their opposition? more»

  

• Horoscope for the week of March 5, 2003

  ISSUE 39•08 | 03.05.03 | Horoscope

  All those jokes about your attention span would probably get you down if you ever stuck around to see how they end. more»

• What Are We Microwaving Just To See What Happens?

  ISSUE 39•08 | 03.05.03 | Statshot

  

• Kuwait Deploys Troop

  ISSUE 39•08 | 03.05.03 | News in Photos

  

• Fox News Reporter Asks The Questions Others Are Too Smart To Ask

  ISSUE 39•08 | 03.05.03 | News in Photos

  

• Would You Care To Join Me For An Unbelievably Awkward Dinner Sometime?

  ISSUE 39•08 | 03.05.03 | Commentary

  Hey, Julie, it's Mike Toomey. You remember me, right? We met at Kevin's party last weekend. That was some party, wasn't it? I had a really great time. And it was definitely cool talking to you. Anyway, I know this may seem a little out of the blue, but I was wondering if maybe you'd be interested in joining me for an unbelievably awkward dinner sometime. more»

• Why Can't We Live In Enlightened Topless Europe?

  ISSUE 39•08 | 03.05.03 | Commentary

  I realize that speaking out in favor of Europe is not a wise thing to do these days, but I must give credit where credit is due. My tour of Europe last summer opened my eyes to a rich culture where people place a premium on conversations about philosophy and ideas rather than last night's episode of Friends. Food is prepared and savored, not popped in the microwave and inhaled. And women are free to expose their breasts, not forced to hide them behind layers of constricting fabric. Why, oh, why, can't we live in enlightened topless Europe? more»

• The Great White Tragedy

  ISSUE 39•08 | 03.05.03 | American Voices

  Some are calling for criminal charges to be filed against the band Great White for its role in the deadly Feb. 20 pyrotechnics fire in Rhode Island. What do you think? more»

• Halfway-House Resident Gets To Second

• Gay Man Comes Out To Cat