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Issue 3912

Government No Longer Even Bothering To Hide Halliburton Favors

WASHINGTON, DC—With last week's announcement that it will award Halliburton a lucrative contract to put out Iraqi oil-well fires after the war, the U.S. government has officially stopped trying to hide its favoritism toward the Houston-based company. "When we first started cutting Halliburton sweetheart deals, we'd worry about how it would look, with Dick Cheney being their former CEO and all," White House press secretary Ari Fleischer said. "Somewhere along the line, though, we just kind of said, 'Ah, fuck it.'" Fleischer added that Halliburton has something "real juicy" coming its way when the U.S. invades Iran in July 2004.

Second-Grade Class Has No Questions For Visiting Local Historian

KENOSHA, WI—Roberta Litt's second-graders at LaFollette Elementary School failed to come up with a single question for visiting local historian Elmer Rasmussen Tuesday. "Come on, folks," said Litt, scolding her class. "Mr. Rasmussen was nice enough to come all the way down here today to tell us about immigrant-farmstead life in the 19th century. I find it hard to believe that not one of you has a question." Following an uncomfortable two minutes of silence, Litt ordered the children to put their heads down on their desks for the remainder of the period.

I've Got Oscar (And War) Fever!

Item! There's only one story on the minds of people across this great nation right now: the 75th anniversary Academy Awards. And Jackie Harvey was right there in the front row... of his living room! I know there are people out there who say there are more important things to worry about in these troubled times. Well, what better way to forget your troubles than with a fabulous awards ceremony?

Celine In Las Vegas

Celine Dion recently began a three-year, $100 million engagement at Caesars Colosseum, a theater built specifically for her.

Bush Thought War Would Be Over By Now

WASHINGTON, DC—Following a 12th consecutive day of fighting, a puzzled and frustrated President Bush confided to military advisors Monday that he "really figured the war would be over by now."

Hellmann's Heir's Conduct Unbefitting A Mayonnaise Magnate

NEW YORK—Jake Hellmann, 19, whose rowdy nightclub exploits have made him a tabloid staple, has behaved in a manner unbefitting his stature as heir to the Hellmann's mayonnaise throne, family sources reported Tuesday. "When one is fortunate enough to the carry the name of America's most popular mayonnaise, one does not spend every night getting drunk and partying with models," said his great uncle Oliver Hellmann, 79. "Clearly, young Jake is not yet ready to accept the enormous responsibility that comes with being a mayo magnate."

Blind Date Pronounces Every Syllable Of Word 'Comfortable'

INDIANAPOLIS—In what Melissa Mathis, 30, termed "a deal-breaker," blind date Jeff Rochlin, 33, pronounced every syllable of the word "comfortable" Tuesday. "We sat down at the table, and he said, 'This booth's really com-fort-a-ble,'" Mathis recalled. "Then, a little while later, he said something about the 'grilled veg-e-ta-bles.' I'm sorry, but there's no way I could date a guy like that."

Prom-Planning Tips

Prom season is just around the corner. Here are some tips to help make your prom night unforgettable:
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.