• 1996
• 1997
• 1998
• 1999
• 2000
• 2001
• 2002
• 2003
• 2004
• 2005
• 2006
• 2007
• 2008
• 2009
• 2010
• 2011
• 2012

• <<
• 02.05.03 |
• 02.12.03 |
• 02.19.03 |
• 02.26.03 |
• 03.05.03 |
• 03.12.03 |
• 03.26.03 |
• 04.02.03 |
• 04.09.03 |
• 04.16.03 |
• 04.23.03
• >>

Bush Thought War Would Be Over By Now

• Saddam Speech Suspiciously Mentions Nelly Song From Last Summer

  ISSUE 39•12 | 04.02.03 | News

  LANGLEY, VA—The CIA announced Monday that it suspects Saddam Hussein's latest televised address was pre-recorded, pointing to its suspiciously dated reference to Nelly's "Hot In Herre," a rap hit from the summer of 2002. more»

  

• Former Employee Disappointed By Return-Visit Reception

  ISSUE 39•12 | 04.02.03 | News

  WILKES-BARRE, PA—Len Neuwirth, a marketing analyst with Penn Packaging Corporation from 2000 to 2002, expressed slight disappointment Monday over his failure to cause a stir among former coworkers during his return visit. more»

  

• Soup-Kitchen Volunteers Hate College-Application-Padding Brat

  ISSUE 39•12 | 04.02.03 | News

  SEATTLE—Volunteers at the Pike Street Salvation Army have grown to hate college-application padder Justin Malveaux, 17, sources reported Monday. more»

  

• Network News Satellites Collide Over Iraq

  ISSUE 47•52 ISSUE 39•12 | 04.02.03 | News in Brief

  AN NASIRIYAH, IRAQ—In an accident air-and-space-traffic controllers called "inevitable," a CNN satellite collided with an MSNBC satellite over southern Iraq Monday. "Frankly, it's a miracle something like this didn't happen sooner," said Ian Graham of BBC One. "Right now, there are roughly 950 network news satellites crammed into a 125-cubic-mile area of space above Iraq, with more being launched every day." Less than an hour after the crash, an MTV News satellite grazed an Oxygen satellite, temporarily cutting off Oxygen News reporter Lisa Hood's live report on a firefight between U.S. and Iraqi forces near Basra. more»

• Blind Date Pronounces Every Syllable Of Word 'Comfortable'

  ISSUE 39•12 | 04.02.03 | News in Brief

  INDIANAPOLIS—In what Melissa Mathis, 30, termed "a deal-breaker," blind date Jeff Rochlin, 33, pronounced every syllable of the word "comfortable" Tuesday. "We sat down at the table, and he said, 'This booth's really com-fort-a-ble,'" Mathis recalled. "Then, a little while later, he said something about the 'grilled veg-e-ta-bles.' I'm sorry, but there's no way I could date a guy like that." more»

• Hellmann's Heir's Conduct Unbefitting A Mayonnaise Magnate

  ISSUE 39•12 | 04.02.03 | News in Brief

  NEW YORK—Jake Hellmann, 19, whose rowdy nightclub exploits have made him a tabloid staple, has behaved in a manner unbefitting his stature as heir to the Hellmann's mayonnaise throne, family sources reported Tuesday. "When one is fortunate enough to the carry the name of America's most popular mayonnaise, one does not spend every night getting drunk and partying with models," said his great uncle Oliver Hellmann, 79. "Clearly, young Jake is not yet ready to accept the enormous responsibility that comes with being a mayo magnate." more»

• Second-Grade Class Has No Questions For Visiting Local Historian

  ISSUE 39•12 | 04.02.03 | News in Brief

  KENOSHA, WI—Roberta Litt's second-graders at LaFollette Elementary School failed to come up with a single question for visiting local historian Elmer Rasmussen Tuesday. "Come on, folks," said Litt, scolding her class. "Mr. Rasmussen was nice enough to come all the way down here today to tell us about immigrant-farmstead life in the 19th century. I find it hard to believe that not one of you has a question." Following an uncomfortable two minutes of silence, Litt ordered the children to put their heads down on their desks for the remainder of the period. more»

• Government No Longer Even Bothering To Hide Halliburton Favors

  ISSUE 39•12 | 04.02.03 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON, DC—With last week's announcement that it will award Halliburton a lucrative contract to put out Iraqi oil-well fires after the war, the U.S. government has officially stopped trying to hide its favoritism toward the Houston-based company. "When we first started cutting Halliburton sweetheart deals, we'd worry about how it would look, with Dick Cheney being their former CEO and all," White House press secretary Ari Fleischer said. "Somewhere along the line, though, we just kind of said, 'Ah, fuck it.'" Fleischer added that Halliburton has something "real juicy" coming its way when the U.S. invades Iran in July 2004. more»

• Celine In Las Vegas

  ISSUE 39•12 | 04.02.03 | Infographic

  Celine Dion recently began a three-year, $100 million engagement at Caesars Colosseum, a theater built specifically for her. more»

  

• Horoscope for the week of April 2, 2003

  ISSUE 39•12 | 04.02.03 | Horoscope

  You've been feeling bad about wasting your life, but there's really nothing useful you could have done with it, anyway. more»

• Least-Visited Memorials

  ISSUE 39•12 | 04.02.03 | Statshot

  

• DVD Contains 87 Minutes Of Previously Unseen Movie

  ISSUE 39•12 | 04.02.03 | News in Photos

  

• Football Fan Wears Off-Season Body Paint

  ISSUE 39•12 | 04.02.03 | News in Photos

  more»

  

• I Should Not Be Allowed To Say The Following Things About America

  ISSUE 46•26 ISSUE 43•27 ISSUE 39•12 | 04.02.03 | Commentary

  As Americans, we have a right to question our government and its actions. However, while there is a time to criticize, there is also a time to follow in complacent silence. And that time is now. more»

• I've Got Oscar (And War) Fever!

  ISSUE 39•12 | 04.02.03 | Commentary

  Item! There's only one story on the minds of people across this great nation right now: the 75th anniversary Academy Awards. And Jackie Harvey was right there in the front row... of his living room! I know there are people out there who say there are more important things to worry about in these troubled times. Well, what better way to forget your troubles than with a fabulous awards ceremony? more»

• Prom-Planning Tips

  ISSUE 39•12 | 04.02.03 | Tips

  Prom season is just around the corner. Here are some tips to help make your prom night unforgettable: more»

  

• Dolphins And The Military

  ISSUE 39•12 | 04.02.03 | American Voices

  In a move that has outraged many animal-rights activists, the U.S. Navy is using dolphins to find underwater mines in Iraqi harbors. What do you think? more»

• NBC Moves War To Thursdays After Friends

• Grandfather Clocked