Harsh Light Of Morning Falls On One-Night Stand's DVD Collection

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Issue 3915

Small-Town Residents Come Together For Arby's Raising

BUFORD, PA—Buford's 322 residents, as well as many citizens of surrounding towns, came together over the weekend for a good old-fashioned Arby's raising. "People came from as far away as Lancaster to pitch in," said local delivery-truck driver Jonathan Beckman, 44. "It was a real team effort: Me, Zachary Fordice, and Eli White poured the foundation while old Benjamin Wetzel built the prep-tables, and the womenfolk installed the booths' vinyl seat covers." Beckman said his wife Maryellen "can't wait" to whip up a fresh homemade batch of Arby's famous Horsey Sauce.

Catholic Child Told About Doggy Heaven, Doggy Hell

NORTHAMPTON, MA—Three days after burying his beloved labrador retriever, Daniel MacNeil, 9, was told about doggy heaven and hell by his fourth-grade teacher, Sister Doris Behnke. "Don't cry, Daniel. I'm sure Shiner was a very good doggy," Behnke told the mourning child Tuesday. "He's probably in Doggy Heaven right now, running through its big green fields and chasing squirrels. Only disobedient doggies who chew on the furniture or lift their legs on the carpet will burn in the eternal, white-hot kennel fires of Doggy Hell."

Tortured Ugandan Political Prisoner Wishes Uganda Had Oil

KAMPALA, UGANDA—A day after having his hands amputated by soldiers backing President Yoweri Museveni's brutal regime, Ugandan political prisoner Otobo Ankole expressed regret Monday over Uganda's lack of oil reserves. "I dream of the U.S. one day fighting for the liberation of the oppressed Ugandan people," said Ankole as he nursed his bloody stumps. "But, alas, our number-one natural resource is sugar cane." Ankole, whose wife, parents, and five children were among the 4,000 slaughtered in Uganda's ethnic killings of 2002, then bowed his head and said a prayer for petroleum.

That Rob's Got Some Seriously Strong Shit

Hola, amigos. What's up? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I got my irons in a shitload of fires these days. I got this new job running people from the airport to a car-rental place in a little bus. I know it ain't the coolest job in the world, but it keeps my cruising skills sharp, plus I get three weeks' vacation and some insurance. I never thought I'd be one of those old fogies who cared about insurance, but there it is. Don't think I can't still rock, though.

Uday's Pleasure Palace

Last Week, U.S. soldiers toured the remains of Uday Hussein's home, uncovering a lavish palace of sex ands drugs. Among the niceties enjoyed by Saddam's son:
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Harsh Light Of Morning Falls On One-Night Stand's DVD Collection

MILWAUKEE, WI–The harsh light of morning fell on the terrible DVD collection of Marc Koenig Monday, when Traci Pearle discovered it upon waking up from their one-night stand.

The DVD collection that horrified Pearle (inset).

"It was a wild night, and from what I can recall, I had a great time with Marc," said Pearle, 25. "But I wonder if I would've felt the same way had I known the guy is the proud owner of Rollerball."

Pearle, a Marquette University graduate student, and Koenig, a graphic designer, met Sunday during a party at the home of a mutual friend. Pearle and Koenig hit it off almost immediately, thanks largely to their mutual drunkenness. After a lengthy make-out session in a back room, the two departed for Koenig's nearby one-bedroom apartment, where they spent the night.

Her powers of observation impaired by alcohol and darkness, Pearle took little notice of Koenig's furnishings. It was not until 8 a.m. that the hung-over Pearle, en route to the bathroom, came across Koenig's disturbingly random, mediocrity-filled DVD collection.

"The glare from the living-room window made my eyes smart," Pearle said. "I rubbed them, and the first thing I saw was Narrow Margin sitting on Marc's sunlit coffee table."

A nearby DVD shelf revealed similarly banal choices, including Driven, Evolution, Swordfish, Tomcats, Point Break, Pushing Tin, Bedazzled, Flatliners, My Blue Heaven, and Proof Of Life.

While acknowledging that the majority of Koenig's movies were "not out-and-out horrible," Pearle wondered why anyone would own those particular titles.

"They're the sort of things you'd rent, not buy, if you watch them at all," Pearle said. "Out of the thousands of movies you could own, why would you spend your money on this stuff? Don't you buy a movie because you're somehow passionate about it and want to watch it again and again? Does this guy feel that way about Hard Rain?"

In spite of a wicked hangover, Pearle could not resist hypothesizing about Koenig based on his DVD choices.

"It struck me as weird that the same person would possess both Hellraiser 2 and Holy Man," Pearle said. "What did it mean? That he's a guy with eclectic tastes, and therefore tolerant and open-minded? Or is he just meek and wishy-washy, surrendering his tastes and imagination to arbitrary pop-culture dictates? He seemed like such a smart, cool guy."

Continued Pearle: "I slept with a guy who, at some point in his life, walked into a store and said to the cashier, 'Hi, I would like to purchase this copy of The Legend Of Bagger Vance.'"

Pearle admitted that her decision to leave Koenig's apartment around 8:20 a.m. was heavily influenced by the discovery of the DVD collection.

"As I got dressed, Marc sat up in bed and took my hand, telling me he had the day off from work if I wanted to stay in with him," Pearle said. "I considered it, but then I noticed the Vince Vaughn version of Psycho on the nightstand, so I made up something about having to meet my professor in half an hour."

Therapist and counselor Dr. Patricia Abel said the one-night stand did not come to a particularly unusual end.

"Often, casual sexual encounters between two people are not repeated because one of the parties has judged the other based on his or her personal effects," Abel said. "There exists a societal stigma against so-called 'one-night stands,' so Traci may have been subconsciously associating latent feelings of guilt and unfulfillment with Marc's ownership of several Ashley Judd thrillers."

Pearle herself has been the victim of possessions-based judgment following a one-night stand. On June 4, 2000, pizza-delivery driver James Gaines fled Pearle's apartment shortly after 6 a.m. when the morning light revealed a Toad The Wet Sprocket CD and a prescription bottle of Xanax.