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Issue 3917

Nation's Dogs Dangerously Underpetted, Say Dogs

NEW YORK—At a press conference Monday, representatives of the Association of American Dogs announced that the nation's canines are dangerously underpetted. "Every night, thousands of U.S. dogs go to bed without so much as a scritch behind the ears," AAD president Banjo said. "If this sort of neglect from our masters continues, it could lead to widespread jumping on the furniture." Upon his owner's arrival in the press-conference room, Banjo abruptly ended his speech, frantically barking, leaping, and rolling over on his back in an effort to communicate his need for a vigorous belly rub.

Stripper Failing School She's Working Self Through

LAS VEGAS—Exotic dancer Tricia "Mercedes" Hrlevich, 22, who is stripping to put herself through school, is failing her Red Rock Community College business classes, sources said Tuesday. "I definitely want to do something with, like, business," said Hrlevich, who has received Fs on three straight economics exams. "Dancing at Cheetah's [Gentlemen's Cabaret] is just a way of getting closer toward that goal." Hrlevich then accompanied a balding 54-year-old to the Champagne Room, where she earned $60 toward a Psych 101 textbook she will never read.

Compliment Goes Horribly Awry

KNOXVILLE, TN—A compliment went horribly awry Monday, when Greg Upchurch, 26, praised girlfriend Sheri Werning, 25, for her "juicy ass." "I didn't mean fat," said Upchurch, explaining himself to the offended Werning. "By 'juicy,' I meant curvy, you know? Like, that you're really healthy and athletic, and not some sickly little stick figure." Having dug himself into a hole, Upchurch pondered comparing Werning's posterior to Jennifer Lopez's, but ultimately decided against it.

Bush To Lovely Chilean Ambassador:'I Must Paint You'

WASHINGTON, DC—After spotting Chilean Ambassador to the U.S. Natalia Verdugo at a D.C.-area café Tuesday, a smitten President Bush promptly invited the bewitching diplomat to his artist's garret in the East Wing of the White House. "I must paint you," Bush reportedly told Verdugo. "I simply must commit your beauty to the canvas immediately. Please, come away with me to my studio, where the early-evening light from my western window shall caress your undraped form." Though she eventually agreed to pose for the president, Verdugo drew the line at "an afternoon of fiery passion" among his charcoal sketches.

8-Year-Old Forced To Eat Organic Macaroni And Cheese

SAUSALITO, CA—In spite of his distaste for Annie's Homegrown Mac & Cheese, area 8-year-old Josh Remmert was forced by his mother to eat an entire plate of the organic pasta for lunch Tuesday. "I like Kraft Mac & Cheese a lot better, but Mom says it's all processed and got artificial stuff in it," Remmert said. "At least it's the right color. The cheese in this stuff isn't even orange." To help wash down the all-natural pasta, Remmert was given a choice between carrot juice and vanilla-flavored Rice Dream.

Have You Been Bitten By The Matrix Bug?

Item! Beware of Matrixmania! Matrix 2: Back To The Matrix is coming out soon, and that means the ladies of the world will once again be drooling over hunky Lawrence "Black Morpheus" Fishburn. But while drooling is guaranteed, many questions remain unanswered: Can the sequel top the original? Did Elron really die in the first one, or will he be back? Will there be more sparks between Neon and Brittany? Tune in here for all the latest cyber-poop.

Local Man Ruins Date By Just Being Himself

LA JOLLA, CA–Wrongly advised by friends and family to "just be himself," local tax attorney Marc Scanlon, 34, ruined a first date with Rachel Loftus by doing just that, sources close to the never-to-be couple reported Monday.

Why Am I Always The One To Get Chlamydia?

I don't get it. I'm a good person who lives an honest life and is nice to people, yet for some reason, I seem to have the worst luck: My toast always falls jam-side down, the one day it rains is always the day I leave my windows open, and the one time I have unprotected sex in a public-beach changing room, I end up with chlamydia! What gives?
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Yearbook-Staff Meeting Devolves Into Discussion Of Popular Kids

CHATFIELD, MN–Productivity declined sharply at Tuesday's Chatfield High School yearbook meeting, when the proceedings devolved into an animated discussion of the school's popular kids.

Yearbook staffers Keelan, Garnock, and Shah.

"Gee, what a surprise: another picture of Jessica [Morgan] in her brand-new Jetta," said Chatfield Megaphone photo editor Carol Keelan, laying out a Seniors collage page. "Well, I guess we have to put her in again, since she was Prom Queen. Look what hot shit she thinks she is in that picture... the operative word being 'thinks.'"

The remark prompted Megaphone assistant copy editor Paul Garnock to recount a shoulder-punching incident involving Rich Tyler, Morgan's boyfriend and star quarterback for the school football team.

"As much as I dislike Jessica–and that's quite a lot–I actually think I dislike Rich even more," said Garnock, rolling up his sleeve to display a large purple bruise. "At lunch last Friday, I was minding my own business when he came up and started whaling on my shoulder because, apparently, he thinks it's a riot. I suppose that's the sort of thing that has to pass for humor when you don't have a brain."

"We should make up a page for him called 'Painting The Future Black & Blue,'" added Garnock, alluding to this year's yearbook theme, "Painting The Future." "Or maybe 'Painting Myself Into A Corner Because I Am Stupid And Will Do Nothing With My Life.'"

A yearbook photo of "obnoxious, stuck-up" Alicia King and Courtney Stone in the school's computer lab.

Garnock's anti-Tyler remarks served as a segue into a discussion of whether there were any school sports teams that "aren't made up of jerks."

"The cross-country team is pretty cool, but that's about it," yearbook editor-in-chief Anita Shah said. "The worst, I would have to say, is the wrestling team, followed by hockey, with football a close third."

In spite of their distaste for the popular kids, or "Chatfield's ruling elite," the yearbook staffers acknowledged that there were exceptions.

"You know who's actually kind of okay?" events-section editor Janine Boyd said. "Adam Welter. Even though he's going out with Amanda Berg and is all Mr. Pretty Boy, he isn't a total asshole like the rest of them. He even said he liked the class presentation I gave on censorship in rhetoric."

Garnock strenuously disagreed with Boyd's assessment of Welter, claiming that he once shoved him into an open locker, bloodying his nose and scratching his glasses. Garnock also accused Boyd of having "the hots" for Welter. The charge was denied.

Tuesday's meeting, which disbanded when Garnock's mother arrived to pick him up for piano lessons, was the sixth in a row to devolve into a discussion of the popular students. While little progress was made in assembling the yearbook, a consensus was reached that cheerleading captain Amy Axelrod is a total stuck-up bulimic slut.

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