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New Neighbor Tested With Beer

• '90s Punk Decries Punks Of Today

  ISSUE 39•19 | 05.21.03 | News

  BERKELEY, CA–Nineties punk Drew Tolbert, 29, expressed scorn Monday for the punks of today, denouncing them as "phony poseurs unworthy of the word 'punk.'" more»

  

• Department Of Homeland Security Deputizes Real Mean Dog

  ISSUE 39•19 | 05.21.03 | News

  WASHINGTON, DC—Unveiling its newest weapon in the fight against terrorism Monday, the Department of Homeland Security announced the deputization of Rufus, a big ol' mongrel ornery enough to make Al Qaeda think twice about carrying out an attack against the U.S. more»

  

• Majority Of Human Discourse Now Occurring In Online Product Reviews

  ISSUE 39•19 | 05.21.03 | News

  DURHAM, NC—According to a Duke University study released Monday, a majority of human interaction and communication now occurs within the context of consumer product reviews on the Internet. more»

  

• Bird Has Big Plans For Cage

  ISSUE 39•19 | 05.21.03 | News in Brief

  HENNIKER, NH—Charlie, a Henniker-area cockatiel, announced Tuesday that he has big plans for his new stainless-steel birdcage. "Let's see—I'm gonna hang the bell from the ceiling and put my seed trough on the right wall. And I'm finally gonna get one of those rolling perches, now that I have the room," said Charlie between gulps of sunflower seeds. "And once I put up that full-length mirror, it's really gonna open up this space." Charlie said he also plans to use some of his bird toys to form a partition in the middle of the cage, creating the illusion of two separate rooms. more»

• Systems Administrator Would So Fuck New Trainee

  ISSUE 39•19 | 05.21.03 | News in Brief

  TUCSON, AZ—Speaking in confidence to coworker Brian Panos, Barton Financial Group systems administrator Tim Kreutzer revealed Tuesday that, given the chance, he would "so fuck" new office trainee Lisa Hartig, 23. "Tim was staring at Lisa from across the office floor when he dropped the bombshell that he would so fuck her," Panos said. "Obviously, I was stunned. I mean, how often do you come across a balding 51-year-old tech professional who's willing to sleep with a nubile blonde? Wow." more»

• Podiatrist A Jerk

  ISSUE 39•19 | 05.21.03 | News in Brief

  HOFFMAN ESTATES, IL—Podiatrist Dr. Don Smithson is a "big jerk" who "talks down to you like you're an idiot," patient Greg Lindblad reported Tuesday. "Dr. Smithson totally scolded me for not cutting my toenails straight across—he says the ingrown toenail is my own fault," Lindblad said. "Pardon me, Dr. Smithson. My life should revolve around maintaining proper foot care. What a dick." Lindblad also claimed Smithson "completely chewed [him] out" for allowing his bunions to go untreated. more»

• Circus Runaway Not Looking Forward To Hometown Show

  ISSUE 39•19 | 05.21.03 | News in Brief

  SACRAMENTO, CA—Michael MacAlester, who ran away from his native Sacramento at 16 to join the circus, is not looking forward to the Big Top Circus' show this Friday in his hometown. "The idea of getting the hell out of Sacramento and joining a traveling circus was really exciting, but I guess I should've thought to check the schedule," MacAlester, 18, a unicycling clown, said Monday. "I asked the ringmaster if I could possibly sit this one out, but he said no way." MacAlester said he plans to wear extra-heavy make-up in case his parents happen to be in attendance. more»

• Man Adds A Few Personalized Tracks To Standard New-Girlfriend Mix CD

  ISSUE 39•19 | 05.21.03 | News in Brief

  SPRINGFIELD, MO—Wanting to add something special for new love Danielle Welter, Andy Mansfield, 24, burned three personalized tracks Monday onto his standard new-girlfriend mix CD. "Danielle loves that No Doubt song 'Running,' so I threw that on there just for her," Mansfield said. "And she doesn't really like rap, which [previous girlfriend] Erica [Hollings] loved, so I took off [Salt-N-Pepa's] 'Whatta Man' and replaced it with two Aretha Franklin songs, because Danielle loves the oldies." Mansfield said he expects Welter to love the mix "even more than Erica did, maybe even as much as Christine." more»

• The Times Plagiarism Scandal

  ISSUE 39•19 | 05.21.03 | Infographic

  Last week, Jayson Blair resigned as a national reporter for The New York Times amid charges that he plagiarized and falsified stories. Among the misdeeds: more»

  

• Horoscope for the week of May 21, 2003

  ISSUE 39•19 | 05.21.03 | Horoscope

  Smuggling yourself across the border hidden in a truckload of radishes would have worked, had you been able to control your insatiable appetite for radishes. more»

• What Do Our Framed Certificates Say?

  ISSUE 39•19 | 05.21.03 | Statshot

  

• Parents Fighting About Who's Unhappier

  ISSUE 39•19 | 05.21.03 | News in Photos

  

• Rumsfeld Makes Jerk-Off Motions As Powell Speaks At Cabinet Meeting

  ISSUE 43•12 ISSUE 39•19 | 05.21.03 | News in Photos

  

• Let's Put The 'Ex' Back In Sex

  ISSUE 39•19 | 05.21.03 | Commentary

  Hey, Amy. How's the most beautiful ex-girlfriend in the world doing tonight? Wow, it's been a while, huh? Listen, don't hang up, okay? I know we haven't spoken in a while, but I was thinking the other day that maybe even though we're not dating anymore, we could, you know, um, how do I say this? Let's put the "ex" back in sex. more»

• Yo, Don't Judge

  ISSUE 39•19 | 05.21.03 | Commentary

  Y'all may not realize this, but tha Accountz Reeceevin' bruthahood be forced to live in two worlds: tha supafly world o' officin' an' tha bleak-ass world of all y'all amateurs. And it ain't easy. When punchout time roll around, there be a lot o' A.R. bruthahs who don't know what to do with theyselves. Sometimes, they go to Chiliz or Applebeez, but them places be full of playa-hatas who don't approve of tha reeceevin' lifestyle, and in no time, suckaz start flexin'. more»

• Executing SARS Spreaders in China

  ISSUE 39•19 | 05.21.03 | American Voices

  Last week, China threatened to execute individuals who knowingly spread the SARS virus. What do you think? more»

• Novel Obviously Written At Coffee Shop