Condoleezza Rice's Lunch Missing

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Issue 3920

Candy Purchase Puts Yet More Money In Raisinets' Bloated Coffers

GLENDALE, CA—The already overflowing coffers of Nestlé subsidiary Raisinets were further fattened Monday, when Atlanta resident Jonathan Graber, 11, purchased a bag of the candy at a local convenience store. "Ah, very good... that's another 75 cents for us," said Raisinets president William Koenig, as he observed the Graber purchase on closed-circuit television at the company's Glendale headquarters. "With every bag of our delicious chocolate-covered raisin treats that they buy, we only grow more powerful." Koenig then opened a bag of Raisinets and tossed a handful into the air, laughing maniacally.

Magical Gallery Transforms Dull Objects Into Art

NEW YORK—A magical New York art gallery has the power to turn dull, everyday items into brilliant works of art, sources reported Monday. "Seth Clayton's devastating Untitled No. 7 captures the despair of urban ennui in a way that's post-ironic yet somehow pre-pomo," said David E. Sherry, owner of the David E. Sherry Gallery, while admiring a rusty bucket and tattered boot lying on the gallery floor. "Its eloquence is truly heartbreaking."

I Am Proud To Serve My Country Beer

Our country has witnessed its fair share of trials and tribulations lately. We have endured wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. We have lived under the near-constant threat of terrorist attack at home. Many young Americans have heard the call to serve and, stirred by love of country and a deep sense of patriotic duty, they have responded. Some have served in the Army, others in the Marines. As for myself, I have served Coors Light.

It's Not Easy Being The Life Of The Orgy

Do you know me? Well, if you've been to an orgy in the greater Cincinnati area in the past 17 years, you've probably seen me (or at least part of me). My name is Hank Wetzel, and I am the king of the Cincinnati group-sex scene. You may have heard a story or two—and believe me, there are hundreds—about my legendary carnal exploits. Yet as renowned as I am, and as much fun as I've had, few people realize that it's not easy being the life of the orgy.

The Bush Tax-Cut Plan

President Bush is preparing to sign a $350 billion tax-cut package. What are some of the plans specifics?

Bassist Unaware Rock Band Christian

ORLANDO, FL—Brad Rolen, the new bassist for Pillar Of Salt, remains oblivious to the fact that he is in a Christian rock band, sources reported Tuesday.

Housekeeper Too Busy To Be Sassy

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Much to the chagrin of the Whitford family, housekeeper Maria Ortega, 42, is too busy cleaning their mansion to deliver any sassy wisecracks. "It's such a pity, really," said head-of-the-household Judge John Whitford on Tuesday. "Maria spends so much time cooking meals, vacuuming and dusting our 40 rooms, washing the windows, doing the laundry, making the beds, and hauling out the trash, she never delights us with any snappy, smart-alecky rejoinders like that Florence on The Jeffersons." Whitford added that he can't understand why Ortega doesn't have time to come up with one-liners during her daily two-hour bus ride to work.

Terrifying Bill Passed During NBA Playoffs

WASHINGTON, DC—With the nation safely distracted by the NBA playoffs, Congress passed the terrifying Citizenship Redefinition And Income-Based Relocation Act of 2003 with little opposition Monday.

Casino Has Great Night

ATLANTIC CITY, NJ—Bally's Casino cleaned up at the blackjack table, on the slot machines, and elsewhere Monday.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Condoleezza Rice's Lunch Missing

WASHINGTON, DC—National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice announced Tuesday that she is "extremely distressed" that her lunch is missing from the White House break-room refrigerator. "I'm not going to ask twice: Who ate my turkey-and-avocado sandwich?" Rice asked Cabinet members. "My name was written right on it—'C. Rice' in thick, red magic marker, so don't tell me it was an accident." Rice vowed that she will make whoever ate the sandwich buy her a whole new lunch.