Ask The Back Of A Gourmet Potato Chip Bag

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Issue 3926

Man With Shitty Job Just Doing This Until He Gets Fired

EULESS, TX–Sub Shack employee Rory Graser, 25, reported Monday that he plans to keep his shitty job as a sandwich prep cook "only until I get fired." "Making turkey hoagies isn't what I plan to be doing long-term," Graser said. "I'm just doing this until I've stolen enough food and treated the customers rudely enough that [Sub Shack manager] Barry [Wheaton] cans my ass." Pondering the time frame for his next career move, Graser said he hopes to get caught sweeping trash under the bread rack sometime in the next three to four months.

Millionaire Thinks Of Self As Upper-Middle Class

GROSSE POINT WOODS, MI–Jim Blakeley, 43, a Ford Motor Company executive with personal assets totalling roughly $5.5 million, described himself as "upper-middle class" Monday. "I guess I'm pretty well-off. I make a decent upper-middle-class living, but I'm certainly not what you'd call super-rich," said Blakeley, whose annual salary of $675,000 puts him in the top one-half of 1 percent of Americans. "I know plenty of people who make way more than I do, but I get by with what I have."

Midwesterners Descend On Insurance Company's Free Nail Files

CHICAGO–At the Chicago Home Expo Monday, throngs of voracious Midwesterners descended on the State Farm Insurance booth to grab free promotional nail files. "Look–they have the State Farm logo printed right on them," said Beth Hoffman, 37, a Zion, IL, mother of four, as she clutched a handful of the complimentary items. "I'll grab a few extra for Mom. I'm sure she could use a couple, too." The horde of freebie-seeking Midwesterners then moved on to the Century 21 real-estate booth, where they plundered a basket filled with free business cards that turn to sponges when dunked in water.

Summer Music Festivals

Summer's here, and that means it's time for music festivals. What are some of this year's big tours?

Here Are Reviews Of Some New Shit

Hola, amigos. I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I been left standing with my dick in the breeze by a whole lotta bullshit. For example, I had my hours cut at work. I asked if they were mad at me, and they said I drove people to and from the airport like a champ, but that business was slow. I told them to just fire me so I could get unemployment, but they said they wanted to keep me for when things get better. Now I gotta get a second job, which totally blows. I'd quit, but it's one of the best jobs I've ever had.

Is The Economy Turning Around?

The Dow recently passed 9,000 for the first time in nearly a year, raising hopes that the economy is finally poised for a turnaround. What do you think?
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Comfort

  • Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

    ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Ask The Back Of A Gourmet Potato Chip Bag

Dear Back Of A Gourmet Potato Chip Bag,

Help! My kitchen is turning into an Internet café. My husband and kids have started to haul out their laptops right at the breakfast table, checking their e-mail or finishing up homework before we all rush off in the morning. I admit that breakfast isn't an elaborate affair around here, but what happened to sitting down to a nice meal together? What's your opinion?

—Irked In Irvine

Dear Irked,

Take a moment to savor the delicious taste of Crackle Creek Farms old-world-style kettle chips. What makes them so good? Ever since my great-grandfather, Cyrus P. McVitty, brought the secret of taterliciousness to America from Bremen town way back in 1912, we've made them the very same way he used to. They're thick-cut from the finest Water Gap russets, hand-salted by master chipsmen, then slow-cooked using our special family recipe until they're good through and through. I'm fully confident you'll enjoy them. That's why you have the Crackle Creek Farms Quality Guarantee Seal right on the front of every bag. If our potato chips aren't the best you've had, my name isn't Kevin J. McVitty.

Dear Back Of A Gourmet Potato Chip Bag,

Boy, am I steamed. My dry cleaner ruined one of my favorite blouses. Of course, he pointed to the "not responsible" clause on the ticket, but as a longtime valued customer, I think the shirt should be replaced out of common courtesy. My friend says I'm making a big deal out of nothing, but I think it's downright crummy of them not to at least offer a discount on future cleanings. Should I consider taking my business elsewhere, or am I overreacting?

—Miffed In Middlebury

Dear Miffed,

According to legend, the Milwaukee potato chip was born in 1854 when steamship captain and restaurant patron Heinrich Van Der Linus sent his fried potatoes back to the kitchen, saying they were too thin and salty. Annoyed, the chef hacked a baking potato with his wife's pinking shears, tossed the angular chunks into carefully spiced saffroot oil, and fried them to a crisp... and the Munchwaukee Wunderkrunch was born! Since 1996, our family has strived to recapture that spirit of adventure in every bag of our Munchwaukee Wunderkrunches. By using only all-natural ingredients, hand-stressing every batch, and testing at every stage, we ensure that the quality and taste of the original live on. Enjoy.

Dear Back Of A Gourmet Potato Chip Bag,

My husband and I are in the midst of planning a family vacation for this summer, and we were thinking of inviting a group of my son's friends to join us. Troy has leg braces, and many of his friends have minor physical disabilities, as well. Any suggestions for great historical destinations that would be fun and accessible for special kids with special needs?

—Planning In Plano

Dear Planning,

When Ellie founded Ellie's Chips more than 25 years ago, she wanted to bring her ancestral Lithuanian cooking secrets to the people of the Taos area. She succeeded beyond her wildest dreams! Now, the folks here at the Desert Bloom Chip Foundry salute her achievements with the new Ellie's White Chili Earth-Apple Crisps. Only the finest native hybrid white chilis are hand-infused into the robust Cossack Golden potatoes. Then, they're slow-cooked in loom-pressed flaxseed oil and mineral water, and suffused with cilantro, sea salt, and peppercorns. Finally, they're sent to our quality-control specialists, who personally inspect each and every chip for imperfections. The handful of chips good enough to pass muster emerge into the light as our clean, clear, spicy Earth-Apple Crisps. Sure, they might take a little more time and cost a little more than ordinary chips, but we think you'll taste the difference in every bite. We know Ellie would approve. We hope you do, too.

Confidential To Lonely In Lodi:

Includes: Select Potatoes, Vegetable Oil(s): (Sunflower, Canola, Cottonseed, Corn/Cottonseed, Corn, Expeller-Pressed Oleic Canola), Salt, Sugar, Dextrose, Barley Malt, Citric Acid, Spice, Spice Extracts.

Gourmet Potato Chip Bag is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask The Back Of A Gourmet Potato Chip Bag, appears in more than 250 newspapers nationwide.

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