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Woman Proud Of Horrible Tan

• Precocious 6-Year-Old Claims Berenstain Bears Book Changed Her Life

  ISSUE 39•32 | 08.20.03 | News

  LITCHFIELD PARK, AZ—Since reading The Berenstain Bears Get The Gimmies last month, 6-year-old Melody Johnson has lived a changed life, the above-average reader reported Monday. more»

  

• U.N. Factoid-Finding Mission Discovers Liberia About The Size Of Tennessee

  ISSUE 39•32 | 08.20.03 | News

  MONROVIA, LIBERIA—A U.N. factoid-finding team sent to war-ravaged Liberia discovered it is roughly the size of Tennessee. more»

  

• Bush Diagnosed With Attention-To-Deficit Disorder

  ISSUE 39•32 | 08.20.03 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON, DC—Pointing to massive war-time tax cuts, physicians from the Congressional Budget Office diagnosed President Bush with attention-to-deficit disorder Tuesday. "The president exhibits all the symptoms of ATDD: impulsiveness, restlessness, inability to focus on mounting U.S. debt likely to reach $400 billion by the year's end," Dr. Terrence Spellman said. "Failing to address his affliction could lead to serious long-term fiscal health problems for future generations of Americans." To treat the president's ATDD, Spellman prescribed Ritalin and an introductory course in high-school economics. more»

• Bob Hope Happy To See So Many Troops In Heaven

  ISSUE 39•32 | 08.20.03 | News in Brief

  HEAVEN—Recently deceased entertainer Bob Hope announced Monday that he was happy to be reunited with the millions of U.S. troops currently stationed in Paradise, many of whom he entertained during his 50-year career. "It sure brings a smile to my face to see all you proud men and women in uniform," Hope said. "Let's hope the food is better here than it was in the mess tent." Turning to the Pearly Gates, Hope gave a thumbs-up to a soldier killed Monday in a guerrilla attack 20 miles west of Baghdad. more»

• Woman Assures Friend She Has Blackouts From Drinking All The Time

  ISSUE 39•32 | 08.20.03 | News in Brief

  COLUMBUS, OH—When Yolanda Franks expressed concern that friend Becky O'Neill couldn't remember the second half of an apartment-warming party Saturday, O'Neill assured her that she has blackouts all the time. "It's no big deal," O'Neill said Tuesday. "Sure, I had a bit too much too drink, but I got to work Monday fine. No need to worry." O'Neill added that she just shakes off her frequent blackouts, as she does the occasional unplanned pregnancy. more»

• Suicide Hotline Operator Talking To Ex-Boyfriend Again

  ISSUE 39•32 | 08.20.03 | News in Brief

  ABERDEEN, WA—Volunteers at the Helping Heart Crisis Hotline announced Tuesday that Candice Knoff, 25, is on the phone with her attention-starved ex-boyfriend Tony Hewitt again. "Tony always calls right after he runs into Candy on the street," said Jeanne Teal, one of Knoff's coworkers. "He spends an hour going on and on about how he's been so depressed ever since they broke up, even though it's been like a year. I can always tell it's him, because Candy'll be over there rolling her eyes the entire call." According to the other volunteers, Hewitt has called the hotline at least once a week for the past year, except in March and April when he was dating a waitress he met in Olympia. more»

• Criminal Mad That Man Called The Cops On Him

  ISSUE 39•32 | 08.20.03 | News in Brief

  OAKLAND, CA—Ben Patton, arrested Monday, said he was angry that a passerby reported him to the police. "I'm minding my own fucking business, crowbarring the door off of a Radio Shack, and some punk drives by and calls 911 on his cell phone," Patton said. "If it was his car I was breaking into, I could see him getting involved, but this is bullshit." While in custody, Patton added that he wishes he had noted the color and model of the informant's car, so he could express his irritation to the driver in person. more»

• Gay TV

  ISSUE 44•26 ISSUE 39•32 | 08.20.03 | Infographic

  Gay-themed television series like Bravo's Queer Eye For The Straight Guy and Boy Meets Boy are popular with mainstream audiences. What's the appeal? more»

  

• Horoscope for the week of August 20, 2003

  ISSUE 39•32 | 08.20.03 | Horoscope

  Your threats to the other bar-goers would have seemed a lot more frightening if your Vespa hadn't stalled while you were trying to race away. more»

• Top Regional Restaurant Chains

  ISSUE 39•32 | 08.20.03 | Statshot

  

• Heroic Pants Enter 19th Day Of Continuous Duty

  ISSUE 39•32 | 08.20.03 | News in Photos

  

• Skywriter Leaves Suicide Note

  ISSUE 39•32 | 08.20.03 | News in Photos

  more»

  

• I'm Not One Of Those People Who Goes Around Having Fun

  ISSUE 39•32 | 08.20.03 | Commentary

  So, you're all going out tonight after work for a few drinks at the bar down the street? Well, thanks for the invite, but no, thanks. Fraternization with coworkers may be fun, but let me make one thing clear: I'm not one of those people who goes around having fun. more»

• I Have An iPod–'In My Mind'

  ISSUE 45•01 ISSUE 39•32 | 08.20.03 | Commentary

  I'm sure you've seen a lot of tech-savvy people smugly showing off that new hunk of entertainment hardware, the iPod personal stereo. Well, I might not have the scratch to get one, but frankly, I don't want the white-corded wonder. I have my very own iPod—in my mind. more»

• Public Speaking Tips

  ISSUE 39•32 | 08.20.03 | Tips

  Speaking in public can be a nerve-wracking experience. more»

  

• Canadian Prescription Drugs

  ISSUE 39•32 | 08.20.03 | American Voices

  Major drug manufacturers are attempting to stop Canadian pharmacies from selling discounted prescription drugs to Americans. What do you think? more»

• Blackout Survivors Tell Stories Of Harrowing Inconvenience

• Hollywood Accessed