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Graphic Artist Carefully Assigns Ethnicities To Anthropomorphic Recyclables

• No One Makes It To Burning Man Festival

  ISSUE 39•33 | 08.27.03 | News

  GERLACH, NV—The Burning Man festival, a prominent artistic and countercultural event that draws tens of thousands of people to the Nevada desert annually, is in danger of cancellation this week because "no one had their shit together enough to even make it," organizers said Tuesday. more»

  

• Horrified Teen Stumbles Upon Divorced Mom's Personal Ad

  ISSUE 39•33 | 08.27.03 | News

  NEWTON, MA—Derek Friedman, 16, was "shocked and disgusted" Tuesday, when he discovered a personal ad posted by his mother Susan on the popular online dating service Match.com. more»

  

• Mad Scientist's Plot Thwarted By Budget Cuts

  ISSUE 39•33 | 08.27.03 | News

  UPTON, ME—Thanks to recent budget cuts, Dr. Edward Mortis' positronic raygun may never be completed. more»

  

• Son In Iraq Or Something

  ISSUE 47•52 ISSUE 39•33 | 08.27.03 | News in Brief

  VICKSBURG, MS—Fabric-store manager Bonnie Reedner told reporters Monday that her 18-year-old son, Pfc. Matthew Reedner, is "over there, fighting in Iraq, or something." "I guess he's stationed in Baghdad or Basra—some place beginning with a B," Reedner said. "I don't really know. I should check the return address on one of his letters. I think there's another one over on the microwave with the unopened mail." Though Reedner said she hopes for her son's safe return, she admitted she should probably pick up a newspaper one of these days to get an idea of when that might be. more»

• Great Lover Also Great At Slinking Out

  ISSUE 39•33 | 08.27.03 | News in Brief

  MANITOU SPRINGS, CO—According to a number of area women, the lovemaking abilities of the handsome and gregarious Ken Millagro are matched only by his ability to quietly slink out the door after a night of passion. "I'll spare you the details, but Ken was really, really good in the sack," 35-year-old Heather Yorgrau said Sunday, the morning after meeting Millagro at a friend's birthday party. "He was also really, really good at getting out of the sack without waking me up. He was absolutely amazing at not tripping over the shoes on the floor, leaving the noisy fan in the bathroom off, and quietly managing the locks on the front door." Millagro was unable to be found for comment. more»

• Japan Spotted Hovering Over Algeria

  ISSUE 39•33 | 08.27.03 | News in Brief

  ALGIERS, ALGERIA—Japan continued to vex the world Monday, as numerous eyewitnesses saw the exotic and mysterious Pacific Rim country hovering over the mountainous coastal regions of Algeria. "I noticed it up there around noon," said Ahmed Boumediènne, a farmer whose land lay in the 1,744-mile shadow temporarily cast by the floating archipelago. "The schoolchildren were having a great time waving at it. But, when I came out after lunch, it was gone again. Must have moved on." Boumediènne added that no one was threatened by Japan's serene presence. As of press time, the Japanese islands were back in the Pacific Ocean. more»

• Woman Only Dates On National Television Now

  ISSUE 39•33 | 08.27.03 | News in Brief

  HOLLYWOOD—After stints on Temptation Island, The Bachelor, and For Love Or Money, 23-year-old bartender/model Angela Langdon announced Monday that she refuses to date anyone who's not courting her in a front of a national TV audience. "Unless there's the promise of a million-dollar payday, a romantic evening in the tropics, or a humiliating rejection in front of all of America, I'm not interested," Langdon told potential suitors. "Come with cameras, or don't come at all." Langdon also expressed a preference for network shows over those in syndication. more»

• Public Urinator Gives Passerby Dirty Look

  ISSUE 39•33 | 08.27.03 | News in Brief

  TALLAHASSEE, FL—While walking past a house party on Tripoli Avenue early Sunday morning, Howard Lipner, 20, received a withering look from an unidentified public urinator. "He was taking a leak right there in the front yard, not even behind a bush, or garbage can, or anything," Lipner said. "And he gives me this look, like, 'What are you looking at? Can't you see I'm trying to take a piss?' As if it's my fault for walking on a public sidewalk while he's out there taking a leak, like the king of Sheba." Lipner assured reporters that he intentionally avoided looking at the urinator's penis, because he's "not some kind of perv." more»

• The New Energy Bill

  ISSUE 44•27 ISSUE 39•33 | 08.27.03 | Infographic

  Congress is reworking legislation that addresses the nation's electricity transmission problems. What's in the new energy plan? more»

  

• Horoscope for the week of August 27, 2003

  ISSUE 39•33 | 08.27.03 | Horoscope

  You'll raise self-involvement to new heights by taking the discovery of a new species of insect as a personal affront. more»

• With Whom Are We Avoiding Eye Contact?

  ISSUE 39•33 | 08.27.03 | Statshot

  

• King Latifah Returns For Wife

  ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 39•33 | 08.27.03 | News in Photos

  

• Old El Paso Introduces Emergency Taco Kit

  ISSUE 39•33 | 08.27.03 | News in Photos

  

• Perhaps I've Been A Little Too Tough On Crime

  ISSUE 39•33 | 08.27.03 | Commentary

  As district attorney of Grand Rapids, I've got a lot of responsibility. This job keeps me running day and night. But with all the prosecuting and sentencing I've been doing lately, I've started to think that maybe I've been a little tough on crime. more»

• Billy Crystal Passed Over... Again!

  ISSUE 39•33 | 08.27.03 | Commentary

  Item! According to my sources, the Emmys—the Oscars of television—are going to be hosted by no less than seven comedians. Before you get your hopes up, I checked, and none of the hosts will be funnyman Billy Crystal. Now, I ask you, the esteemed Academy, why waste a golden opportunity? I'm sure the other hosts are very funny, but have they proven themselves like Billy? I doubt it. more»

• The Ten Commandments Ruling

  ISSUE 39•33 | 08.27.03 | American Voices

  State Supreme Court justices recently ordered that a Ten Commandments monument be removed from the Alabama Judicial Building. What do you think? more»

• Scissors Kills Paper, Rock; Turns Blade On Self

• Rear End Justifies Means