85 Percent Of Public Believes Bush's Approval Rating Fell In Last Month

Top Headlines

Issue 3938

Satan Depressed All Weekend After Man Opts Out Of Casino Trip

UNCASVILLE, CT—Satan, The Father Of Lies, suffered a dispiriting blow Saturday, when potential sinner Jeffrey Kremer chose to forgo a soul-polluting trip to the Mohegan Sun Resort Casino, The Prince Of Darkness said Monday. "I had hoped that the allure of the bright lights and the promise of instant wealth would tempt Kremer into the mortal sin of avarice," a despondent Lucifer said. "Alas, he told his friends that he felt like spending the day hanging out around the house, instead of joining them at the casino. Curses!" Satan said he hopes that Kremer will at least watch softcore pornography on cable before the week is over.

Frustrated Sycophant Can't Figure Out What Boss Wants To Hear

HOUSTON, TX—Associate vice-president Barry Ackerman has been struggling to determine exactly what West Texas Bank CEO William J. Holloway wants to hear, the shameless toady said Monday. "I thought for sure he'd be against Proposition 13, because it allows home-equity lines of credit," said the bootlicking Ackerman. "But when I started slamming it, he told me he supported giving the public greater spending power. I just can't read him." To repair any damage his comment may have done, Ackerman sent Holloway two tickets to The Producers.

Plan To Live In Storage Facility Voiced

LOUISVILLE, KY—Just Sunglasses employee Eric Thorp intrigued coworkers Monday with his ingenious plan to live in a storage-facility unit. "The rent would be, like, 50 bucks a month," Thorp said. "Those things are totally heated in the winter, you know. For another $50, I could join a gym, and shower there." Coworkers could find no significant downside to Thorp's idea, which no one in the world had ever thought of before.

Regular Citizen Heroically Enforces Park's 'No Glass Containers' Rule

LINCOLN, NE—Courageous citizen Gail Wendell went above and beyond the call of civilian duty when she enforced Irvingdale Park's "no glass containers" rule Tuesday. "Excuse me, that bottle is not allowed in this park," said Wendell to Rich Cavanaugh, who was drinking a Snapple. "Read the signs." Wendell last intervened for the common good Monday, when she glared at a Target shopper who failed to use the cart corral.

Schwarzenegger Running Out Of Movie-Related Campaign Slogans

LOS ANGELES—Two months after he announced his candidacy for the California gubernatorial recall election, Arnold Schwarzenegger is running out of movie-related campaign quips. "Government and special-interest groups should not be 'Twins,'" the actor said during the Sept. 24 debate. At a fundraising breakfast Monday, the actor told a confused group of business leaders, "I will 'Jingle All The Way' to Sacramento!" Breakfast attendee Ken Straus said Schwarzenegger "really hit the bottom of the barrel" minutes later, when the actor announced, "In the movies, I played Hercules going bananas. But it's the tax-and-spend Democrats who are really going bananas."
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Business

Coworkers Pull Off Daring One-Hour Lunch Break

TUCSON, AZ—Saying they couldn’t believe such a wild exploit had even been attempted, employees at local marketing firm Synergy Media Services told reporters they were still completely dumbfounded Thursday after account manager Tim Gibbons managed to pull off a daring one-hour lunch break.

Satisfaction

85 Percent Of Public Believes Bush's Approval Rating Fell In Last Month

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a Gallup public-opinion opinion poll released Monday, a solid 85 percent of the American people strongly believe that the American people no longer strongly believe that Bush is performing effectively as president.

Poll Watch

"Due to perceived dissatisfaction over the economy, a strong majority of Americans believe that a strong majority of Americans believe that Bush's reputation has taken a hit," said Paul Mallock, a spokesman for Gallup. "In addition, we discovered a small but growing minority that believes a small but vocal minority is dissatisfied with the way the president is handling the situation in Iraq. The small but growing minority we found believes that a small but vocal group of Americans thinks that reconstruction is messier and more expensive than Bush originally said it would be."

Of the 10,577 U.S. adults polled, 8,891 "strongly agreed" that more Americans "strongly disapproved" of the president's current performance.

Mallock said the poll, in which public perception of Bush's popularity fell to its lowest point since he took office, may be a cause for worry among GOP leaders.

"This is a potentially devastating public commentary on the perceived public opinion that Bush will use to guide his re-election campaign," Mallock said. "In fact, some see this as the most dramatic midterm shift in the public's perception of popular opinion of the presidency since Carter was in office. The Carter Administration was, as you may recall, believed to be very poorly regarded."

Nearly 65 percent of Americans polled said citizens will respond favorably to seeing Bush with this cute doggie.

Of those polled, 68 percent said that "at least half" of Americans think that consumer confidence has dropped by "at least 50 percent" since Bush took office. One out of every three participants also noted that one out of four Americans believed that Bush was at least partially to blame for the perceived drop.

"I'm not surprised," said Barry Amodale, a Plano, TX, systems analyst. "I had a feeling that Americans were feeling that way. I heard that the voters were wondering how the average citizen thought Bush would explain his $87 billion request to the taxpayers, too."

Amodale's opinion seems to reflect a recent rise in the popular regard of general opinion.

"I saw something on CNN about the White House response to a Time magazine story about Congress' reaction to Bush's tax cut," Mammoth Falls, PA, schoolteacher Robert Brinley said. "I guess that story really made people think about how people think."

The opinions of Bush's approval rating, as revealed by the poll, are already beginning to affect public opinion.

"Until last week, I didn't know that people had such strong opinions about public opinion about Bush," said Greg Simon, a Chicago-area realtor. "I may have to reconsider my feelings about the president. I wouldn't want people to think that I don't think that what they think is important."

Such public reactions to Gallup-poll findings are typical, Mallock said.

"We often see a desire to acquiesce among survey participants," polling-analysis analyst Tamara Bello-Dockett said. "There's a pendulum effect to the feedback loop generated by the see-saw aspect of how people form their opinions about their perceptions of others' beliefs. This does make it somewhat difficult for us to know exactly what the American people are actually saying about how the public is feeling about popular thinking, if you see what I mean."

Gallup-poll results are accurate to within plus or minus 3 percent.