Former Chinese Dissident Has Your Order Ready

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Issue 4007

Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades

Would someone tell me how this happened? We were the fucking vanguard of shaving in this country. The Gillette Mach3 was the razor to own. Then the other guy came out with a three-blade razor. Were we scared? Hell, no.

Teen Responsible For All Six Items In Clarksburg Police Blotter

CLARKSBURG, WV—According to sources at the Clarksburg Telegram, troubled youth Danny Nathum, 17, is responsible for all six items on Monday's police blotter. "We had two disorderly-conduct reports, three counts of vandalism, and one DUI arrest," Telegram assistant editor Jesse Sutton said. "Looks like Mr. Nathum had himself one heck of a busy weekend." Clarksburg, population 16,743, last experienced an all-Nathum crime spree in December, when the teen stole a bicycle, burned down a barn, and punched Old Man Herman.

Specifics Of Hostile Takeover Fiercely Boring

NEW YORK—Details of a "hostile" bid by software manufacturer Octagon Corporation are, in fact, fiercely, mind-numbingly dull, sources reported Tuesday. "Following the SoftWave International board of directors' rejection of Octagon's unsolicited offer, Octagon essentially eliminated SoftWave as an entity by purchasing 300,000 shares at $453.35—$134.34 more than the current market value," financial analyst Bryan Falwick said, droning on endlessly about the supposedly thrilling upset. "Everyone was shocked when Octagon swooped in and nabbed controlling interest." Falwick said he assumed that the forthcoming rollout of the XSpreadsheet software suite motivated the "raid."

William Katt Programs Own Name Into TiVo

LOS ANGELES—Sources close to William Katt said Monday that the Greatest American Hero star has his own name programmed into his TiVo digital video recorder. "Bill gets really excited when he comes home and finds one of his 7th Heaven episodes or sees that he's caught House IV on Cinemax," friend Ray Morris said. "Maybe he does it so he knows to watch for a residual check." Morris said Katt also frequently scans his listing on the Internet Movie Database for errors.

I'll Tell You What I'd Do If I Were Gay

A guy from work introduced me to his boyfriend this week. He seemed pretty nice, but it was weird, because he didn't look gay at all. He was a computer programmer and looked like any fat, balding slob you'd run into on the street. I have to say, I would never let myself go like that if I were gay.

Identity Theft Safeguards

Identity theft is a growing problem in America. What does the Federal Trade Commission suggest consumers do to protect themselves?
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Former Chinese Dissident Has Your Order Ready

SAN FRANCISCO—Dr. Xu Shui Xian Liang, a founding member of the Autonomous Federation of Beijing's Workers in Tiananmen Square who spent 12 years in a labor camp for his involvement in the anti-dictatorship effort during the Cultural Revolution, is ready with your order. "That's one chipotle chicken-filet sandwich, two large regular salads—tofu bacon on one, a white-chicken-chili soup, and three low-fat blondies," said the former leader of the students' movement in the Guang Tong province. "Would you like your receipt?" Xu, who was tortured into confessing to stealing state assets in collusion with organized crime shortly before he defected to the U.S. in 1999, is sorry, he will be right back with that Diet Coke.