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Day Job Officially Becomes Job

• Kerry Makes Whistle-Stop Tour From Deck Of Yacht

  ISSUE 40•07 | 02.18.04 | News

  LANCASTER, PA—Democratic frontrunner Sen. John Kerry (D-MA) began a seven-day, eight-state whistle-stop tour Monday, addressing a group of Frigidaire factory workers from the all-teak deck of his 60-foot luxury motor cruiser. more»

  

• Hungover Couple Unaware They Broke Up Last Night

  ISSUE 40•07 | 02.18.04 | News

  MINNEAPOLIS—Area couple Gene Hayter and Amy Peterman spent most of Sunday tenderly helping each other nurse massive hangovers, unaware that they broke up in a bitter, alcohol-fueled rage during the night. more»

  

• Osama Bin Laden Found Inside Each Of Us

  ISSUE 40•07 | 02.18.04 | News

  WASHINGTON, DC—Osama bin Laden was found hiding deep inside the darkest regions of our souls. more»

  

• Iowa Resident Has Opinion Month Too Late

  ISSUE 40•07 | 02.18.04 | News in Brief

  STORM LAKE, IA—Four weeks after the Iowa Democratic caucus, livestock farmer Darryl Welch, 48, expressed an informed opinion about the candidates Monday. "I like what John Edwards says about rebuilding international alliances to fight terror, but I think some of the programs he supports would mean higher taxes," Welch said Monday. "I wish I'd have said that to all those AP reporters, instead of telling them that I didn't know who I wanted to vote for yet." Unfortunately, Welch's opinions will not be relevant for another three years and 11 months. more»

• William Katt Programs Own Name Into TiVo

  ISSUE 40•07 | 02.18.04 | News in Brief

  LOS ANGELES—Sources close to William Katt said Monday that the Greatest American Hero star has his own name programmed into his TiVo digital video recorder. "Bill gets really excited when he comes home and finds one of his 7th Heaven episodes or sees that he's caught House IV on Cinemax," friend Ray Morris said. "Maybe he does it so he knows to watch for a residual check." Morris said Katt also frequently scans his listing on the Internet Movie Database for errors. more»

• Specifics Of Hostile Takeover Fiercely Boring

  ISSUE 40•07 | 02.18.04 | News in Brief

  NEW YORK—Details of a "hostile" bid by software manufacturer Octagon Corporation are, in fact, fiercely, mind-numbingly dull, sources reported Tuesday. "Following the SoftWave International board of directors' rejection of Octagon's unsolicited offer, Octagon essentially eliminated SoftWave as an entity by purchasing 300,000 shares at $453.35—$134.34 more than the current market value," financial analyst Bryan Falwick said, droning on endlessly about the supposedly thrilling upset. "Everyone was shocked when Octagon swooped in and nabbed controlling interest." Falwick said he assumed that the forthcoming rollout of the XSpreadsheet software suite motivated the "raid." more»

• Teen Responsible For All Six Items In Clarksburg Police Blotter

  ISSUE 40•07 | 02.18.04 | News in Brief

  CLARKSBURG, WV—According to sources at the Clarksburg Telegram, troubled youth Danny Nathum, 17, is responsible for all six items on Monday's police blotter. "We had two disorderly-conduct reports, three counts of vandalism, and one DUI arrest," Telegram assistant editor Jesse Sutton said. "Looks like Mr. Nathum had himself one heck of a busy weekend." Clarksburg, population 16,743, last experienced an all-Nathum crime spree in December, when the teen stole a bicycle, burned down a barn, and punched Old Man Herman. more»

• Former Chinese Dissident Has Your Order Ready

  ISSUE 40•07 | 02.18.04 | News in Brief

  SAN FRANCISCO—Dr. Xu Shui Xian Liang, a founding member of the Autonomous Federation of Beijing's Workers in Tiananmen Square who spent 12 years in a labor camp for his involvement in the anti-dictatorship effort during the Cultural Revolution, is ready with your order. "That's one chipotle chicken-filet sandwich, two large regular salads—tofu bacon on one, a white-chicken-chili soup, and three low-fat blondies," said the former leader of the students' movement in the Guang Tong province. "Would you like your receipt?" Xu, who was tortured into confessing to stealing state assets in collusion with organized crime shortly before he defected to the U.S. in 1999, is sorry, he will be right back with that Diet Coke. more»

• Identity Theft Safeguards

  ISSUE 40•07 | 02.18.04 | Infographic

  Identity theft is a growing problem in America. What does the Federal Trade Commission suggest consumers do to protect themselves? more»

  

• Horoscope for the week of February 18, 2004

  ISSUE 40•07 | 02.18.04 | Horoscope

  Religious leaders from around the world will agree that God seems to be reacting to your criticism rather harshly. more»

• What Parts Are We Trying Out For?

  ISSUE 40•07 | 02.18.04 | Statshot

  

• Fox News Problem Solvers In Way Over Their Heads

  ISSUE 40•07 | 02.18.04 | News in Photos

  

• Penis Enlargement Pills Tested On Dog

  ISSUE 40•07 | 02.18.04 | News in Photos

  

• I'll Tell You What I'd Do If I Were Gay

  ISSUE 40•07 | 02.18.04 | Commentary

  A guy from work introduced me to his boyfriend this week. He seemed pretty nice, but it was weird, because he didn't look gay at all. He was a computer programmer and looked like any fat, balding slob you'd run into on the street. I have to say, I would never let myself go like that if I were gay. more»

• Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades

  ISSUE 40•07 | 02.18.04 | Commentary

  Would someone tell me how this happened? We were the fucking vanguard of shaving in this country. The Gillette Mach3 was the razor to own. Then the other guy came out with a three-blade razor. Were we scared? Hell, no. more»

• February 20, 1947

  ISSUE 40•07 | 02.18.04 | History

  

• Human Cloning

  ISSUE 40•07 | 02.18.04 | American Voices

  South Korean scientists successfully cloned a human embryo, a procedure some feel is unethical. What do you think? more»

• Martha Stewart Witness Grilled After Being Marinated Overnight