Bush Calls Incumbency Key Issue Of Campaign

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Issue 4011

Leftover Christmas Billboard Stirs Seasonally Inappropriate Emotion

ST. LOUIS—Local architect Steve Burillo felt a momentary flush of seasonally incongruous holiday spirit Tuesday when he saw a Christmas-themed billboard on South Broadway. "The sign was advertising the St. Louis Ballet's performance of The Nutcracker, and for a second, I felt a stirring desire to volunteer for a charity and spread goodwill amongst my fellow men," Burillo said warmly. "But then I was like, 'Screw it. It's March. I should get to the gym and get in shape for summer.'" Burillo added that they really ought to take the billboard down before someone goes out and spends quality time with loved ones.

Confusing Insult Awkwardly Clarified

BOZEMAN, MT—Prudential Insurance administrative assistant Becky DuBois, 24, was forced to explain herself Tuesday morning after an off-hand insult was not understood by coworker Kimberly Spellman. "Oh, I just meant, 'This is what a bill looks like,' as in... Well, you said that your parents still pay your credit-card bill for you," DuBois told Spellman. "So, I just sorta meant... you know, that you don't know what bills look like." DuBois then said she didn't mean it as an insult, because she knows that Spellman said she hates it that her parents do that, and that she's totally sorry if Spellman took it that way.

Sheets Changed After Every Breakup

ITHACA, NY—Michael Pelske changes his bed sheets after every breakup, the 24-year-old bicycle messenger announced Monday. "I'd never bring some woman I just met home to a set of filthy sheets," said Pelske, who changed his sheets Saturday before hitting the bars following his break-up with Linda Keely, his girlfriend of four months. "But then, a few weeks into the relationship, you start to let things like that slide." Pelske's cotton-twill, 180-thread-count, light-blue sheets have been washed 13 times since his mother bought them for him in May 2001.

Return Of Dawn Of The Dead

A remake of the 70's horror film Dawn Of The Dead hits theaters this weekend. What changes were made in the new version?

Your Dog Is In Heaven Now, With No One To Feed Him

Come over here and sit on Mommy's lap. I've got some bad news, Tommy. Are you ready? Tommy, while you were at school today, Sparky got out of the backyard and ran in front of a truck. I rushed him to the vet, but there was nothing she could do.

Once Again, Oscar Is King Of The Rings!

I've got a lot on my plate this week, loyal Harveyheads. There's been an avalanche of events in the world of entertainment, so grab those boots! We're going snowboarding—in Hollywood!
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Special Coverage

Family

  • Good News Kept From Parents Out Of Fear Of Proving Them Right

    DANBURY, CT—Saying she wants no part of the conversation that would inevitably result if she broke the good news, local medical billing technician Jenny Comers reported Friday that she’s keeping word of her recent pay raise from her parents out of fear of proving them right.

Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Bush Calls Incumbency Key Issue Of Campaign

WASHINGTON, DC—At a campaign dinner Monday, President Bush identified incumbency as the key issue in the upcoming presidential election. "Look at my opponent's record on incumbency," Bush said. "John Kerry is not the president at this time. That's an indisputable matter of public record." Bush added that the American public should seriously consider whether it wants to risk electing a president who has no experience heading a nation, has never resided in the White House, and does not have even one State Of The Union address under his belt.