Woman Looks Great For A 32-Year-Old

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Issue 4016

Weird Al Honors Parents' Memory With 'Tears In Heaven' Parody

FALLBROOK, CA—Zany, mourning entertainer "Weird Al" Yankovic has parodied Eric Clapton's eulogy song "Tears In Heaven" in loving tribute to his parents, who recently died of carbon-monoxide poisoning in their San Diego home, a spokesman for Yankovic said Monday. "Al's hurting deeply right now, and this is his way of honoring Nick and Mary," Karl Tuft said of the song in which a subdued Yankovic sings, "First you lit some flames / Then the smoke stopped your breathin' / Carbon mono's th'way you went... / Up to heaven" over a somber, minor-key accordion melody. Tuft added that the best way for Yankovic to give voice to his pain and loss was by altering the voice of Clapton's pain and loss.

Longtime Heckler Just Kind Of Fell Into Heckling

LOS ANGELES—Comedy-club regular Ray Thurmond, 53, has heckled Southern California's comedians for the past 21 years, but he told reporters Monday that he never planned to become a heckler. "I was watching some awful act at the Comedy Store, and the guy was totally bombing," Thurmond said. "So I yelled, 'God, you suck.' Well, the audience really cracked up, so I yelled at him to get off the stage. One thing led to another, and here I am." Thurmond also said that, while he did not coin the phrase, he may have been responsible for introducing the concept of not quitting your day job to the local scene.

Historian Has Big News For Grover Cleveland Fans

CALDWELL, NJ—Historian and author Louis Putnam announced Monday that his new book about Grover Cleveland will shock fans of the 22nd and 24th U.S. president. "You're gonna see the only president to serve two non-consecutive terms as you've never seen him before," Putnam said. "Forget Tammany Hall, screw the paternity scandal, and to hell with a so-called 'secret' battle with jaw cancer. When my book comes out, you're gonna fucking flip." Putnam's book, Grover! Grover! Grover!, will hit bookstore shelves May 13.

Libertarian Reluctantly Calls Fire Department

CHEYENNE, WY—After attempting to contain a living-room blaze started by a cigarette, card-carrying Libertarian Trent Jacobs reluctantly called the Cheyenne Fire Department Monday. "Although the community would do better to rely on an efficient, free-market fire-fighting service, the fact is that expensive, unnecessary public fire departments do exist," Jacobs said. "Also, my house was burning down." Jacobs did not offer to pay firefighters for their service.

I Haven't Achieved Greatness So Much As I Was Born Into It

Earlier today, on the way back from a shareholders meeting in Melbourne, the pilot of my Bombardier Challenger 604 twinprop private jet asked how I had managed to rise to a position of such great power and prestige at so young an age. After several modest demurrals, I settled back in my seat and began to explain my secret: I haven't so much "earned" greatness as I was "born into it."
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Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Woman Looks Great For A 32-Year-Old

BLOOMINGTON, MN—Acquaintances and coworkers of local resident Jenny Scribba cannot get over how vibrant she looks, considering the fact that she is 32 years old.

Scribba, who is already 32.

"That girl is 32? No way," 24-year-old Arden Rice, a waitress at a local diner that Scribba frequents, said Monday. "You're joking. I never would've guessed she was over 30! She looks so great."

Sources say many people are incredulous when they hear that Scribba, who is still quite attractive, is actually 32. It's hard to believe, but true: Scribba was born in 1972, the year of the Watergate break-in and the Israeli Olympic team massacre, yet she possesses a trim figure and a smooth, unlined face.

"Jenny hardly looks a day over 27," said neighbor and University of Minnesota student Bethany Weber, 21. "Where are her wrinkles? You can sort of see little lines around her eyes when she smiles, but they disappear when she stops. I hope I look that good when I'm her age."

Continued Weber: "I have this older cousin who was a total hunk in high school. But now he's 35, and he looks like Popeye. Jenny gives me something to aspire to. I wonder if she uses, like, Oil Of Olay or something. I don't think she's had any work done."

Scribba, an assistant designer at a commercial-graphics firm with a relaxed dress code, frequently wears jeans, T-shirts, and casual skirts like those worn by women 10 or even 20 years younger than she is.

"Normally, when I see a 32-year-old woman dressed like [Scribba], I think, 'Give it up. You're old,'" intern Kimberly Kleutgen, 18, said. "But Jenny manages to pull it off."

"When we go out for drinks after work, Jenny sometimes has to show ID along with the younger employees," 21-year-old coworker Judd Truman said. "Keep in mind, this is a woman who learned to walk years before the commercial availability of VCRs, when Billie Jean King was the world's top female tennis player and people purchased music on 8-track tapes."

According to Truman, Scribba's friendliness and enthusiasm also lead people to assume that she's younger than 32.

"Jenny doesn't act like most older people," Truman said. "She's totally willing to joke around, and she never looks down on you for having a good time."

"In fact, she's into a lot of the same things my friends and I like," Truman continued. "When they played [OutKast's] 'The Way You Move' at the office party, she was totally dancing with us. Believe it or not, it wasn't embarrassing. It didn't come off like she was desperately clinging to her fading youth at all. In fact, it was almost like she was in her element. She's still totally able to enjoy herself. That's so cool."

The reason for Scribba's youthful appearance is unknown. Heredity is most likely not a factor, as her parents, Edina residents Michael and Madeleine Scribba, both suffer from the dry, wrinkled skin, bony hands, and sagging chests that old people usually have.

"Jenny's a lovely girl," Madeleine, 60, said as her 63-year-old husband nodded in assent. "I've always said that."

Scribba said she does not avoid foods that contribute to premature aging, such as alcohol, meat, and junk food. According to Truman, Scribba regularly eats pizza, M&Ms, and even doughnuts.

"I once saw her eat an entire plate of fettuccine Alfredo," Truman said. "That stuff is just swimming with free radicals, you know. I would think that someone Jenny's age would avoid cheese and salt, but it doesn't seem to affect her."

Asked about her beauty regimen, Scribba seemed reluctant to give away any of her secrets.

"Uh, well, I don't know, nothing too special," Scribba said. "I guess I try to get enough sleep. I eat a good breakfast, and I ride my bike when the weather is nice. I go to the movies at least a couple times a month. Oh, and I wear sunscreen."

"Yeah, I can't believe I'm 32 already," Scribba added. "All the same, I can't tell you what I'll be doing at 40. Married? Kids? Who knows? It's still too far off to even speculate."

The age-defying Scribba turns 33 next February, but shows no signs of slowing. In the coming weeks, she plans to paint her apartment, attend a family reunion in Biloxi, MS, and get her hair cut.