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IKEA Claims Another 10,000 Lifestyles

• Tom Hanks This Week's Guest President

  ISSUE 43•28 ISSUE 40•17 | 04.28.04 | News

  WASHINGTON, DC—Superstar actor Tom Hanks will fill President Bush's spot at the White House through Friday while the chief executive takes the week off. more»

  

• Woman Overcomes Years Of Child Abuse To Achieve Porn Stardom

  ISSUE 40•17 | 04.28.04 | News

  VAN NUYS, CA—Psychologists agree that children who are neglected or abused by their caretakers often develop long-term mental-health problems. Childhood trauma frequently leads to emotional problems such as depression, feelings of worthlessness, underachievement, and detachment from reality. But some victims find the strength to rise above tragedy. One such survivor is Katrina Foechelman, an attractive 22-year-old who has overcome years of sexual abuse to achieve something most women only dream of: a featured role in a top-selling pornographic video. more»

  

• Web Of Lies Surrounds Late Birthday Card

  ISSUE 40•17 | 04.28.04 | News

  MISSOULA, MT—Only a thin tissue of lies screens area resident Jessica Jurgensen from the unpleasant reality that her friend Gina Tobler forgot her 34th birthday, which occurred four days ago. more»

  

• Unpopped Kernels Costing U.S. Billions

  ISSUE 40•17 | 04.28.04 | News in Brief

  SIOUX CITY, IA—The singed, partially opened, and otherwise unpopped kernels at the bottom of U.S. snack bowls are costing Americans an average of $18 billion every year, FDA sources reported Tuesday. "The typical pound of popping corn results in an average of 35 'dead' kernels," FDA deputy commissioner Lester M. Crawford said before Congress. "Considering the costs of growing, processing, and packaging these kernels, and the heat energy expended in fruitless endeavors to pop them, it's an epic level of waste." Crawford asked Congress to double funding for the FDA's $200 million old-maid-elimination research project. more»

• Spawn Of Satan A Failure In Father's Eyes

  ISSUE 40•17 | 04.28.04 | News in Brief

  TUSTIN, CA—The humanoid spawn of Satan, Belial K. Ravana, 16, has proven to be a huge disappointment to his father, His Satanic Majesty reported from Hell Tuesday. "Apparently, young Belial started a fire in the garbage can at school today," Satan said. "When I begat young Belial, I had high hopes that he would follow in my cloven-hoofsteps. At his age, I was scorching the earth in hellfire, flensing the skin off of infants, and making the streets of Babylon run red with the blood of the righteous." Satan said he hopes Belial will turn it around and "at least rape the principal" before the semester's end. more»

• Putting Up With Dave's Shit Not In Job Description

  ISSUE 40•17 | 04.28.04 | News in Brief

  SPOKANE, WA—Although he's willing to put up with a hell of a lot, coffee-shop employee Jason Bowen said Tuesday that dealing with endless amounts of Dave's shit isn't part of his job description. "I'm sorry, but I didn't come to the Second Cup just so [store manager] Dave [Shaw] could use me as his personal slave," Bowen said. "Nothing in the employee handbook says I have to stay until midnight cleaning the cappuccino machines, just because he has to go argue with his fucking girlfriend." Bowen added that he was hired as a barista, and maintenance work is so not what he's paid to do. more»

• Strangulation The New Blow To The Head, Says Hired Killer Magazine

  ISSUE 40•17 | 04.28.04 | News in Brief

  NEW YORK—Strangulation has replaced a violent blow to the skull as the hot new way to eliminate a target, according to the May issue of Hired Killer magazine. "Striking the occipital was fine in the easygoing '90s—an audible thump and a sloppily collapsing body fit the casual feel of the times," read the article by Jonathan Grecco. "But the elegant silence of a strangle kill, and the skill that its proper execution demands, are too-too today, especially when a monofilament line is used to modernize this classic." The May issue also features 10 Ways First-Time Trigger-Men Screw Up A Body Disposal. more»

• Bush To Iraqi Militants: 'Please Stop Bringing It On'

  ISSUE 40•17 | 04.28.04 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON, DC—In an internationally televised statement Monday, President Bush modified a July 2003 challenge to Iraqi militants attacking U.S. forces. "Terrorists, Saddam loyalists, and anti-American insurgents: Please stop bringing it on now," Bush said at a Monday press conference. "Nine months and 500 U.S. casualties ago, I may have invited y'all to bring it on, but as of today, I formally rescind that statement. I would officially like for you to step back." The president added that the "it" Iraqis should stop bringing includes gunfire, bombings, grenade attacks, and suicide missions of all types. more»

• Guantanamo Detainees' Complaints

  ISSUE 40•17 | 04.28.04 | Infographic

  more»

  

• Horoscope for the week of April 28, 2004

  ISSUE 40•17 | 04.28.04 | Horoscope

  You love pointing out that you were raised by wolves, but you never mention that they were Harvard-educated, old-money Boston wolves. more»

• To Whom Would We Rather Be Married?

  ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 44•26 ISSUE 40•17 | 04.28.04 | Statshot

  

• Grocery-Store Freezer's White Castle Section A Wreck

  ISSUE 40•17 | 04.28.04 | News in Photos

  

• Suicide Bombing A Cry For Help, Vengeance Against The Infidel

  ISSUE 40•17 | 04.28.04 | News in Photos

  

• Sept. 11 Could Not Have Been Prevented Without Accruing A Lot Of Overtime

  ISSUE 40•17 | 04.28.04 | Commentary

  Esteemed members of the National Commission on Terrorist Attacks upon the United States, good afternoon. As National Security Advisor, my job is to coordinate the efforts of America's intelligence and defense agencies and report directly to the president. I was, and continue to be, in a unique position to understand the threats and dangers our nation faces. It is with utmost confidence and sincerity that I assure each and every one of you that there was no way the federal government could have prevented the horrific events of Sept. 11 without accruing an enormous amount of overtime. more»

• You're Fired!

  ISSUE 40•17 | 04.28.04 | Commentary

  You're fired! Since Donald Trump started saying it on The Apprentices, I can't say it enough. It's this year's "Is that your final answer?" I've been saying it to everyone: my friends, my mailman, and even my mom! And now we know the apprentice is Bob, who proved that he had the goods by coordinating a golf tournament. Congratulations, Bob! more»

• April 22, 1906

  ISSUE 40•17 | 04.28.04 | History

  

• National Cyber Security

  ISSUE 40•17 | 04.28.04 | American Voices

  The Department of Homeland Security recently identified a serious Internet security flaw that could leave the web vulnerable to hackers. What do you think? more»

• Jewish Senior Schlepped To Emergency Room