New Prescription-Only Sandwich Extra Delicious

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Issue 4020

Apparently Werewolf Was Allergic To Peanuts

NEW ORLEANS—The werewolf who died while attacking a young woman Sunday must have been allergic to peanuts, experts said Tuesday. "The wolfman crashed through the intended victim's front window, but before the accursed beast could tear her apart in a savage fury, he stepped in a bowl of honey-roasted peanuts," said Dr. Alex Price, professor of lycanthropic studies at Tulane University. "Within seconds, the hellbeast's face began to swell, and he collapsed into an anaphylactic attack, unable to breathe." Price said that, had the werewolf not been more animal than man at the time of the attack, he likely would have used the epinephrine injection pen paramedics found in the breast pocket of his shirt.

Woman With Six Dogs Resents Non-Dogs

ALBANY, CA—Bay Area resident Emily Dobbyns, owner of two wire-haired fox terriers, two shih tzus, one Maltese, and a pug, revealed yesterday that she resents all non-canine life forms. "My family and coworkers and friends are so hard to get along with," Dobbyns said, petting her pug Skipper. "They're so opinionated, and they let their egos complicate everything." Dobbyns added that her little Skipperdoodle would never expect her to drive 22 miles to a birthday party at a restaurant she doesn't even like.

Pawn-Shop Customer Plans To Buy Toaster Back

CHICAGO—Drug addict Chris Fehring, 27, announced plans Monday to eventually buy back the GE toaster he'd sold an hour earlier to U-Name-It Pawn. "This is only temporary," said Fehring, who'd already parlayed the $3 he received into a crack purchase. "I'll buy it back as soon as I have electricity again." Fehring also stated his intention to buy back the blood he sold to the plasma center Monday.

White House Slam Dunk Contest Results In No Slam Dunks

WASHINGTON, DC—The annual White House Slam Dunk Contest, a spring ritual since 1977, featured its usual share of cringe-worthy misses and twisted knees Monday, but once again, no slam dunks. "I tell you, this is some sorry stuff I'm seeing," celebrity judge and former San Antonio Spur George "Iceman" Gervin said, holding up a "1" card after press secretary Scott McClellan made an awkward leap in a pair of wingtips. "The three-point contest was bad enough, but this is just depressing." The last White House slam dunk on record occurred in 1983, when a blindfolded Secretary of the Interior James Watt leaped from the foul line to execute an aerial 360-spin into a tomahawk that shattered the backboard.

Electronic Voting Machines

Computerized voting systems promise to simplify the polling process, but many Americans are worried about their accuracy. What are the machines' potential problems?

Fahrenheit 9-11

Disney recently blocked Miramax from releasing Michael Moore's Fahrenheit 9-11, a film criticizing President Bush's handling of Sept. 11. What do you think?

Funeral Looks Cheap

DEARBORN, MI—Everything from the bottom-of-the-line coffin to the shabby suit worn by the deceased made the funeral of longtime assembly-line foreman Thomas Meissner, who died May 13 at the age of 68, look cheap, several guests reported Tuesday.
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New Prescription-Only Sandwich Extra Delicious

NEW YORK—At a press conference Monday, drug giant Pfizer formally introduced Hoagizine, a pharmaceutical-grade Turkey-Bacon-Guacamole Melt so delicious, it's only available by prescription.

A pharmacist in Long Beach, CA explains the possible side effects of Hoagizine.

"Made with lean white turkey breast, hickory-smoked bacon, zesty guacamole, Boston leaf lettuce, and ripe tomatoes on crusty French bread, Hoagizine is indicated in the treatment of lunchtime satisfaction dysfunction," said Stephen Spencer, Pfizer's head of research and product development. "But Hoagizine is only available after consultation with a physician, so be sure to ask your doctor if this new sandwich is right for you."

The extra-potent sandwich passed rigorous testing in both branches of the FDA in February. In clinical trials, 96 percent of patients who administered the sandwich orally experienced a deliciousness they described as "heightened," "intense," or even "overwhelming." In the same trial, only 16 percent of those who received placebo sandwiches reported experiencing high levels of deliciousness.

In preparation for Monday's announcement, Pfizer produced 800,000 units of the oral sandwich and distributed them to pharmacies nationwide. Additionally, Pfizer personnel sent out samples of Hoagizine and educated physicians on patient-screening procedures, treatment regimens, and serving suggestions.

"This sandwich is extremely effective in the treatment of severe acute and chronic hunger," Pfizer spokesman Abdul Johnson said. "For consumers who find that their regular sandwich is no longer effectively reducing pangs, the Turkey-Bacon-Guacamole Melt represents a good treatment option."

Johnson said Pfizer may soon offer an even more potent version of the sandwich, Hoagizine CM, which contains 10 grams of chipotle mayonnaise.

Consumer interest in the new Turkey-Bacon-Guacamole Melt is high. Physicians filled thousands of sandwich prescriptions within 24 hours after it was made available.

"I guess I'm not the only one who finds regular sandwiches ineffective," said Rock Falls, ID resident Lois Baird, as she sat in her physician's waiting room. "Frankly, I'd just about given up on bread-and-meat treatments, but if this sandwich is going to help me eat a better, tastier lunch, I want it."

Baird added: "I just hope it's okay to mix Hoagizine with the broad-spectrum soup I currently take at noon."

Although most insurance companies cover prescriptions for the Turkey-Bacon-Guacamole Melt, many physicians recommend that their patients stick to over-the-lunch-counter sandwiches.

A doctor's order for the Turkey-Bacon-Guacamole Melt.

"Hoagizine is a powerfully delicious sandwich," said Dr. Erin O'Malley, chief nutritionist at Cedars-Sinai in Los Angeles. "And there's the problem: It's overkill. Commercially available, high-quality sandwiches are delicious enough for 95 percent of the patients I see. Additionally, those patients who do actually require the extra zest and deliciousness of this medical-grade melt run the risk of becoming addicted to its scrumptious flavor. I consider the sandwich to be an emergency lunch option, for use only when everything on the menu looks so blah that it threatens to ruin your entire day."

Pfizer officials said the Turkey-Bacon-Guacamole Melt comes with some warnings, but that it poses few health risks and, for the most part, is made of all-natural ingredients. Those who are overweight, diabetic, or allergic to wheat or dairy, or have a history of heart disease are urged to seek medical counseling before ordering the melt, and women who are pregnant may require a second dose of Hoagizine.

In Pfizer's lab tests, common side effects of the sandwich included a bloated or drowsy feeling, thirst, and a heightened desire for a side order of chips. If discomfort occurs, patients are urged to temporarily discontinue use of the Turkey-Bacon-Guacamole Melt and lie down on the couch.

"Side effects are certainly within the parameters established for commercially available lunch items," Spencer said. "The one thing we're concerned with is that, with regular use, the bacon and the guacamole could precipitate high cholesterol levels in some patients. But, hey, if your cholesterol does get a little high, that's why we make Lipitor."

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