City Maoist Visits Country Maoist

Top Headlines

Issue 4022

Diabetic 8-Year-Old Throws Worst Birthday Party Ever

CARRIZOZO, NM—The 8th birthday party for diabetes-afflicted Jason Keoner was allegedly "the worst ever," partygoers reported Monday. "The only treats we got were Fresca, Go Lightly sugar-free hard candy, and a carob-chip birthday cake," 7-year-old Kim Gavin said. "When we broke the piñata open, a bunch of dried cranberries fell out." Partygoers were allegedly traumatized when the magician's performance was interrupted so Keoner could receive his insulin shot.

Area Man Accidentally Signs Up For AOL Latino

TOPEKA, KS—Jim Bauer, 34, accidentally signed up for AOL Latino, the sales clerk reported Monday. "The sign-up had all these steps, and I guess I just started clicking 'yes' and 'I agree,'" Bauer said. "Before I knew it, I was enrolled in some weird, alternate world where I couldn't read and didn't recognize any of the pop stars in the photos." Bauer, who doesn't speak Spanish, said he'll switch over to "regular AOL" soon, but for the time being, he can basically tell what "¡Tienes correo!" means.

Local Hamburger To Star In National Ad

KANKAKEE, IL—Local citizens are abuzz with the news that a local Angus beef hamburger will be featured in a national Weber gas-grill TV commercial that begins airing Monday. "We are all just so proud," Kankakee Mayor Donald Green said of the burger, which appears seated on a seeded bun and dressed with ketchup, pickles, lettuce, and a slice of tomato. "We've had some great sandwiches in this town, but none have gotten this kind of recognition. All of us who knew the burger had a hunch it was going to go on to great things." According to Green, the burger's talent agent is currently negotiating details for the burger's inclusion in a diner scene in an upcoming Will Ferrell movie.

Tornado Safety

Spring is tornado season. The National Weather Service recommends taking these safety measures:
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


Fantasy Sports

City Maoist Visits Country Maoist

WUHAN, CHINA—City Maoist Xing Zhen Shengde returned Monday from a visit to Dunyang, where his country Maoist cousin Ni Yuxian resides. "The great Chairman Mao said we would build a socialist society based on agriculture and peasant farming, and that the peasant had the strength of the mountain and the wind in the trees," the urbane Marxist-Leninist reported Tuesday. "Nevertheless, I did not enjoy eating the rotting pig heads that pass for food in that hell-on-earth. Also, all of the peasants wore sandals." Ni said he understands that sturdy shoes must indeed be needed for escaping the muggers and prostitutes on every street corner in Wuhan.