Child 'Very Sorry' For Slapping Teddy Bear

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Issue 4028

Noisy Upstairs Neighbors Wake Man At 3 P.M.

SAN LUIS OBISPO, CA—The inconsiderate residents of the apartment above Jim Bracker, 23, woke him from a sound slumber several minutes before 3 p.m. Monday. "Christ, quit with the aerobics already," a groggy Bracker shouted toward the ceiling. "You've been jumping up and down for half an hour!" Unable to return to sleep, Bracker resigned himself to channel-surfing until he was forced to drag himself into the shower and ready himself to meet a friend for a 5:15 p.m. movie.

Girl Slept With For Her Sake

TULSA, OK—University of Tulsa sophomore Ben Stoll was gracious enough to sleep with third-year law student Rosie Andriessen Monday. "Rosie had been acting insecure and needy all evening, so I figured I'd help her out a bit," said Stoll, who met Andriessen last year through common friends. "She probably thinks she's too chubby. It must be a big boost for her to have sex with a guy like me." Stoll decided not to call Andriessen the next day, nor to return any calls she might make, so as not to get her hopes up.

Why No One Want Make Hulk 2?

X2 come out last year. Spider-Man 2 come out last month. Both great sequels to great movies about Hulk friends. Hulk love great action movies about friends! People buy tickets. Make money for theaters, make money for movie company. Movie company make more movies with money. Already, they working on X-Men 3. Hulk movie come out last year. It success. It big popcorn movie with heart. So why no one want make Hulk 2? It make Hulk mad!
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


College Freshman Decides To Be Lanyard-Wearing Kind

ANN ARBOR, MI—Emphasizing that this was not a choice he had made lightly, University of Michigan student Kevin Peterson told reporters Thursday that he had officially decided to become one of the lanyard-wearing kind of freshmen.


  • ‘Our Town’ Cast Party Going Off The Rails

    PEEKSKILL, NY—Describing a wild scene in which performers and stagehands were loudly conversing, laughing, and occasionally breaking back into their characters from the play, sources confirmed Sunday night that the cast party for the local production of Our Town is currently going off the rails.

Child 'Very Sorry' For Slapping Teddy Bear

CARY, NC—Arthur Hollis, 8, delivered a heartfelt apology to his favorite, most-special teddy bear, Raymond, after slapping him across the face and knocking him off the bed Monday. "I don't know why I do it, Raymond," Hollis said to the stuffed bear as he cradled it in his arms. "I'm very sorry. I'll never do it again, I promise." Hollis' father Daniel reported that his son has a history of domestic toy violence, harassment of the family cats, and wild outbursts after consuming too many gummi bears.