Employee's Loyalty Garners CEO's Contempt

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Issue 4032

Black Guy Doesn't Talk About All The Times He Didn't Get Discriminated Against

DETROIT, MI—Renald Boyd, 27, of course doesn't mention all the times he wasn't discriminated against, sources reported Tuesday. "I had the lease all set up through an agent," Boyd said. "But then, when I went in to sign it, the landlord suddenly started acting all weird and said he had to run out for a minute. We sat there for an hour before the agent got him on the phone, at which point the landlord said he was looking for a 'quieter type.' This country is insane." Boyd naturally failed to mention that the real-estate agent worked with him with no hesitation, and that the taxi he took away from the real-estate agency was only the second one that he'd attempted to hail.

Man Miscast In Role of Father

BECKLEY, WV—Critics, social workers, and peers agreed Monday that Michael Jans was horribly miscast as the father of 5-year-old Tyler Beecham. "Michael would be great playing the drunken buddy, or the deadbeat brother who can't hold down a job, but he's just not very believable as Daddy," ex-girlfriend Karen Beecham said. "I had hoped Michael would grow into the role, but I'm rethinking that idea. It's a very demanding part, and I need someone who can do it without a lot of direction." Beecham will begin re-casting the father role at Scooter's Pub on Thursday at 8 p.m.

Junior Building Inspector Closes Down Tree House

BLOOMINGTON, IN—Junior building inspector Thomas Spengler, 8, ordered the closure of a tree house owned by Jimmy Herman Monday. "The tree house will remain closed until improvements are made to its structure," Spengler said. "The rope ladder leading up to the house needs to be brought into compliance with local building codes. Also, the structural integrity of the clubhouse, wedged as it is into Old Man Kessler's oak tree, is compromised by the hastily added lookout post." Spengler threatened to close the tree house permanently should Herman fail to bring its tire swing up to code.

Things Are Starting To Turn Around

Hola, amigos. How's every little thing? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've barely had a chance to catch my breath these days. Ron hooked me up with a job at the carbonics plant where he works. For a while, I was the guy that cut blocks of dry ice. It was all right, but I didn't know Ron was gonna be my supervisor. I was able to put up with that for about two seconds before I stopped showing up. There's no way that mallethead is going to tell me what to do. He even wrote me up for being late.

Kerry Unveils One-Point Plan For Better America

WICHITA, KS—Delivering the central speech of his 10-day "Solution For America" bus campaign tour Monday, Democratic presidential nominee Sen. John Kerry outlined his one-point plan for a better America: the removal of George W. Bush from the White House.

Al-Qaeda Chatter Deteriorates Into Gossip

WASHINGTON, DC—Terrorist chatter about a possible al-Qaeda attack against the U.S. deteriorated into gossip Monday, according to top federal intelligence officials. "We intercepted a phone call in which two al-Qaeda operatives were discussing plans to conduct reconnaissance missions at certain U.S. landmarks," CIA operative Tim Huber said. "But the conversation quickly devolved into a 20-minute discussion of what someone named Majida Sa'doon was doing at Kanebi Hadi Hameeb's home at sunrise." Huber added that the gossip is a "definite improvement" over the glut of small talk about recipes, children, and goats that dominated conversation at this time last year.

Where Are You Now, When We Need You Most, Rage Against The Machine?

For nearly 10 years, Rage Against The Machine provided a voice for the disaffected, the disenfranchised, and the angry. Blending punk, pop, hip-hop, metal, and thrash, their music fought corporate America, cultural imperialism, and government oppression head on during a time when most of America was lulled into a Clinton-induced torpor. When Rage Against The Machine's cry for justice was amplified by a major-label debut in 1992, hundreds of thousands of American youths turned to them for guidance. Over the course of eight years, Rage released three original albums and one covers album, each a new and varied challenge, a 60-minute call to arms, a soul cry for the low and lost.

Area Seventh-Grader Now A Woman

DURHAM, NH—Friends, family members, and teachers close to former little girl Sally Erhardt report that the seventh-grader is now a woman, due to a physical change that occurred in the Durham West Middle School girls' restroom Monday.

U.S. Military Clears A-Team Of Charges

WASHINGTON, DC—After more than 30 years spent hiding in the Los Angeles underground as wanted criminals, the members of the crack commando unit Alpha Team, commonly known as the A-Team, were cleared of all charges brought against them by the U.S. military, an army official announced Monday.
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Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year.

Employee's Loyalty Garners CEO's Contempt

NEW YORK—Associate account manager Henry Keel's devotion to Wegman Financial Corp. fills CEO Roger K. Scarvon with contempt, Scarvon said Tuesday. "I can't imagine spending 23 years at one firm with nothing more to show for it than a position in middle-management," said Scarvon, who has been an executive at seven different companies since 1994. "Really, he might as well just paint the word 'sucker' on his forehead." Scarvon said Keel will pay for his steadfast loyalty when he loses his job and pension after Wegman Financial is "gutted and resold" in June 2005.