Who Do You Think You Are—Former New Orleans Saints Linebacker Pat Swilling?

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Issue 4033

Waiting-Room Copy Of People Brings Area Man Up To Speed On Paris Hilton

TULSA, OK—While waiting to see dermatologist Rawson Meyers, Randy Slocum was "brought up to speed" on the life of Paris Hilton by an Aug. 9 issue of People magazine Monday. "I never quite knew what Paris Hilton did, besides get some home-sex tape put on the Internet," Slocum said during the 18 minutes he spent waiting to have a benign mole removed. "Well, it turns out she wrapped up a second season of The Simple Life, this TV show she does with Lionel Richie's daughter. And she was dating some guy named Nick Carter, but they broke up." An article about Jessica Simpson also cleared up Slocum's previous assumption that Hilton starred in the MTV reality show Newlyweds.

Girlfriend Acting All Clingy After Getting Pregnant

TUCSON, AZ—Human-resources manager Dave Buckner, 27, said Monday that longtime girlfriend Janice Feener, 24, has been "a lot more clingy" ever since July, when she learned she was pregnant with his child. "All of a sudden, she's saying 'I love you' six times a day and wants to sit around hugging on the couch all night," Buckner said. "I'm not sure what's gotten into her, but it's getting really annoying." Buckner added that there's no way he can stand six and a half more months of Feener's behavior, and is considering buying her a puppy to keep her company.

Personal Life A Total Waste Of Time

ALTOONA, PA—Stockbroker Donald Guy, 38, announced Monday that his non-work life is "a complete waste of time." "I spent the weekend reading, watching movies, and visiting friends." Guy said. "I didn't get a damn thing done." He added that he might have gotten more accomplished Sunday had he not been burdened with the need to go swimming with his wife and children.

State Bird Reconsidered After Latest Wren Attack

COLUMBIA, SC—Gov. Mark Sanford spoke out Monday in favor of changing his state's bird from the Carolina wren to "anything else" following the ninth unprovoked wren attack this year. "In light of last week's events, I strongly feel the wren is no longer a good representative for the state of South Carolina," Sanford said, referring to Friday's tragic dive-bombing and pecking incident at a Myrtle Beach preschool. "Maybe it's time we recognize one of our more docile birds, like the robin or the magnolia warbler." Sanford advised anyone hearing the wren's cries of "tea-kettle, tea-kettle" to run for cover immediately.

Republicans Outraged By Inaccuracies In Metallica Documentary

WASHINGTON, DC—Republican congressmen lambasted the documentary Metallica: Some Kind Of Monster for its "gross inaccuracies and fabrications" Monday. "[Filmmakers] Joe Berlinger and Bruce Sinofsky are clearly biased," Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert said. "By editing together concert footage from three different mediocre shows, they have given the general public a false impression that Metallica still kicks ass." Hastert added that there is no hard evidence to support the film's argument that the album St. Anger has more thrashing riffs than Kill 'Em All.

Bush Finally Gets Oval Office Just The Way He Wants It

WASHINGTON, DC—After four different color schemes, a Tiki phase, and more than three years spent rearranging furniture, President Bush has the Oval Office set up just the way he wants it, the chief executive said in an informal press conference Monday.

Education Is Our Passport To The Something Or Other

I once spoke to a couple who arrived in the U.S. as political refugees. They were poor, hungry, without friends, and of very limited resources, and yet they spent close to 70 percent of their income on the education of their son. I asked them why, and I'll never forget what they said. "People can take your house, your car, and your clothes. They can take away your family, your liberty, and even your life. But they can never—something about education."
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Who Do You Think You Are—Former New Orleans Saints Linebacker Pat Swilling?

Ryan Fleishmann
Ryan Fleishmann

Okay, Gerald, I've heard about as much out of you as I can take. All I get from you lately is eye-rolling and swaggering, like you're too good for the mere mortals of Mercury Insurance.You act like you're doing us a favor just showing up. Who do you think you are—former New Orleans Saints linebacker Pat Swilling?

Judging by your attitude alone, I'd say you were a 6'3", 250-pound linebacker out of Georgia Tech. Seriously, if I didn't know better, I'd think the Saints took you in the third round of the 1986 draft because they knew you'd improve their pass rush on the outside and complement little big man Sam Mills. Not so fast, touchdown. I do know better.

You sashay around the place like you're third on the New Orleans all-time sack list with 78. If someone says something you disagree with, you act for all the world like you averaged 11.5 sacks a year from 1987 to 1993. "What, me? I'm just Pat Swilling, 1989 NFL Defensive Player of the Year. I once held Georgia Tech's record for career sacks with 23." That's you.

Listen to me, Gerald. I'm not the only one who's had it with your Pat Swilling bullshit. People are talking—you know how many people want to work with someone who acts like he's a record-holder for career sacks? Zero.

Do you think posting above-average sales numbers for two months means you are a versatile, savvy defensive player with excellent lateral motion? It's a rhetorical question, Swilling—you don't need to answer it. I feel like I'm talking to someone whose football instincts let him perform effectively as both a linebacker and a defensive end, here. Jesus. You are not former New Orleans Saints linebacker Pat Swilling, and it's high time you stopped leaning back in your chair and twirling your pen around during the Friday wrap-up meeting.

You're valuable here at Mercury, but not so valuable that, say, we couldn't trade you to the Detroit Lions in 1993 for first- and fourth-round picks. You can treat your friends like you went to five straight Pro Bowls, but the second you come in here, to my department, to my office, you'd better wipe that "an impressive five Pro Bowls in a row" look off your face. Do you understand me? I won't take this linebacker attitude any longer. Is that clear?

Because right now, I don't see a guy who understands. I don't see a guy who says, "I want to get along." I see a guy who says, "I'm one of three New Orleans players who achieved four sacks in one game." This is you: "Even toward the end of my career, I still had six sacks in a 20-tackle season!"

I'm not getting through to you at all, am I? This is all going in one ear and out the other. Even now, you're treating this whole thing like you're going to retire from football after the 1998 season, run for the Louisiana House of Representatives as a popular Democrat, and win the seat by a wide margin.

Fine. Be that way, Mr. 14th on the all-time quarterback sack list. Just don't do it in my office. Get out, and don't come back until you can act a little more like former Buffalo Bills defensive end Bryce Paup.