Bush Campaign More Thought Out Than Iraq War

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Issue 4036

Local Child Amuses Café—But For How Long?

TIGARD, OR—Although 4-year-old Mia Benson is currently amusing everyone at The Sundial Café, employee Kelli Doon wondered Monday how much longer patrons might be tolerant of her childish antics. "Yes, it was very cute when [Benson] was running around making choo-choo-train sounds," Doon said, wiping the counter with a rag, her eyes trained on Benson. "And everyone laughed when she asked that stranger if she could have his cookie. But really, she's been demanding everyone's attention for, like, 15 minutes. Is it time to step in?" Doon said she plans to move closer to the milk carafes, to better ascertain whether she should intervene.

Assistant Manager Accused Of Sexual Indiscrimination

PLAINS, GA—Female employees at Peachtree Financial filed a joint complaint against assistant manager Dean Marchand Monday for repeated acts of sexual indiscrimination in the workplace. "Dean is willing to sleep with anyone who propositions him," human-resources manager Jan Harris said. "Whether it's Kelly, that pretty blonde from sales, or Marta, that grouchy skank in accounting, Dean doesn't seem to care." Harris added that Marchand is a smart, nice, well-dressed guy who should hold himself to higher standards.

Vacationing Man Misses Own Remote Control

NEW YORK—Dale Herring, on vacation from Wichita, KS, admitted Monday that he missed his TV remote control. "At first, I was taken with the hotel's remote, and the sheer number of buttons—not to mention the breathtaking view of the on-screen menu guide," Herring said. "But the truth is, I can't wait to get back to the simplicity and familiarity of my own clicker." Herring added that he'll definitely go see the Empire State Building the next time he visits New York.

Six-Hour Bus Ride Endured For Slots

I-95, NJ—Baltimore resident Gary Drake, 53, endured a six-hour bus ride from Baltimore to Atlantic City Tuesday, drawn by the prospect of feeding coins into a slot machine at a dimly lit casino.

Budget Airline Perks

The American budget-airline business is booming. What perks do some of the low-cost carriers offer?

Absolute Cute

I just had a major idea, and I want to write it down and get it out there before I begin to second-guess it. So here goes:

I'm Getting Pretty Good At Masturbating

If you don't mind, I'd like to bring up a sensitive subject. Some people call it jacking off, or jerking off, or a lot of other things, but I just call it masturbating. And while there's always room for improvement, I have to say that I'm pretty good at it.

Hundreds Of Republicans Injured In Rush To Discredit Kerry

WASHINGTON, DC—George Washington Memorial Hospital is struggling to deal with an influx of Republicans with concussions, broken bones, and internal injuries suffered during the recent stampede to discredit Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry, emergency-room personnel reported Monday.

Terry Gilliam Barbecue Plagued By Production Delays

LONDON—A backyard barbecue hosted by director Terry Gilliam was postponed again Sunday due to production delays. "I had a special grill flown in from Fiji, but it took three weeks to figure out how to light it," Gilliam said of the 20-foot, volcano-shaped propane grill he'd deemed integral to the Tiki-themed event. "Then, just when I had the menu hammered out, Johnny [Depp] got sick, and I had to push the date back again. See, the whole thing was for his birthday in June." In spite of the continued delays, party guest Elvis Mitchell predicted that the event will be "visually stunning" and "fun."

Comedian Given Sitcom Out Of Pity

BURBANK, CA—Now What?, an ABC sitcom making its debut next week, was created for struggling stand-up comic Warren Morris out of pity, sources at ABC Comedy Development said Monday.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Bush Campaign More Thought Out Than Iraq War

WASHINGTON, DC—Military and political strategists agreed Monday that President Bush's re-election campaign has been executed with greater precision than the war in Iraq. "Judging from the initial misrepresentation of intelligence data and the ongoing crisis in Najaf, I assumed the president didn't know his ass from his elbow," said Col. Dale Henderson, a military advisor during the Reagan Administration. "But on the campaign trail, he's proven himself a master of long-term planning and unflinching determination. How else can you explain his strength in the polls given this economy?" Henderson said he regrets having characterized Bush's handling of the war as "incompetent," now that he knows the president's mind was simply otherwise occupied.