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Cheney Vows To Attack U.S. If Kerry Elected

• Fat Roommate Travels All The Way To Tennessee Just To Fuck Some Girl

  ISSUE 40•41 | 10.13.04 | News

  MINNEAPOLIS—Overweight 26-year-old Michael Paulson bid a temporary farewell to the apartment he shares with three friends Monday, in order to make a 900-mile bus trip to Memphis, TN "just to fuck some girl," his roommates reported. more»

  

• Long-Lost Jules Verne Short Story 'The Camera-Phone' Found

  ISSUE 40•41 | 10.13.04 | News

  AMIENS, FRANCE—Literary scholars announced Monday that they have unearthed a 33-page handwritten manuscript of "The Camera-Phone," a short story believed to have been written in 1874 by French novelist Jules Verne, the man often considered to be the originator of modern science fiction. more»

  

• Latino Community Empowered By Coke Commercial

  ISSUE 40•41 | 10.13.04 | News

  LOS ANGELES—A Coca-Cola commercial celebrating Latin American culture made its debut on several major networks last week, empowering and uplifting Latinos nationwide, sources reported Monday. more»

  

• Dog Experiences Best Day Of His Life For 400th Consecutive Day

  ISSUE 40•41 | 10.13.04 | News in Brief

  SANTEE, CA—Family dog Loki experienced the best day of his life for the 400th straight day Monday, the black Labrador retriever reported. "I got to go outside! I got to sniff the bush!" Loki said, wagging excitedly. "I saw a squirrel and I barked at it and it ran up the tree! Then I came back inside, and the smoky-smelling tall man let me have a little piece of bacon and then I drank from the toilet!" Loki will experience the best day of his life once again tomorrow, when he digs a hole, chews on a slipper, and almost catches his tail. more»

• World Bank Forecloses On World Farm

  ISSUE 40•41 | 10.13.04 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON, DC—Following years of threats, the World Bank foreclosed on the World Farm, a 64,000-square-mile plot of arable land in Dodoma, Tanzania that provides wheat, cattle, and goats to much of the Eastern Hemisphere. "This farm has been in my family since Zanzibar was a British protectorate," World Farmer Mwana "Clem" Mazooka said Monday, angrily waving a pitchfork. "I'll be damned if I let some world-city creditors get their grubby hands on it." In spite of Mazooka's protests, World Bank representatives said the World Farm Auction will take place on Oct. 24. more»

• Pringles Level At Six Inches And Falling

  ISSUE 40•41 | 10.13.04 | News in Brief

  CINCINNATI—Snack experts warned Monday at 9:15 p.m. that the Pringles level within the Cody household had dipped to a dangerously low six inches and showed no signs of leveling off. "If the depletion of the Pizzalicious Pringles sitting on the couch does not slow, the supply may dip to a fraction of an inch before the end of Everybody Loves Raymond," said Carla Cody, who had been monitoring the potato-crisp reserve since 7 p.m. "It is crucial that we explore such alternative snack sources as Goldfish crackers." Cody then moved the can to the kitchen as a stop-gap measure. more»

• Boilermakers Protest Purdue's Mascot

  ISSUE 40•41 | 10.13.04 | News in Brief

  WEST LAFAYETTE, IN—More than 200 members of the International Brotherhood of Boilermakers picketed outside Ross-Ade Stadium Monday, protesting what they characterized as Purdue University's insensitive use of a boilermaker as a mascot. "We have worked too hard forging America's boilers to endure one-dimensional stereotypes like Purdue Pete," union president Newton B. Jones said. "Pete may be muscular and sensibly wearing a hardhat, but the hammer he brandishes serves as an ugly reminder of isolated instances of violence in the boilermakers' otherwise proud history." A similar controversy erupted in 2003, when a University of North Carolina football game was interrupted by 35 protesters afflicted with congenitally tarred heels. more»

• George Foreman Grill Retires To Promote Own Grill

  ISSUE 43•52 ISSUE 40•41 | 10.13.04 | News in Brief

  HOUSTON—The George Foreman Grill announced Monday that it will retire in order to promote its own patented line of fat-reducing grills. "The George Foreman Grill has enjoyed a long and rewarding career as a kitchen appliance, but now it wants to get out of the rat race," the grill's publicist, Nate Harbert, said Monday. "From now on, the grill will be doing what it loves most: helping people live healthier lives via its infomercial for the George Foreman Lean Mean Fat-Reducing Grilling Machine's Fat-Reducing Grilling Machine." Harbert said the George Foreman Grill will also spend more time doing charity work. more»

• The Pope's Beatifications

  ISSUE 40•41 | 10.13.04 | Infographic

  Pope John Paul II beatified five people last week, among them a German mystic whose violent visions of Christ's suffering inspired Mel Gibson's The Passion Of The Christ. Who is the Pope planning to beatify next? more»

  

• Horoscope for the week of October 13, 2004

  ISSUE 40•41 | 10.13.04 | Horoscope

  Your lack of life experience will become apparent this week when you propose a new ice-cream flavor based on the smooth, subtle taste of the vanilla bean. more»

• Why Are We Up At 4 a.m.?

  ISSUE 40•41 | 10.13.04 | Statshot

  

• That One Chinese Place Closes

  ISSUE 40•41 | 10.13.04 | News in Photos

  

• Baby Takes Political Stance

  ISSUE 40•41 | 10.13.04 | News in Photos

  

• It's Hard When A Close Relative Of Somebody You Pretend To Like Dies

  ISSUE 40•41 | 10.13.04 | Commentary

  When I saw Laura rush out of the office with her coat over her arm one day last month, I assumed she was on her way to an impromptu showing. But then our branch manager Tom gathered us in the conference room and told us that Laura had just received a phone call from her father. Her younger sister Edie, the blonde woman from the hiking photo on her screensaver, had been in a car crash. Just like everyone here at the Farthing Lane branch of Steamboat Realty, I was shocked to the core. It's hard when a close relative of somebody you pretend to like dies so suddenly. more»

• You Want To See Some Goddamn Optimism?

  ISSUE 40•41 | 10.13.04 | Commentary

  Thank you! more»

• October 4, 1951

  ISSUE 40•41 | 10.13.04 | History

  

• Apartment-Hunting Tips

  ISSUE 40•41 | 10.13.04 | Tips

  Hunting for an apartment is hard work, but here are some pointers to help you find your perfect living space: more»

  

• U.N. To Look For Genocide In Darfur

  ISSUE 40•41 | 10.13.04 | American Voices

  Last week, U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan set up a commission to determine whether genocide has taken place in the Darfur region of Sudan. What do you think? more»

• Glee Club Depressed, Angry

• Sector Five Breached