The Pope's Beatifications

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Issue 4041

Boilermakers Protest Purdue's Mascot

WEST LAFAYETTE, IN—More than 200 members of the International Brotherhood of Boilermakers picketed outside Ross-Ade Stadium Monday, protesting what they characterized as Purdue University's insensitive use of a boilermaker as a mascot. "We have worked too hard forging America's boilers to endure one-dimensional stereotypes like Purdue Pete," union president Newton B. Jones said. "Pete may be muscular and sensibly wearing a hardhat, but the hammer he brandishes serves as an ugly reminder of isolated instances of violence in the boilermakers' otherwise proud history." A similar controversy erupted in 2003, when a University of North Carolina football game was interrupted by 35 protesters afflicted with congenitally tarred heels.

Pringles Level At Six Inches And Falling

CINCINNATI—Snack experts warned Monday at 9:15 p.m. that the Pringles level within the Cody household had dipped to a dangerously low six inches and showed no signs of leveling off. "If the depletion of the Pizzalicious Pringles sitting on the couch does not slow, the supply may dip to a fraction of an inch before the end of Everybody Loves Raymond," said Carla Cody, who had been monitoring the potato-crisp reserve since 7 p.m. "It is crucial that we explore such alternative snack sources as Goldfish crackers." Cody then moved the can to the kitchen as a stop-gap measure.

World Bank Forecloses On World Farm

WASHINGTON, DC—Following years of threats, the World Bank foreclosed on the World Farm, a 64,000-square-mile plot of arable land in Dodoma, Tanzania that provides wheat, cattle, and goats to much of the Eastern Hemisphere. "This farm has been in my family since Zanzibar was a British protectorate," World Farmer Mwana "Clem" Mazooka said Monday, angrily waving a pitchfork. "I'll be damned if I let some world-city creditors get their grubby hands on it." In spite of Mazooka's protests, World Bank representatives said the World Farm Auction will take place on Oct. 24.

Apartment-Hunting Tips

Hunting for an apartment is hard work, but here are some pointers to help you find your perfect living space:
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Report: One In Three Americans Will Get Dessert If Someone Else Does

WASHINGTON—Noting that many of those surveyed reported feeling kind of full but could “probably make room” for ice cream or pie, a report published Thursday by the Pew Research Center found that nearly a third of Americans would be willing to get dessert if someone else does.

The Pope's Beatifications

Pope John Paul II beatified five people last week, among them a German mystic whose violent visions of Christ's suffering inspired Mel Gibson's The Passion Of The Christ. Who is the Pope planning to beatify next?
Pope John Paul II beatified five people last week, among them a German mystic whose violent visions of Christ's suffering inspired Mel Gibson's The Passion Of The Christ. Who is the Pope planning to beatify next?

Pope John Paul II beatified five people last week, among them a German mystic whose violent visions of Christ's suffering inspired Mel Gibson's The Passion Of The Christ. Who is the Pope planning to beatify next?