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The Pope's Beatifications

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Issue 4041

Boilermakers Protest Purdue's Mascot

WEST LAFAYETTE, IN—More than 200 members of the International Brotherhood of Boilermakers picketed outside Ross-Ade Stadium Monday, protesting what they characterized as Purdue University's insensitive use of a boilermaker as a mascot. "We have worked too hard forging America's boilers to endure one-dimensional stereotypes like Purdue Pete," union president Newton B. Jones said. "Pete may be muscular and sensibly wearing a hardhat, but the hammer he brandishes serves as an ugly reminder of isolated instances of violence in the boilermakers' otherwise proud history." A similar controversy erupted in 2003, when a University of North Carolina football game was interrupted by 35 protesters afflicted with congenitally tarred heels.

Pringles Level At Six Inches And Falling

CINCINNATI—Snack experts warned Monday at 9:15 p.m. that the Pringles level within the Cody household had dipped to a dangerously low six inches and showed no signs of leveling off. "If the depletion of the Pizzalicious Pringles sitting on the couch does not slow, the supply may dip to a fraction of an inch before the end of Everybody Loves Raymond," said Carla Cody, who had been monitoring the potato-crisp reserve since 7 p.m. "It is crucial that we explore such alternative snack sources as Goldfish crackers." Cody then moved the can to the kitchen as a stop-gap measure.

World Bank Forecloses On World Farm

WASHINGTON, DC—Following years of threats, the World Bank foreclosed on the World Farm, a 64,000-square-mile plot of arable land in Dodoma, Tanzania that provides wheat, cattle, and goats to much of the Eastern Hemisphere. "This farm has been in my family since Zanzibar was a British protectorate," World Farmer Mwana "Clem" Mazooka said Monday, angrily waving a pitchfork. "I'll be damned if I let some world-city creditors get their grubby hands on it." In spite of Mazooka's protests, World Bank representatives said the World Farm Auction will take place on Oct. 24.

Apartment-Hunting Tips

Hunting for an apartment is hard work, but here are some pointers to help you find your perfect living space:

Latino Community Empowered By Coke Commercial

LOS ANGELES—A Coca-Cola commercial celebrating Latin American culture made its debut on several major networks last week, empowering and uplifting Latinos nationwide, sources reported Monday.

Long-Lost Jules Verne Short Story 'The Camera-Phone' Found

AMIENS, FRANCE—Literary scholars announced Monday that they have unearthed a 33-page handwritten manuscript of "The Camera-Phone," a short story believed to have been written in 1874 by French novelist Jules Verne, the man often considered to be the originator of modern science fiction.

It's Hard When A Close Relative Of Somebody You Pretend To Like Dies

When I saw Laura rush out of the office with her coat over her arm one day last month, I assumed she was on her way to an impromptu showing. But then our branch manager Tom gathered us in the conference room and told us that Laura had just received a phone call from her father. Her younger sister Edie, the blonde woman from the hiking photo on her screensaver, had been in a car crash. Just like everyone here at the Farthing Lane branch of Steamboat Realty, I was shocked to the core. It's hard when a close relative of somebody you pretend to like dies so suddenly.

Dog Experiences Best Day Of His Life For 400th Consecutive Day

SANTEE, CA—Family dog Loki experienced the best day of his life for the 400th straight day Monday, the black Labrador retriever reported. "I got to go outside! I got to sniff the bush!" Loki said, wagging excitedly. "I saw a squirrel and I barked at it and it ran up the tree! Then I came back inside, and the smoky-smelling tall man let me have a little piece of bacon and then I drank from the toilet!" Loki will experience the best day of his life once again tomorrow, when he digs a hole, chews on a slipper, and almost catches his tail.

Cheney Vows To Attack U.S. If Kerry Elected

GREENSBORO, NC—In an announcement that has alarmed voters across the nation, Vice President Dick Cheney said Monday that he will personally attack the U.S. if Sen. John Kerry wins the next election.
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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

The Pope's Beatifications

Pope John Paul II beatified five people last week, among them a German mystic whose violent visions of Christ's suffering inspired Mel Gibson's The Passion Of The Christ. Who is the Pope planning to beatify next?
Pope John Paul II beatified five people last week, among them a German mystic whose violent visions of Christ's suffering inspired Mel Gibson's The Passion Of The Christ. Who is the Pope planning to beatify next?

Pope John Paul II beatified five people last week, among them a German mystic whose violent visions of Christ's suffering inspired Mel Gibson's The Passion Of The Christ. Who is the Pope planning to beatify next?