Man Gets All The Way To Hospital Just To Find Out Wife Will Be Fine

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Issue 4048

Party Host Proudly Informs Guests They're Eating Shark

MANKATO, MN—At a dinner party Monday, host Jeanette Rojahn, 44, announced with great pride that the main course she was serving was shark. "Can you guess what you're eating? It's shark!" Rojahn said to her seven dinner guests, who collectively muttered forced exclamations of surprise. "I know, can you believe it? It's actual shark! I saw it at the Market Basket, and I thought, 'What the heck! Let's try shark!'" Rojahn's guests last feigned excitement in August, when the hostess served cactus.

Beware The Kristina Applegate Curse!

Item! I've been researching one of my favorite actresses. You may know her as Kelly Bundy, but her real name is Kristina Applegate. She's always been a shining example of an acting triple threat: brains, beauty, and a great sense of humor. That's why I could hardly believe my discovery, but I checked and double-checked the evidence, and there was no denying the unsettling box-office phenomenon I christened The Kristina Applegate Curse. We little guys all think of Kristina as celebrity dynamite, but she's actually, at best, a firecracker. How do I know it? Let me set the scene. After seeing the underrated Surviving Christmas, I went on the Internet line, just to make sure I hadn't overlooked any of Kristina's work. What a surprise I was in for! It turns out I hadn't even scratched the surface. Her résumé read like a Top 10 list of flops. Surviving Christmas was a lump of coal, business-wise. Employee Of The Month? Never heard of it. View From The Top? Crashed on landing. All these movies had star power out the wazoo, so there was no reason they should've tanked. I double-checked the Harvey research, and sure enough, these movies all had one common element: Kristina.

Kids Using Drugs To Study

Studies show that more and more college students are abusing prescription ADHD drugs like Adderall and Ritalin to help them study. What do you think?

Trump Casinos Bankrupt

Last week, Donald Trump's casino empire filed for bankruptcy. What caused the company's crushing dept?

$25,000 Is Its Own Reward

I don't consider myself special. True, I helped bring a dangerous criminal to justice, but the attention I received doesn't matter to me. Call me a hero if you want, but I didn't do it for the praise. As far as I'm concerned, $25,000 is its own reward.

In Search Of A Better Life, Teen Moves Downstairs

DEERFIELD, IL—Like generations of teenagers before him, 16-year-old Eric Jankowski has pulled up stakes to seek a future in a distant land of opportunity and independence. Bravely facing the difficulties of a harsh new world, he placed his meager possessions on his back and made a journey of 70 feet in search of a better life downstairs.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Business

Man Gets All The Way To Hospital Just To Find Out Wife Will Be Fine

BRIDGEPORT, CT—Responding to a distressing message left on his voicemail, Martin Hermenson drove all the way across town to Bridgeport Hospital Saturday, only to learn that his wife Kara will be fine. "All I heard was 'Kara fell off a ladder,' so I left work and rushed right to the emergency room," Hermenson said. "I got there, and it turned out she'd fractured her fibula—no big deal at all. It wasn't like she was never going to walk again." Hermenson added that he didn't see why he had to waste perfectly good Knicks tickets that night, when Kara went straight to bed after getting home anyway.

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