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Local Woman's Life Looks Bearable In Scrapbook

• Authority Figures Call For Closing Of Area Roughhouse

  ISSUE 40•49 | 12.08.04 | News

  SEYMOUR, IN—Local authority figures and townspeople assembled Monday at Seymour Town Hall to call for the closure of the town's controversial roughhouse, alleging that it has caused countless scrapes, bumps, and bruises since it opened in 1986. more»

  

• Wal-Mart Announces Massive Rollback On Employee Wages

  ISSUE 40•49 | 12.08.04 | News

  BENTONVILLE, AR—Wal-Mart, the world's largest discount retailer, announced its biggest-ever rollback Monday, with employee pay cuts of up to 35 percent. more»

  

• World's Scientists Admit They Just Don't Like Mice

  ISSUE 40•49 | 12.08.04 | News

  ZURICH, SWITZERLAND—Scientists announced that experimentation on mice has been motivated out of sheer distaste for the rodents. more»

  

• Peterson Given Lifetime Channel Sentence

  ISSUE 40•49 | 12.08.04 | News in Brief

  REDWOOD CITY, CA—Scott Peterson, convicted in November of murdering his wife Laci and their unborn child, was issued a Lifetime Channel sentence during the penalty phase of his trial Monday. "Mr. Peterson's story shall be re-enacted in Lifetime movies and miniseries for a period of no less than 10 years," Judge Alfred Delucci told a packed courtroom Monday. "His story shall be remanded to Lifetime's custody until the network determines that public interest has waned sufficiently to allow airings on Oxygen." Delucci ordered that Peterson's team of lawyers be present for the casting. more»

• City To Issue Deep, Meaningful Municipal Bonds

  ISSUE 40•49 | 12.08.04 | News in Brief

  MODESTO, CA—The Modesto City Council announced Monday that it will issue deep, meaningful, general-obligation municipal bonds to any investor wishing to improve relations with the city. "My hope is that we can foster a closer, richer relationship with those who might provide us monies to improve Modesto's antiquated sewer system," Mayor Jim Ridenour said in an appeal to potential investors. "I promise—and this is coming right from the heart—if you stick with us through the long term, you will find yourself in a rewarding relationship with tax-exempt dividends." Ridenour added that bonds like his will need constant nurturing if they are to keep their Triple-A-rated status. more»

• Friend's Wife Reportedly Very Funny

  ISSUE 40•49 | 12.08.04 | News in Brief

  BILLINGS, MT—Accountant Carl Scoval told reporters Monday that, although he's heard that the wife of his coworker Tom Barton is hilarious, he's never had the opportunity to witness her sense of humor. "Tom is always saying how cool his wife Kim is, how she's always cracking these ironic jokes," Scoval said. "I guess she can cuss a blue streak, too. I don't know. Maybe someday I'll catch her in the act. Every time I've been around her, she's been pretty quiet." Scoval said he hears Kim can drink Barton under the table, as well. more»

• Bible Only Work Of Fiction In Family's Home

  ISSUE 40•49 | 12.08.04 | News in Brief

  LAWRENCE, KS—After a weekend visit to the home of Gloria and Ben Kirchbauer, nephew James Fenderman, 26, said Monday that he was unable to locate a single work of fiction in the house. "I just wanted something to read before bed, but all my aunt and uncle had was a row of Time-Life how-to books, Dr. Atkins' New Diet Revolution, a yearbook, and Sincerely, Andy Rooney," Fenderman said. "The only book with any narrative whatsoever was the Good News Bible." Fenderman said he finally settled for a March 1995 issue of Prevention magazine that he'd found on a shelf with his aunt's cookbooks. more»

• Complete Idiot Still Thinks Brittany Murphy Dating Jeff Kwatinetz

  ISSUE 40•49 | 12.08.04 | News in Brief

  CINCINNATI—Out-of-the-loop moron Karen Lenz stunned everyone within earshot Monday when she said Brittany Murphy was still dating Jeff Kwatinetz. "Isn't Brittany Murphy that teen star who's engaged to that agent?" said Lenz, who has apparently been in a coma since May 2004, when Kwatinetz and Murphy split. Sources close to the dumbbell said she's so retarded, she wasn't even aware that Murphy attended a guest screening of the film Bad Education last month, escorted by an anonymous hunk of arm candy. more»

• Dollar Low Against Euro

  ISSUE 40•49 | 12.08.04 | Infographic

  Last week, the U.S dollar dipped to a record low against the euro. What are the reasons for the currency's decline? more»

  

• Horoscope for the week of December 8, 2004

  ISSUE 40•49 | 12.08.04 | Horoscope

  Enjoy your position at the top of the food chain, because God is about to shake things up a little with the new Mountain Lion 2.0. more»

• How Can We Live With Ourselves?

  ISSUE 40•49 | 12.08.04 | Statshot

  

• Pet Winterized

  ISSUE 40•49 | 12.08.04 | News in Photos

  

• Bollywood Remake Of Fahrenheit 9/11 Criticizes Bush Administration Through Show-Stopping Musical Numbers

  ISSUE 40•49 | 12.08.04 | News in Photos

  

• What This Town Needs Is A Child In A Well

  ISSUE 40•49 | 12.08.04 | Commentary

  It seems like every house in this town has a fence, every door a lock. Our next-door neighbors have become strangers. We've lost touch with our friends. Our community's streets are safer than ever, but its residents have become isolated. We desperately need something to strengthen the common bonds that have weakened over time. If you ask me, what this town needs is a child in a well. more»

• Son, We Need To Talk About This Supreme Court Obsession Of Yours

  ISSUE 40•49 | 12.08.04 | Commentary

  Son, could you come in here for a second? Well, I'm sorry, but that newspaper's just going to have to wait, because we really need to talk. Son, your mother and I have been worried about you. Your grades have been slipping, you've been spending less time with your friends, and you've been shutting yourself in your room for hours at a time. Now, I know it may make you feel uncomfortable to talk about it, but this Supreme Court obsession of yours has become a problem. more»

• December 10, 1936

  ISSUE 40•49 | 12.08.04 | History

  

• Americans Marrying Later

  ISSUE 40•49 | 12.08.04 | American Voices

  Census Bureau figures for 2003 show that Americans are getting married later, with the average age for a first marriage having risen to 26. What do you think? more»

• High Times Web Page Cached