Nation's Leading Alarmists Excited About Bird Flu

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Issue 4105

Kool-Aid, Hi-C Make Backroom Deal To Destroy Tang

NORTHFIELD, IL—Executives for Kool-Aid and Hi-C met at an undisclosed location Monday to map out a plan to drive Tang out of business. "The tween market isn't big enough for three non-carbonated beverages," Kool-Aid CEO Robert Eckert told Hi-C executive Jason Frie. "Capri Sun and Sunny D play ball, but Tang won't budge. So we're gonna squeeze them so hard, even the astronauts won't drink it. Oh, yeah!" Bordon crushed out his cigarette and added, "I want you to stick it so deep in Tang's asshole, you make the Wyler's hit look like a movie date."

Immigrant Laborers Hired To Delete Spam

SAN DIEGO—Executives at Gortman Consulting are hiring immigrant day laborers to delete their junk e-mail. "Our employees were wasting hours of valuable time sifting through spam," Gortman CEO Donald Barris said Monday. "Finally, I was like, 'Eureka! Hire some low-cost Hispanic laborers to empty our Outlook Express trashcans.' Our IT van just swings by the docks in the morning and picks up a dozen or so guys." While Barris said the laborers are "happy for the work," labor-rights groups have complained that repeatedly pressing the delete key has caused numerous cases of carpal-tunnel syndrome among migrant spam removers.

Sex Life Embellished During Doctor Visit

DURANT, OK—During a routine physical Tuesday, Jason Gunder, 21, exaggerated his sexual exploits for the benefit of his physician, Dr. Stanley Pindel. "Unprotected intercourse? Sure, I have it all the time," Gunder said. "Partners? Thirty or something. I've had so many, I can't even remember." After nodding thoughtfully, Dr. Pindel told Gunder, "If you do actually ever have sex, please make sure to use a condom and a water-based spermicidal lubricant."

Son Attempts To Cultivate Parents' Interest In Better Movies

DOVER, DE—Marc Morehouse, 24, made another vain attempt to improve his parents' taste in movies Monday by taking them to see Sideways. "I know you guys thought Meet The Fockers sounded really funny, but maybe we should all give something a little different a try," Morehouse said to his parents Kirk and Doris as he bought three tickets at an area cineplex. "Dad, you like golf, right? And Mom drinks wine, so this movie is right up your alley. It'll be fun." After the show, Morehouse could not convince his parents to have dinner at a non-chain restaurant.

Jay-Z's Grandfather Busted With Trunk Full Of Canadian Prescription Drugs

BUFFALO, NY—Tyrone J. Carter, rap artist Jay-Z's 75-year-old grandfather, was arrested Monday for transporting prescription drugs across the Canadian border in the trunk of his 1998 Oldsmobile. "My grandson says I shouldn't have unlocked the trunk unless the cops had a warrant, but what's a man supposed to do?" said Carter, who was busted with more than $1,000 worth of pharmaceutical-grade Diovan, Lipitor, and Lanoxin. "Don't the police have anything better to do than hassle a sick old man? My insurance doesn't cover my pills anymore—I gotta get my heart medicine somewhere." The arresting officers said the pills had a U.S.-pharmacy value of nearly $18,000.

The Golden Globes Were A Golden Time!

Item! The Golden Globes recently took place, answering the question "Who will the foreign press honor this year?" Well, how's Hillary Duff for starters? She won Best Actress for A Million Dollar Smile, where she plays a boxer. She sure did grow up fast! Meanwhile, Jamie Fox won Best Black Actor, and rightly so. His speech alone was worth the award! From a Jackie to a Jamie: Way to go!

Dress-Up Doll Born To Area Couple

NEW YORK—Two years ago, Manhattan married couple Ron Garver and Becky Meyers weren't sure they were cut out for parenting. They worked long hours, had a thriving social life, and their East Village apartment was small and cramped. But 24 months and 73 outfits later, Garver and Meyers are the proud parents of a 10-month-old dress-up doll.

Google In 2005

Google recently introduced Google Video, which allows users to search closed captioning for text and screen images taken from television shows. What does Google plan to do next?
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Nation's Leading Alarmists Excited About Bird Flu

WASHINGTON, DC—The avian influenza virus, a mutant flu strain that has claimed the lives of 31 people in Eastern Asia since it was first observed passing from birds to humans in 1997, has the nation's foremost alarmists extremely agitated.

Representatives from the Alarmist Council.

"Right now, the bird flu is just a blip in the newspapers, but if the avian influenza virus undergoes antigenic shift with a human influenza virus, the resulting subtype could be highly contagious and highly lethal in humans," Matthew Wexler, the president of the National Alarmist Council and one of the nation's leading fear mongers, said Monday. "My professional opinion, and more importantly, my personal belief, is that this is a cause for great national alarm."

Wexler's sentiments were unanimously upheld by members of the alarmist community.

"The bird flu could cause a global influenza pandemic similar to the Spanish Flu that killed more than 20 million people in 1918," medical alarmist Dr. Preston Douglas said. "Many experts also believe a major global flu outbreak to be imminent, if not—God forbid—already underway. Why, recent observation and documentation has recorded at least one case of human-to-human transmission of a rare strain of the avian influenza virus. If this one case is proof that the animal virus is mutating into a contagious, lethal human virus, then the entire world is basically doomed. Doomed!"

Douglas is best known for his brilliant alarmist analyses of flesh-eating bacteria, Ebola, and SARS—all of which he successfully developed into topics of major international trepidation.

Bird flu was first identified as a strain of infectious influenza in Italy in the early 1900s. Of the 15 subtypes, only subtypes H5 and H7 are known to be capable of crossing the species barrier from birds to humans. The first human outbreak, which occurred in Hong Kong in 1997, killed four people. Since then, the bird flu has remained a relatively minor virus, killing fewer individuals than common-cold variants. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have issued neither an epidemic warning nor a public-health alert in connection with bird flu.

According to leading alarmists, the CDC's lack of immediate concern is a cause for alarm.

"So, basically, the CDC doesn't have the first inkling of what to do about a potentially explosive form of flu that infects ducks and chickens," said Fox News Science, Health, and Epidemics Commentator Marylinne Kent. "Given the popularity of these two birds as a food source among Asians, and the fact that we have no idea how many undocumented Asians have settled illegally in our nation, the potential for danger is extremely high."

"I urge you all to think of your families," Kent added.

Harold Jefferson, a founding member of the American National Citizen's Institute for Alarm, read from a prepared statement Tuesday.

"We have to face the facts: This isn't just a rapacious killer that could be incubating anywhere within our borders and for which there is no known cure," Jefferson said. "It is also an indicator of the profound indifference of millions of American citizens. Mark my words: People who aren't scared now will look pretty stupid if it turns out that they should have been."

Jefferson added: "The bird flu could someday claim as many lives as Mad Cow Disease."

Ruth Herrin, the New York Post's veteran panic expert, has relied heavily on information provided by alarmists in the scientific community.

"Listen, I'm no disease expert," Herrin said. "But I know that people should be warned about global devastation any time a devastation scenario can be extrapolated from an actual news report. And for the 16th consecutive month, that time is now."

None of the nation's 15,000 certified alarmists have offered a strategy to deal with a possible outbreak.

"Listen, finding cures is not my job," Wexler said. "I just report the facts as best and as briefly as I can. Then I interpret them in what I, as an alarmist, believe to be the most effective fashion. And if what I perceive here is real—namely, a looming epidemic and an atmosphere of apathy and fatalism in the U. S. medical community—then we are facing Armageddon."