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Live-In Boyfriend Like The Deadbeat Dad Kids Never Had

• America Still Searching For Funniest Home Video

  ISSUE 41•13 | 03.30.05 | News

  HOLLYWOOD—Even after 15 years of tireless labor and a score of agonizing near-misses, the staff at America's Funniest Home Videos said Monday that they do not intend to quit until they have found the nation's funniest home video. more»

  

• Bush Launches Preemptive Attack On Social Security

  ISSUE 41•13 | 03.30.05 | News

  ST. LOUIS, MO—At an appearance at the St. Louis Convention Center Sunday evening, President Bush declared the "grave and pressing need" for a preemptive attack on the Social Security program. more»

  

• Anti-Chewing-Tobacco Activists Speak Out Against Secondhand Spit

  ISSUE 41•13 | 03.30.05 | News

  RALEIGH, NC—The ever-embattled tobacco industry suffered another blow Monday, as citizens' groups challenged the major smokeless-tobacco companies to confront the quality-of-life issues associated with secondhand spit. more»

  

• Five Minutes Of Watching Indian Channel Leads To Five Hours Of Watching Indian Channel

  ISSUE 41•13 | 03.30.05 | News in Brief

  NEW YORK—A five-minute sampling of Hindi-language channel Zee TV stretched into a five-hour Indian TV marathon for Craig Mieritz, 23, Monday. "I have no idea what's going on, but I can't turn it off," the channel-flipping Mieritz said about a colorful, frenetic musical number on the soap opera Tum Bin Jaaoon Kahaan. "Maybe I'll just watch another minute..." Following the soap, Mieritz watched a Hindi pop variety show, 11 music videos, and the three-hour Bollywood epic Khuda Gawah, the remote in his hand the entire time. more»

• Nation Planning Surprise Party To Cheer Up Conor Oberst

  ISSUE 41•13 | 03.30.05 | News in Brief

  OMAHA, NE—American citizens are coordinating efforts to lift the spirits of wünderkind singer-songwriter Conor Oberst, sources reported Monday. "I saw Conor's picture in a Spin article about Bright Eyes, and he just looked so down," said Lindsey Keisner of Youngstown, OH, one of the party's 4,000 planners. "The country feels really bad that he's going through such a rough spell, so next Friday, everyone who can should meet in Omaha with balloons, funny cards, and silly little gag gifts." Britt Daniel from Spoon will lure Oberst to Omaha by asking him to overdub some vocals. more»

• American Torturing Jobs Increasingly Outsourced

  ISSUE 41•13 | 03.30.05 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON, DC—AFL-CIO vice president Linda Chavez-Thompson, representing the American Federation of Interrogation Torturers, released a statement Monday deriding the CIA's "extraordinary rendition" program, under which American torturing jobs are outsourced to foreign markets. "Outsourcing the task of interrogating terror suspects to countries like Egypt, Syria, and Saudi Arabia is having a crippling effect on the Americans who make a living by stripping detainees nude, shackling them to the floor, and beating the living shit out of them," Chavez-Thompson said. "And specialists within the field—corrosive-material chemists, ocular surgeons, and testicular electricians—are lucky to find any jobs at all. How are they supposed to feed their families?" Attorney General Alberto Gonzales defended extraordinary rendition, saying the program will create jobs in the long run by fostering a global climate of torture tolerance. more»

• 'Missed Connection' Ad Obviously Cheney

  ISSUE 41•13 | 03.30.05 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON, DC—In spite of its anonymity, a "missed connection" ad posted on the D.C.-area Craigslist Monday was clearly the work of Vice President Dick Cheney. "You: the attractive blonde from Newsweek," the ad read. "Me: stout, thinning hair, glasses, surrounded by Secret Service agents. Our eyes met as I was walking across the tarmac. I thought I felt a spark." The posting closed with the message, "Coffee? I'll grant you an exclusive." more»

• Oysters Have No Discernible Effect On Date

  ISSUE 41•13 | 03.30.05 | News in Brief

  SEATTLE—According to Justin Grammling, 24, a close inspection of date Karen Stavers, who ate a six-oyster appetizer platter, indicated no marked increase in her libido. "Those things didn't do shit," Grammling said. "She didn't inch closer to me, or play footsie, or take her sweater off. I was keeping an eye on her, and her color didn't even rise." Grammling said he will fall back on Seduction Plan B: alcohol. more»

• Information Thieves

  ISSUE 41•13 | 03.30.05 | Infographic

  Identity theft is a growing problem, with hackers gaining access to more Americans' personal information every year. What are some of the reasons hackers turn to crime? more»

  

• Horoscope for the week of March 30, 2005

  ISSUE 41•13 | 03.30.05 | Horoscope

  You've never cared about mining, you've never been curious about mining, and you certainly never wanted to be a miner, but the only thing those gun-toting Australians care about is getting the silver out of the ground. more»

• What did Woodrow Wilson Do On This Very Spot?

  ISSUE 41•13 | 03.30.05 | Statshot

  

• Scientists Isolate Gene Simmons

  ISSUE 41•13 | 03.30.05 | News in Photos

  

• Briefcase Full Of Porn

  ISSUE 41•13 | 03.30.05 | News in Photos

  

• Getting Our Jollies

  ISSUE 41•13 | 03.30.05 | Commentary

  I've gotta say, I feel really sorry for all the so-called "professionals"—the working stiffs and stiffettes of the world. Sure, they're making a lot of money being lawyers and brokers, but are they truly happy? Last Monday morning, as I watched the Lexuses and BMWs cruise down Thisbe Avenue headed toward the interstate, I couldn't help feeling sorry for all those strivers. more»

• You Won't Believe This, But I'm Actually On A Crowded Elevator Right Now

  ISSUE 41•13 | 03.30.05 | Commentary

  Oh, hey David. No, it's a fine time. Always got time for you, my man. Dave. How's that lady I saw you with on Saturday? No shit. You're something else, my friend. Really something. Oh, that? That was just the second floor. Yeah, you won't believe this, but I'm actually on this crowded elevator right now. Yeah, it's totally crazy. We're packed like sardines in here. more»

• April 4, 1927

  ISSUE 41•13 | 03.30.05 | History

  

• Being A Considerate Houseguest

  ISSUE 41•13 | 03.30.05 | Tips

  If friends or family members are kind enough to invite you to stay at their home, you'll want to be a gracious guest. Here's some tips to help you avoid becoming a burden: more»

  

• The Morning-After Pill

  ISSUE 41•13 | 03.30.05 | American Voices

  The FDA is deciding whether they will allow non-prescription sales of the morning-after pill Plan B. What do you think? more»

• Animal Comes In Fun Animal Shape

• History Sighs, Repeats Itself