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Family Feud Continues Years After Game-Show Appearance

• Amazing New Hyperbolic Chamber Greatest Invention In The History Of Mankind Ever

  ISSUE 41•17 | 04.27.05 | News

  OAK RIDGE, TN—After six grueling years of Herculean research, scientists at the Oak Ridge National Laboratory pronounced EHC-1 Alpha, the new hyperbolic chamber, "an unquestionably, undeniably, fantastically revolutionary milestone in the history of science, mankind, and the universe, all of which it will undoubtedly change forever." more»

  

• Report: U.S. Foreign Policy Hurting American Students' Chances Of Getting Laid Abroad

  ISSUE 41•17 | 04.27.05 | News

  AMSTERDAM—American students traveling abroad confirm the findings of a study indicating that Washington's unilateral approach to foreign policy has seriously undermined Americans' chances of getting laid. more»

  

• Area Man Well-Versed In First Thirds Of Great Literature

  ISSUE 41•17 | 04.27.05 | News

  KANSAS CITY, MO—Malcolm Seward likes nothing better than hunkering down and reading the first 100 pages or so of a classic novel. more»

  

• First Date In Six Months To Be Last Date In Six Years

  ISSUE 41•17 | 04.27.05 | News in Brief

  ROSEBURG, OR—Although he is unaware of it, Jeff Schyler's date Friday will be his last until May 2011. "I'm so glad I finally got up the balls to ask out my friend's cute sister," said the 28-year-old, whose last date was in October. "I haven't been getting much action lately, but I have a really good feeling about this." Schyler plans to take his date to see Fever Pitch, hoping the romantic comedy will "get her in the mood," which it won't. more»

• National Poetry Month Raises Awareness Of Poetry Prevention

  ISSUE 41•17 | 04.27.05 | News in Brief

  NEW YORK—This month marks the 10th National Poetry Month, a campaign created in 1996 to raise public awareness of the growing problem of poetry. "We must stop this scourge before more lives are exposed to poetry," said Dr. John Nieman of the American Poetry Prevention Society at a Monday fundraising luncheon. "It doesn't just affect women. Young people, particularly morose high-school and college students, are very susceptible to this terrible affliction. It is imperative that we eradicate poetry now, before more rainy afternoons are lost to it." Nieman said some early signs of poetry infection include increased self-absorption and tea consumption. more»

• Teen Reports Saturday Night Live Has Sucked Since Chris Kattan Left

  ISSUE 41•17 | 04.27.05 | News in Brief

  AUGUSTA, GA—Once an avid fan of Saturday Night Live, Tom Simms, 16, said Monday that the live sketch-comedy institution began a downhill slide after Chris Kattan exited the show in 2003. "They don't do funny stuff like Mango or the Roxbury guys anymore," said Simms, who, from 1998 to 2004, watched SNL whenever he had a babysitter or could sneak downstairs after his parents fell asleep. "After Kattan left, the show stopped taking chances." Simms' older brother Joel and his uncle Kurt agreed that SNL's quality has declined, but linked the show's suck-points to the departure of Jim Breuer and Joe Piscopo, respectively. more»

• Uneventful Past Finally Catches Up To Boring Man

  ISSUE 41•17 | 04.27.05 | News in Brief

  MILTONVALE, KS—Years of safe living finally caught up to 33-year-old accountant Brian Jorgens Sunday during a visit from old friends. "I thought I'd put my sedate college days behind me forever," said Jorgens, standing in front of the Applebee's where he'd just spent three hours with his former college roommates. "But after listening to Ken and Louis reminisce about our summer-long cribbage tournament and the time we took a chartered tour bus to the Badlands—well, I realized that I can run from my boring past, but I can never truly hide." Jorgens vowed to turn his life around by deserting his wife and stealing a car. more»

• Bartender Hurt By Unfinished Drink

  ISSUE 41•17 | 04.27.05 | News in Brief

  DENVER—Eddie Meagher, a bartender at Madhatter's Pub, reported that he was "deeply hurt" by an unfinished Long Island Ice Tea left behind by one of his patrons Monday. "I made that drink especially for him," said a visibly disappointed Meagher. "Why would he leave almost a third of it sitting there? If something was wrong with it, he should've told me so. Then I could fix it." According to coworkers, Meagher hasn't been this upset since a patron thoughtlessly vomited four meticulously crafted Cosmos onto the street in front of the bar last Thursday. more»

• The New Lincoln Museum

  ISSUE 43•27 ISSUE 41•17 | 04.27.05 | Infographic

  The high-tech Abraham Lincoln Presidential Museum opened in Springfield, IL last week. What are some of its exhibits? more»

  

• Horoscope for the week of April 27, 2005

  ISSUE 41•17 | 04.27.05 | Horoscope

  You really won't know what to think when God Himself appears to you and asks, rather shyly, if you think people would be okay with saying "God Herself" from now on. more»

• What's Going On 30,000 Feet Above Us?

  ISSUE 41•17 | 04.27.05 | Statshot

  

• Beaver Can't Wait To Get Started On Dam

  ISSUE 41•17 | 04.27.05 | News in Photos

  

• Katie Couric Flirts With Cardinal On Air

  ISSUE 41•17 | 04.27.05 | News in Photos

  

• Guess What—It's Tom DeLay's Frisbee Now

  ISSUE 41•17 | 04.27.05 | Commentary

  Damn it! What did I tell you kids? more»

• A Motivation Seminizar

  ISSUE 41•17 | 04.27.05 | Commentary

  Tha Nite Rida cruised like a muhfukkin' barracuda into tha Midstate parkin' lot an' wit' typical mad stealth executed a perfect 90-degree turn into her designated spot. "It Monday, bitchez," I said as I flew outta my hoopty an' hustled 2 tha employee entrance. "Aw yeah, y'all know how we do it. Bitchez best fo-get that punk-ass, no-workin' weekend shit an' be down wit' tha hardcore officin', or y'all gonna have tha H-Dog up in yo' shit. Word dat." more»

• April 30, 1937

  ISSUE 41•17 | 04.27.05 | History

  Art Critics Impressed By Saturation Bombing Of Guernica more»

  

• The New Food Pyramid

  ISSUE 41•17 | 04.27.05 | American Voices

  Last week, the federal government released a new food pyramid, but many citizens say the nutrition guidelines are too complicated. What do you think? more»

• Ethics Panel Slides Back To Reveal Hot Tub

• Thumb War Senseless