• 1996
• 1997
• 1998
• 1999
• 2000
• 2001
• 2002
• 2003
• 2004
• 2005
• 2006
• 2007
• 2008
• 2009
• 2010
• 2011
• 2012

• <<
• 05.04.05 |
• 05.11.05 |
• 05.18.05 |
• 05.25.05 |
• 06.01.05 |
• 06.08.05 |
• 06.15.05 |
• 06.22.05 |
• 06.29.05 |
• 07.06.05 |
• 07.13.05
• >>

Arizona Man Steals Bush's Identity, Vetoes Bill, Meets With Mexican President

• Unspeakable Happens In Area Town

  ISSUE 41•18 | 05.04.05 | News

  MURPHY, ID—Indescribable tragedy struck the quiet foothill town of Murphy Monday, leaving authorities and citizens dumbstruck by the nameless horror that descended on their community. more»

  

• U.S. Mint Gears Up To Issue Commemorative County Pennies

  ISSUE 46•26 ISSUE 41•18 | 05.04.05 | News

  WASHINGTON, DC—Following the success of its 50 State Quarters program—deemed one of the most popular commemorative-coin programs in American history—the U.S. Mint announced its next ambitious project: releasing a unique penny for every county in the nation. more»

  

• Actual Expert Too Boring For TV

  ISSUE 41•18 | 05.04.05 | News

  SECAUCUS, NJ—Dr. Gary Canton, a professor of applied nuclear physics and energy-development technologies at MIT and a leading expert in American nuclear-power applications, was rejected by MSNBC producers for being "too boring for TV" Monday. more»

  

• Report: U.S. Leads World In Lost Sunglasses

  ISSUE 46•26 ISSUE 41•18 | 05.04.05 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON, DC—According to a report by the Bureau of Accessory Statistics, each year the U.S. loses more pairs of sunglasses per person than any other nation. "Over 1.6 billion pairs of sunglasses are lost by Americans concerned with shielding their eyes from excess light and harmful UVA radiation," the report read. "This works out to six pairs of sunglasses per American per year, or 50 pairs of sunglasses lost every second." In second place, Italy has a lost-sunglasses rate of one pair per citizen per year, followed by Japan, Iceland, and Portugal with loss rates of .23, .19, and .16 respectively. more»

• Replacement Socialite Cunt Sought For Simple Life Cast

  ISSUE 41•18 | 05.04.05 | News in Brief

  NEW YORK—Due to the falling out between Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton, producers of Fox's The Simple Life are continuing their search for the perfect spoiled, no-talent socialite cunt to step in for Richie. "It shouldn't be too hard to find another vapid, muddied cum-dumpster perpetually drunk on the jizz of trust-fund himbos," producer Jonathan Murray said. "Any million-dollar Bambi with a vast inheritance and no ambition will do, though gutter-sluts with coke-fueled pasts will be given special consideration." Murray added that "it doesn't matter if her pussy rattles when the wind blows—we can fix that in post." more»

• Man With Dream To Open Liquor Store Achieves Dream

  ISSUE 41•18 | 05.04.05 | News in Brief

  SOUTH BEND, IN—Dale Seebach, 32, who has dreamed of opening his own liquor store since childhood, saw his dream become a reality Monday. "I never thought I would own a liquor store," said Seebach to his two part-time employees at the grand opening of Dale's Spirits on Front Street. "It was a lot of hard work applying for the loan, getting a lease, and working out the distribution, but I did it!" If the store does well, Seebach may someday realize his other dream of enclosing his backyard deck for winter use. more»

• Drive-Time Commute Jam-Packed With Entertainment

  ISSUE 41•18 | 05.04.05 | News in Brief

  CHANDLER, AZ—Phoenix-area resident Bruce Meske, 34, said he can't believe the amazing number of riveting, drive-time radio options available for his 40-minute commute home every night. "At no other time of the day is my life so jam-packed with incredible entertainment choices," Meske said Monday. "I could listen to the '60s at 6:00 or tune into the week's Top Five with Fathead on The Zone! Should I get the lead out with Beebo and Frank, stay informed with Ted and Heidi, or get riled by Mike Savage?! Sometimes I wish my commute took two hours!" Meske added that his wealth of options for the morning drive floor him as well. more»

• Rapidly Swelling Man May Contain Traces Of Peanuts

  ISSUE 41•18 | 05.04.05 | News in Brief

  PENSACOLA, FL—Lance Kiser, the host at the Erewan Thai restaurant, informed fellow employees Monday that the bloated, choking man at table four may contain trace amounts of peanuts. "Warning: The dark-haired businessman who very suddenly began experiencing shortness of breath, confusion, and slurred speech may contain trace amounts of peanuts," Kiser said. "He definitely ate a plate of chicken curry prepared in the same facility as dishes containing peanuts and/or other nuts." The purple-faced, swelling man declined comment. more»

• Improving Amtrak

  ISSUE 41•18 | 05.04.05 | Infographic

  Following last week's announcement that an entire fleet of Acela trains will be taken out of service for repairs, Amtrak is looking for ways to reinvigorate the company. What are some of the measures it's taking? more»

  

• Horoscope for the week of May 4, 2005

  ISSUE 41•18 | 05.04.05 | Horoscope

  You’re a true role model for young people, the way you’ve achieved financial success and remained active in your community while masturbating pretty much constantly. more»

• Who Are We Giving Up For Dead?

  ISSUE 41•18 | 05.04.05 | Statshot

  

• Bachelorette Party Saved By Actual Firemen

  ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 41•18 | 05.04.05 | News in Photos

  

• Democratic Senator Strides Down Corridors Of Powerlessness

  ISSUE 41•18 | 05.04.05 | News in Photos

  

• I Can't Stand It When Jews Talk During Movies

  ISSUE 41•18 | 05.04.05 | Commentary

  Do you have a pet peeve—some little thing that drives you completely bonkers? For certain people, it's the sound of a Jewish person dragging her fingernails across a chalkboard. For others, it's when Jews don't signal before making a turn. Me? I can't stand it when Jews talk during movies! more»

• May 1, 1975

  ISSUE 41•18 | 05.04.05 | History

  U.S. Loses Vietnam War; Ford Urges All Americans to Salute Our Vietcong Rulers more»

  

• Ask A 7-Year-Old With A New Joke Book

  ISSUE 41•18 | 05.04.05 | Advice

  Danny Geppert is a syndicated columnist whose weekly advice column, Ask A 7-Year-Old With A New Joke Book, appears in more than 250 papers nationwide. more»

• Women On The Front Line

  ISSUE 41•18 | 05.04.05 | American Voices

  Women are barred from U.S. military jobs that would place them on the front line, but some say all troops in Iraq are exposed to ground combat. What do you think? more»

• 'Well, Someone's Gotta Play Oboe,' Screams Frustrated Band Teacher