AL BHURBAN'Q, AFGHANISTAN—Filming of the second season of al-Qaeda's surprise hit situation comedy Ba'athtime For Abdul will take place before live studio hostages. "We shall not rest until the vassals of the Great Satan know what it is to live, love, and learn as a member of al-Qaeda," said a spokesman for the show, who assured fans that the laugh- and scream-tracks would not be sweetened in post-production. The videotaped statement, like the episodes of the show itself, was delivered to Al-Jazeera's Afghanistan headquarters in a plain box containing the tape and three severed heads of studio hostages.
WASHINGTON, DC—Former ambassador Joe Wilson reports that he is "becoming disenchanted" with CIA agent Valerie Plame, since her identity was divulged to reporters in 2002. "I still love her, I suppose," Wilson said. "But I used to be the only one who knew her secret." Contributing to his sense of dissatisfaction, Wilson said, is Plame's newfound interest in public displays of affection, her habit of calling him from work, and her fear of violent reprisals from undercover Middle Eastern assassins.
SAN BERNADINO, CA—Entertainment historians from across the country gathered Sunday on a field near Hollywood to recreate the original 1976 Battle of the Network Stars. "We dedicate our re-enactment to the brave souls who fought it," said Network TV Historical Society co-founder and insurance-claims adjuster Drew Kamen, who played the part of CBS team wiseacre Jimmie Walker in this weekend's event. "Let us never forget the pivotal foot race between CBS's Robert Conrad and ABC's Gabe Kaplan." Kamen, like the other re-enactors, wore exact replicas of the striped tube socks and nylon running shorts used in the original battle.
PLEASANTVILLE, NYReader's Digest editors reported Monday that submissions to their "Humor In Uniform" feature have fallen off sharply since 2001. "The submissions that are trickling in are just not making me laugh," said Jackie Leo, an editor at the magazine. "I'm looking for amusing send-ups of peeling potatoes on KP duty, not another vignette about a soldier waking up screaming because he accidentally shot a pregnant Iraqi woman." Leo said she almost published one soldier's story about being financially devastated by shrinking veteran benefits "just to help him out with the $300 publication fee, but it just wasn't funny enough."
NEW YORK—Officers from the New York City Police Department evacuated the Union Square subway station and suspended all train service Monday after a random search of a passenger's backpack revealed an explosive bestseller.
If people wanna think I'm, like, abusive or whatever, that's their problem. 'Cause I know I'm a good mom, and that's all that matters. But damn, yo, I better not have Social Services on my ass just 'cause I dropped Liondrae at Dollar City today. After it happened, some stock guy and some uptight-looking bitch were looking at me and I was like, "What the fuck are you looking at?" You could tell they were the judging type, and I don't want no cops at my door just 'cause some people think they better than me.
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox
8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC
Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!
PIERRE, SD—Saying he couldn’t wait to spend the entire night struggling to maintain a comfortable position, houseguest Adam Weaver reportedly told his friend and host, Luke Irving, Thursday that he was happy to have been given an air mattress that would slowly deflate throughout the night.
TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.