Say, I'd like to eat a little something. You got something? What you got? Any kind of food is good. I just want something to eat. You must got something. I ain't desperate or nothing like that. Don't think I'm begging. I'm just asking here. No pressure. I just want to eat something. Wondering if you had something maybe. No big deal.
LONDONFindings released Monday by Britain's Home Office indicate that politeness among Londoners has dipped 2 percent since the July public-transit bombings. "Terrorist bombers? Well, I saygood day to thema tip of my hat to them, indeed, and may they take their leave of our green and pleasant land," said Andrew Capper of Surbiton. "Far be it from me to pass judgment, as I've never met the chaps myselfand goodness knows I'm not without errorbut I should think that a few of these terrorists have behaved in a manner that can only be described as rather less than gentlemanly, if I do say so myself, may it please you, good sir." The Home Office cites post-traumatic stress in the sharp decline in manners, the worst since the 4 percent drop during the Blitz of 1940.
It's bad enough that you earned the undying enmity of a murderous elephant, but this particular bull is a member of the Azuma ninja herdunusually cunning, stealthy, and skilled in the use of blowguns and exotic poisons.
ST. LOUISPlant researchers continue to report impressive discoveries in stem research, the Botanical Society Of America announced in a position paper released Monday. "Using existing stem lines, we are closer than ever to finding cures for Dutch elm disease and soft rot," said lead researcher Mary Leisgard. Pro-plantlife groups oppose the research, arguing that the stems represent potential life. "Every stem, whether it has taken root and sprouted leaves or not, is a miracle from God," said botany activist Phyllis Bergher. "What these stems need is soil, moisture, and the chance to grow into full-fledged flora as God intended."
WASHINGTON, DC—A genie freed from a battered oil lamp by Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia granted the conservative jurist a strict constructionist interpretation of his wish for "a hundred billion bucks" Monday. "Sim sim salabim! Your wish is my command!" the genie proclaimed amid flashes of light and purple smoke, immediately filling the Supreme Court building with a massive herd of wild male antelopes. When Justice Scalia complained that the "bucks" had razed the U.S. Supreme Court building, trampling and killing several of his clerks and bringing traffic in the nation's capital to a standstill for hours, the genie said, "Your honor, your wish is a sacred and unalterable document whose interpretation is not subject to the whims of society and changing social context."
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox
8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC
Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!
The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:
EUGENE, OR—The tension at a party hosted by area man Chad Kopp was reportedly increasing by the minute Friday as attendees continued to glance uneasily at an acoustic guitar leaning against the living room wall for the third straight hour.
Chinese carmakers are beginning to increase production volume, raise quality-control standards, and export cars to Europe, with the hope of becoming a major player in the auto industry in the coming years. What do you think?