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Iraqi Constitution Ratified, Burned

• Night On Town Fails To Rekindle Fading Business Relationship

  ISSUE 41•44 | 11.02.05 | News

  AUSTIN, TX—Entrepreneurs Terry Argento and B.J. Dreschler realized that, despite their wonderful past transactions, their partnership is over. more»

  

• TV-News Graphics Guy Gives Weatherman On-Air Surprise

  ISSUE 41•44 | 11.02.05 | News

  OKLAHOMA CITY, OK—Graphics designer Dan Janney's irreverent weather-map graphic cracked up the entire newsroom. more»

  

• Bush Orders Mass Bald Eagle Slaughter To Stop Spread Of Bird Flu

  ISSUE 41•44 | 11.02.05 | News

  WASHINGTON, DC—President Bush ordered Americans to round these birds up, tie them down, and slit their throats. more»

  

• This So Typical Of Hemophiliac

  ISSUE 41•44 | 11.02.05 | News in Brief

  TEMPE, AZ—Friends of Joshua Melman agreed Monday that the behavior displayed at the WildSlide Waterpark Sunday was "utterly typical" of the... more»

• Hanukkah Decorations Being Defaced Earlier Every Year

  ISSUE 41•44 | 11.02.05 | News in Brief

  NEW YORK—A report released Monday by the Anti-Defamation League confirmed the widely held perception that Hanukkah decorations are being... more»

• New Custard Could Cause Worldwide Flandemic

  ISSUE 41•44 | 11.02.05 | News in Brief

  ATLANTA—A recently discovered strain of custard could cause a worldwide flandemic, Centers For Dessert Control warned Monday. "We are warning... more»

• 'Scooter' Libby Wishes He'd Ditched Nickname Before Media Coverage

  ISSUE 41•44 | 11.02.05 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON, DC—I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, the indicted former chief of staff to Vice President Dick Cheney, wishes he had stopped answering to... more»

• Floral Arrangement At Funeral Talked About More Than Deceased

  ISSUE 41•44 | 11.02.05 | News in Brief

  CHICAGO—Although Ernest Quarles was a reasonably beloved member of his family, the floral arrangements at his Sunday funeral service dominated... more»

• New Corporate Responsibility Laws

  ISSUE 41•44 | 11.02.05 | Infographic

  Several recent bills have passed that absolve corporations of liability if consumers are harmed by their products, and President Bush is expected to sign them into law. What are some details of similar proposed legislation? more»

  

• Horoscopes 4144

  ISSUE 41•44 | 11.02.05 | Horoscope

• What's The Worst That Could Happen?

  ISSUE 41•44 | 11.02.05 | Statshot

  

• Eric Being A Real Dick Lately

  ISSUE 41•44 | 11.02.05 | Radio News

• Michael Bay Makes High-Octane Trip To Grocery Store

  ISSUE 41•44 | 11.03.05 | Radio News

• Weather Channel Opens Las Vegas Casino

  ISSUE 41•44 | 11.04.05 | Radio News

• Bufferin Sought In Series Of Pain Killings

  ISSUE 41•44 | 11.07.05 | Radio News

• Unfazed Karl Rove Leaks Valerie Plame's Age, Weight

  ISSUE 41•44 | 11.08.05 | Radio News

• Mega-Churchgoer Hopes To Appear Devout On Jumbotron

  ISSUE 41•44 | 11.02.05 | News in Photos

  

• Yeti Releases Abdominable Crunch Workout Video

  ISSUE 41•44 | 11.02.05 | News in Photos

  

• There's A Nude Sheriff In Town

  ISSUE 41•44 | 11.02.05 | Commentary

  Howdy, pardners. The name's Gunderson. Sheriff Bill Gunderson. You might remember me from the unattirin' at Black Gulch or the full moon at high... more»

• I Plan To Take Full Advantage Of The Upcoming Q&A With Howie Mandel

  ISSUE 41•44 | 11.02.05 | Commentary

  When I first heard that the DVD box set of Bobby's World was being released, I couldn't imagine more exciting news. Little did I know that,... more»

• November 2, 1994

  ISSUE 41•44 | 11.02.05 | History

  Republican Revolution Of '94: Everything's Different Now more»

  

• Disaster, Could It Strike Again?

  ISSUE 41•44 | 11.04.05 | Sunday Magazine

  

• Amid Controversy, NBA Announces Even Stricter Dress Code

  ISSUE 41•44 | 11.03.05 | Sports News

  NEW YORK—With the newly implemented dress code being met with criticism from players like Allen Iverson and Marcus Camby, NBA Commissioner David Stern announced Wednesday that he will clarify any and all concerns by imposing an even stricter, more detailed code of dress and conduct so that players can more accurately follow it to the letter. more»

  

• NBA Season Opens With Record Seven Scoreless Ties

  ISSUE 41•44 | 11.03.05 | Sports News in Brief

  NEW YORK—NBA officials are remaining quiet on the subject of the 2005-06 season's unusual opening week, in which seven games so far have opened with 0-0 ties. more»

• National Sex-Boat Industry Facing Financial Trouble

  ISSUE 42•02 ISSUE 41•44 | 11.03.05 | Sports News in Brief

  ST. PAUL, MN—Spokespeople for the waterborne-luxury-adult-tourism organization American Sex-Boat Owners Group said Wednesday that unknown factors have caused a sudden and perhaps catastrophic decline in sex-boat business. more»

• NFL Discontinues ‘Take Your Daughter To Work Day’

  ISSUE 42•02 ISSUE 41•44 | 11.03.05 | Photo Finish

  

• Alito Nominated

  ISSUE 41•44 | 11.02.05 | American Voices

  President Bush nominated conservative Judge Samuel Alito as a replacement for Justice Sandra Day O’Connor on the Supreme Court. What do you... more»

• Dems Force Closed Senate

  ISSUE 41•44 | 11.03.05 | American Voices

  Minority Leader Harry Reid called for a private Senate session Tuesday to demand an investigation into pre-war intelligence handling. What do... more»

• Record Oil Prices, Record Oil Profits

  ISSUE 41•44 | 11.04.05 | American Voices

  In the face of record-high oil prices, oil companies made a record $35 billion in profits in the last financial quarter. What do you think? more»

• Rioting Continues In Paris

  ISSUE 41•44 | 11.07.05 | American Voices

  The French police have taken 22 young people into custody after more than a week of riots in a northeastern suburb of Paris. What do you... more»

• Top Al-Qaeda Escapee

  ISSUE 41•44 | 11.08.05 | American Voices

  It was recently announced that Omar al-Farouq, a top al-Qaeda operative, was among four prisoners to escape a U.S.-run prison in Afghanistan last... more»

• CASPER, WY—Neighborhood suspicions were aroused today when mail carrier Tom Deek discovered that local resident Duane "Kutch" Kutcherson has begun subscribing to The Nation.

• FAYETTEVILLE, TN—10-year-old Kate Mulberry’s life began its downward spiral when she checked out a Piers Anthony book because it had a unicorn on it.

• JERSEY CITY, NJ—A family game of Clue this week confirmed area father Doug Neubaur’s belief that his three children would never suspect a thing if he were to murder their mother.

• On TV Tonight

  Broadcast Networks	8:00		9:00		10:00
  ABC	Wife Swap: Special Victims Unit		Desperate Housewives: Malibu Nights	Wednesday Night Wishing There Was Football	Basically Judging Amy, But She's President
  CBS	Two And A Half Jokes		The Ghost Decorators		In The Sauna With Andy Rooney
  NBC	The Apprentice: Cobbler	The Apprentice: Pope	The Apprentice: Oreck Vacuum Guy	Clinging To Joey	Law And Order: SUV
  UPN	America's Next Topless Model		The Yell-At- Denise-Richards Show	Just Happy To Be On TV	The Great American Syndication Hour
  FOX	So You Think Celebrities Can Dance?		So You Think Ex-Buffy Cast Members Can Dance?		Kiss Your Favorite Show Goodbye!
  Cable
  Spike TV	Dude, Check This Shit Out!	Dude, Did You See That Shit?	Axe Body Spray Theater			EHUURRGH! Masculinity's Greatest Dumps
  Comedy Central	Let's Ineptly Clean Eugene Levy's House!		Fruits In Suits	Chappelle's Rerun	Not Anywhere Near Late Enough With Adam Carolla
  IFC	Parker Posey: A Retrospective		Bob Balaban's Celebrity Backgammon	Talking About Rudy With Jon Favreau	Paint Drying (1998): Lili Taylor, Martin Donovan
  FUSE	Hip Hop Party	Hip Hop Brawl	Hip Hop Arrests	Metal: The Yoga Of Anger	Go To Bed, It's The '80's Video Show
  LOGO	The TooGay Show	The Man Show (Rerun)	How Homosexuals Should Act	How Heterosexuals Should Act	Soap, But Only Episodes With Billy Crystal	Queer Eye For The Even Queerer Guy

• Health Treat Industries (HTRTI)

  This wholesaler of healthy, all-natural baked goods continues its three-week downward spiral as more and more customers realize they don't want to eat a goddamned organic cookie.