HARTFORD, CTIn a ringside announcement before 50,000 screaming, mourning fans, WWE commissioner Vince McMahon ordered The Undertaker to arrange the burial ceremony for his recently deceased nemesis Eddie Guerrero.
PHOENIXNextel Cup Series driver Kurt Busch, who was detained on suspicion of driving drunk and cited for reckless driving near Phoenix International Raceway last Friday, has been sternly warned by NASCAR to "save the drunk driving for the racetrack."
LOS ANGELESGreg Behrendt, the co-author of the bestsellers He's Just Not That Into You and It's Called A Breakup Because It's Broken, has written a book targeted at younger readers, which will be released by Simon & Schuster next week.
SUN PRAIRIE, WI—According to shocked and disgusted sources, local couple Graham and Allison Finlay partake in a bizarre presex ritual where they tuck both of their kids into bed and then kiss them goodnight.
ANN ARBOR, MI—Groaning upon spotting the image on his Facebook newsfeed, local man Peter Grant was reluctantly forced to agree with an absolutely moronic political cartoon Tuesday in which the Statue of Liberty was depicted hugging several immigrants.