Terrorist Has No Idea What To Do With All This Plutonium
ZAHEDAN, IRAN—Yaquub Akhtar said the only thing his confusing weapons of mass destruction are destroying is his ability to kill infidels.
Issue 4148
Sleazy Town Will Do Anything To Get On Map
WHEATON, MN—This small town has spread its figurative legs to lure anonymous outsiders to gauche events like the Midsummer Hoedown.
Fritolaysia Cuts Off Chiplomatic Relations With Snakistan
KARUNCHI, SNAKISTAN—Fritolaysia's trade blockade has also cut off Snakistan's commerce with Yumen, Mmmmadagascar, and the Chex Republic.
Impersonal Trainer Couldn't Give A Fuck What You Do With Those Free Weights
LOS ANGELES—Wes Orth Jr., the man considered to be the standard-bearer for a new breed of strong and aloof impersonal trainers, could not care...
MythBusters Team Struck Down By Zeus
SAN FRANCISCO—MythBusters hosts Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman, who dared challenge the sacred explanations of the order of the universe,...
Enchilada Premonition Comes To Pass
BUFFALO, NY—An unaccountable vision of impending enchilada consumption experienced by SUNYBuffalo student Kris Lamberth came true early...
RIAA Bans Telling Friends About Songs
LOS ANGELES—The Recording Industry Association of America announced Tuesday that it will be taking legal action against anyone discovered...
Wal-Mart P.R.
In an effort to combat their negative media portrayal, Wal-Mart has set up a public-relations "war room." What strategies have they drawn up to counter ...
November 27, 1979
Sadat, Begin Celebrate Peace Treaty With All-Night Coke Orgy At Studio 54
Annika Sorenstam Has Another Remarkable Year For A Lady
WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Annika Sorenstam, the absolutely adorable doll of golf's lighter, gentler side, and a true lady who has absolutely charmed ladies ...
Halftime Show At Bruins-Devils Hockey Game Disrupted By Second Period Of Play
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—A combination marching band and pompom squad show planned for the halfway point of Tuesday night's Boston-New Jersey hockey...
Nation's Cowboys Fans Deeply Nostalgic Following Michael Irvin's Latest Drug-Related Arrest
PLANO, TX—Cowboys football fans nationwide experienced deep feelings of nostalgia for the franchise's glory days when former Dallas receiver...
MLB Adopts New 'Four Strikes And You're Back In' Steroid Policy
MILWAUKEE—Facing pressure from the public and the players' union, Major League Baseball announced Monday that they would institute a new steroid...
Onion Sports 2005-06 NCAA Brackets
Print out Onion Sports' all-encompassing do-it-yourself 2005-06 basketball brackets and decide which of the top 400 college teams you think will go all the way!
Museums Raided Tombs?
Thousands of artifacts that have been taken from tombs around the world often make their way to prestigious museums. What do you think?
EU Against Secret Prisons
The European Union is going to impose sanctions against member nations that cooperated with the U.S. CIA-run prisons. What do you think?
C-Sections On The Rise
Americans are delivering babies via Caesarean section in record numbers. What do you think?
Shoplifting Gangs Threaten Retail
Organized shoplifting gangs are posing a serious threat to retailers around the nation. What do you think?
Public Wants Troops Home
According to a recent poll, 52 percent of Americans want to withdraw troops from Iraq within the next 12 months. What do you think?
