Saturn Probe To Be Biggest Story Of The Year

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Issue 4152

Well-Rested Bush At The Top Of His Game

CRAWFORD, TX—Fit, trim, confident in his power base, and above all well-rested following a four-week, three-day vacation at his Crawford ranch, President Bush is currently in the prime of his presidential form, pundits say.

April Comes To A Close

WASHINGTON, DC—Experts at the Naval Observatory report that April, as it has every year at this time since records were kept, is progressing to an end.

Deep Fruit Revealed To Be Charles Nelson Reilly

NEW YORK—The identity of Deep Fruit, the source that brought down a studio audience in the Waterblank scandal in 1973, was revealed to be actor and Match Game panelist Charles Nelson Reilly, in an article published in Vanity Fair today.

Tracking Bush's Approval Rating

In 2005, the nation's confidence in President Bush reached an all-time low. What are the events that triggered the most significant changes in his approval rating?

Prince Charles Weds Longtime Horse

LONDON—After a very public, highly scrutinized courtship, Prince Charles wed his horse of over three decades in a quiet civil ceremony at the Guildhall in Windsor Sunday.

Brain-Dead Americans Defend Brain-Dead Florida Woman

PINELLAS PARK, FL—The plight of Terri Schiavo, whose brain, according to doctors, has been mostly "non-sentient" and "liquids in suspension" since her heart stopped for five minutes in February of 1990, has come to the attention of Americans whose brains have been mostly sentiment and superstition for most of their lives.

Michael Jackson's Reputation For Punctuality In Ruins

SANTA BARBARA, CA (Mar. 11)—Michael Jackson, the one-time "King Of Pop," had his well-established reputation for punctuality tarnished Friday when he arrived late to face charges that he touched a child inappropriately in 2003.

Media Ignores Cancer Struggle Of Champion Unicyclist

KEY WEST, FL (July 26)—While seven-time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong's battle with cancer has been well-covered in the media, his counterpart in the more insular world of unicycling has garnered very little attention.

Bush Elected President Of Iraq

BAGHDAD—In a vast outpouring of gratitude to the man they call "Our Great Savior From The West," the people of Iraq flooded the polls during yesterday's first free elections, voting overwhelmingly for President George W. Bush as their first democratically elected leader.

Cloned Cheney Lacks Charm Of Original

WASHINGTON, DC (May 4)—According to Beltway insiders, the new adult clone of Dick Cheney, recently created and accelerated to replace the ailing vice president, lacks the unique style and gruff charm of the original.

Theory Of Intelligent School-Board Design Disproven

DOVER, PA—The controversial "theory of intelligent school-board design," which holds that local school boards are "imbued by their creator with minds of irreducible complexity," was decisively disproven by the actions of the Dover School Board this week.

North Korea Nukes Self In Desperate Plea For Attention

PYONGYANG—Frustrated that its megalomaniacal outbursts no longer inspire fear and panic in the international community, the nation of North Korea detonated all six of its nuclear warheads early Thursday morning, killing 32 million in what international observers are calling "a pathetic bid for attention."
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Saturn Probe To Be Biggest Story Of The Year

PASADENA, CA—A mere two weeks into the New Year, already what will undoubtedly be the biggest story of the year will have taken place: the upcoming Jan. 14 landing of the Huygens space probe on Titan, Saturn's immense moon. "The probe could impart invaluable clues about the evolution of our own planet, as Titan is the only moon in our solar system with a fully developed atmosphere," Jet Propulsion Laboratory spokesperson Dr. Gregory Bloom said. "Meanwhile, the Cassini orbiter will continue to photograph Saturn's other moons throughout the year, delivering what will assuredly be dazzling views, and possibly revealing more lunar atmospheres, or even new moons. It's exhilarating to be living in these incredible times." Asked whether the spacecraft's four-year tour of the Saturnian system might tell us more about how Saturn's rings were formed, Bloom became coy, saying, "You'll just have to wait until May, when Cassini will begin using radio occultation to estimate the size-distribution of ring particles."