Raccoons Force Garage Band Into Attic
GREENVILLE, NC—The increasingly aggressive invaders proved resistant to power chords, mothballs, and flying drumsticks.
Issue 4213
Sitcom Writer On Deathbed Thinks Of All The Zany Plots He'll Never Write
BURBANK, CA—Joey Kaplan of CBS's Still Standing regrets not spending more time with his characters, "especially the kids."
Two Hipsters Angrily Call Each Other 'Hipster'
AUSTIN, TX—An argument between local hipsters Dan Walters and Brian Guterman has devolved to the point where each is angrily calling the other...
Alternative-Medicine Practitioner Refuses Alternative Method Of Payment
PORTLAND, OR—Alternative-medicine practitioner Annabeth Severin, a Portland-area acupuncturist and holistic healer, announced Tuesday that she...
Joel Siegel 'Absolutely Loved' Dream He Had Last Night
NEW YORK—Good Morning America film critic Joel Siegel "absolutely loved" the dream he had last night, he announced today. "A breathtaking...
Science-Fiction Novel Posits Future Where Characters Are Hastily Sketched
OREGON CITY, OR—Science fiction author Morgan Richards announced Monday completion of his long-awaited novel, Zeppelins Of Phobos. The...
March 28, 1983
Nancy Reagan Ends Nation's Drug Problem with Very Special Diff'rent Strokes Appearance
WWE: Illegal Mexican Wrestlers Taking Smackdowns American Wrestlers Don't Want
STAMFORD, CT—Vince McMahon praised the immigrants for enduring "grueling, bone-crunching maneuvers" that domestic wrestlers shun.
Steinbrenner Names Johnny Damon As New Yankee Scapegoat
NEW YORK—Continuing a Yankee tradition that dates back to the teams of the early '80s, owner George Steinbrenner formally appointed recently signed centerfielder Johnny ...
George Mason Player Upsets Mother With Last-Second Long-Distance Call From Way Downtown
INDIANAPOLIS—George Mason reserve point guard Roland Farragut chalked up a stunning upset of his mother Wednesday night when he made a...
Bruins Offer Coaching, Front-Office, Playing Position To Ray Bourque
BOSTON—Citing continued leadership problems at the executive and strategic levels, as well as the fact that they could use a little help on...
Scheduling Error Leads To First-Ever NCAA Final Five
INDIANAPOLIS—NCAA basketball championship organizers are scrambling to explain how multiple scheduling and selection errors have resulted in...
A.J. Pierzynski Predicts He Will Lead League In Offensiveness
CHICAGO—Although he has already built a reputation as one of the most offensive players in the game, White Sox catcher A.J. Pierzynski said...
Chief Of Staff Resigns
White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card resigned yesterday. What do you think?
33 Injured In Airbus Evacuation Drill
33 participants were injured Sunday in an evacuation drill of the new Airbus super-jumbo jet. What do you think?
Graceland Designated A National Landmark
Graceland, the home of Elvis Presley, was recently designated a National Historic Landmark by the U.S. Department of Interior. What do you...
Abramoff Gets 70 Months
Corrupt lobbyist Jack Abramoff was sentenced to 70 months in prison for his role in defrauding Indian tribes, tax evasion, and conspiracy to bribe...
Naomi Campbell Assaults Maid
Supermodel Naomi Campbell was arrested for throwing a phone at a housekeeper, making this her third assault accusation to date. What do you...
