adBlockCheck

Secretary Of Transportation Reports He Was Just About To Say That

Top Headlines

Issue 4214

Earth Passed Over For Invasion

BETA QUADRANT, ZGYXA—Nearly 200,000 hostile aliens from the planet Zgyxa skipped invading Earth Monday, saying it "does not seem worth the...

Detroit Sold For Scrap

DETROIT—Mayor Kwame M. Kilpatrick decided to "act now, while we can still get a little something for it."
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close