New 'Anti-Abortion Pill' Kills Mother, Leaves Fetus Alive
NEW YORK—UR-86 is intended only for situations in which the mind-set or politics of the mother threatens the life of the fetus.
Issue 4219
Hormel Makes Compelling Case For Man's Last $2.39
DOVER, NH—The chili's versatility has propelled it past Tombstone and Top Ramen.
Mr. Special Foreign Man Won't Read Anything Not Written In His Own Language
CHICAGO—The Greek has his foreign newspaper air-mailed here rather than read the good old Chicago Tribune.
High-Culture Wars Heat Up Over Controversial New Opera
NEW YORK—Proponents of family-themed high art fired another salvo in the high-culture wars Monday, saying the new opera Darwin: Origin,...
Congressman Fucks Own Wife Out Of Political Necessity
WASHINGTON, DC—Seeking reelection in 2008, Rep. Lloyd Doggett (D-TX) will limit himself to sexual activity with his wife, Libby. "I love my...
Sherpa Can Already Tell You're Not Going To Make It
ANNAPURNA BASE CAMP, NEPAL— Lobsang Dorjee, the Nepalese Sherpa you hired for $45 a day to help you climb one of the 10 most dangerous...
347 Locals Identify Slain Prostitute
VERONA, WI—The body of a woman found strangled behind Zurbachen's Truck Stop last week was positively identified as convicted prostitute Sandy...
May 13, 1932
Cute Little Mouse Crushed to Death by Petting
Roger Clemens' Family Offers Him One-Year, $10 Million Contract
HOUSTON—Representatives from the Clemens family met with the star pitcher over an informal dinner Tuesday evening to discuss the possibility of keeping Roger Clemens ...
Bruins Sign Future Flyers All-Star To Three-Year Deal
BOSTON—The Bruins agreed to terms Monday with 2005 second-round draft pick Petr Kalus, signing him to a three-year contract that NHL...
Spurs Issue Press Release Announcing Their Elimination of Kings
SAN ANTONIO—In a move typical of the style that has made them famous league-wide, the San Antonio Spurs issued a brief press release Tuesday...
Jim Leyland Accused Of Jumping On Tigers Bandwagon
DETROIT—Friends and associates of the American League manager say that, even though Jim Leyland had never rooted for the Detroit Tigers prior...
Steve Nash Calls Second Consecutive MVP Award 'Some Kind Of Sick Joke'
PHOENIX—Upon receiving his second straight MVP award on Monday, Phoenix Suns point guard Steve Nash accused the NBA of "being out to make a...
Kennedy Re-Enters Rehab
After a 3:00 AM car accident in downtown Washington, DC, representative Patrick Kennedy (D-RI) returned to a rehab clinic in Minnesota for treatment....
Iran's President Offers Advice
Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad sent President Bush an 18-page letter of suggestions for resolving current international issues. What do...
Drug Tested On Children
A recently uncovered study revealed that pharmaceutical giant Pfizer tested an unapproved meningitis drug on children in Nigeria without their...
U.S. Infant-Mortality High
In a survey of 33 industrialized nations, the United States was shown to have the second-worst infant-mortality rate. What do you think?
CIA Nominee Violated Privacy
Michael Hayden, Bush's nominee to head the CIA, has recently been implicated in the NSA's controversial collection of private phone records. What do...
