Sony Unveils New Model Customer
NEW YORK—The 34-year-old, unmarried "Steve" can watch up to 12 hours of high-definition sports programming a day.
Issue 4224
Surgeon General Issues Report On Dangers Of Secondhand Fire
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Senior citizens with brittle skin and young children are the most at risk.
Pope Makes First Papal Visit To Six Flags
EUREKA, MO—Benedict granted a private audience to dignitaries Elmer Fudd and Yosemite Sam at the Moose Burger Lodge in DC Comics Plaza.
Parole Board Swayed By Reverse Psychology
JOLIET, IL—The men and women of the Illinois state parole board responded to carefully calculated claims of remorselessness and probable...
Mad Lit Professor Puts Finishing Touches On Bloomsday Device
DUBLIN—Professor Hanlon O'Faolin, once called "mad" at the Royal Irish Academy for attempting to reanimate the traditional body of Celtic...
Fiona Apple Song Reminds Girl To Be Depressed
LOS ANGELES—Her mood dangerously optimistic at the end of the school year, teenager Christine Lowell was reminded of the need to assume a...
Iran Ready To Talk About How Awesome Nuclear Program Is
TEHRAN—As international tension builds over Iran's decision to continue refining and enriching uranium, Foreign Ministry spokesman Hamid...
June 13, 1967
National Guard Mobilized For Integration of Negro Into Supreme Court
Devastated By U.S. World Cup Team's First-Round Loss, Nation Grinds To Halt
NEW YORK, LOS ANGELES, and WASHINGTON, DC—With the Dow Jones average down over 600 points, factory productivity in a downward spiral, and workplace attendance ...
Phil Mickelson's U.S. Open Strategy Includes Telling Loud, Touching Stories About Living Father
MAMARONECK, NY—Phil Mickelson has fine-tuned his entire game for this week's U.S. Open at Winged Foot by preparing over 20 warm, folksy...
Justin Gatlin: 'Under The Right Conditions, I Can Run The 100 In 3.2 seconds'
RALEIGH, NC—American sprinter Justin Gatlin recently announced that he can easily surpass his own world record in the 100 meters (9.77...
Home Depot Criticized For Pledging $10 Billion To American Cancer Society For Every Padres Home Run
SAN DIEGO—Home Depot has come under fire from cancer patients, baseball fans, and Padres players for the company's recent "heartless and...
Mackey Sasser: 'Hey Everybody, Look At Me, I Took Steroids—I'm Mackey Sasser And I Took Steroids'
NEW YORK—Former Mets catcher Mackey Sasser called an impromptu press conference last night to inform the public that he, too, has taken...
AIDS Turns 25
HIV/AIDS was first described in the medical journal Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report 25 years ago this month. What do you think?
No Charges For Rove
Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald informed Karl Rove that he will not face charges over his role in the outing of a CIA agent Valerie Plame ...
National Meat Surplus
Pork profits are substantially lower than last year because of a massive meat surplus. What do you think?
Gates To Leave Microsoft
Bill Gates announced that he will be giving up his duties in the day-to-day operations of Microsoft in 2008. What do you think?
Whaling Ban Nearly Killed
Led by strong opposition from Japan, the body that governs commercial whaling came close to overturning the 20-year-old ban on the practice. What do...
