Prohibitively High Rocket-Fuel Prices Bring Mideast Crisis To Standstill
BEIRUT, LEBANON—Lines at the pump extended for miles as frustrated Hezbollah soldiers waited for hours to fill up their Katushyas and Qassam-2s.
Issue 4232
New Oliver Stone 9/11 Film Introduces 'Single Plane' Theory
NEW YORK—The controversial new film throws previous theories of multiple planes into serious doubt.
Condoleezza Rice Holds Bathtime Talks With Undersea Representatives
WASHINGTON, DC—Delegates worked out a new cease-splash agreement and broke an impasse on temperature reform.
Executive Reschedules Wife's Birthday For October
ST. LOUIS—Citing crucial budget meetings, the rollout of a seasonal ad blitz, and several can't-miss golf games, Hewlett–Packard...
Loud Fake Laugh Misinterpreted As Loud Real Laugh In Critical Sarcasm Miscalculation
DAYTON, OH—Confusion and awkwardness are still being felt after a boisterous guffaw intended to convey sarcastic dismissal of a comment was...
Wounded Marine: Friendly-Fire Bullets Hurt That Much More
WASHINGTON, DC—Recovering at Walter Reed Army Medical Center in Washington after taking multiple rifle rounds in his thigh and hip in an...
Area Man To Attend Grad School To Find A Girlfriend
ANN ARBOR, MI—Citing a lack of opportunities after a year in the outside world, Jacobean drama student Mark Griffin has decided to return to...
No Leads Sought In Asshole's Murder
BROOKLYN, NY—The New York Police Department released a statement today confirming its intention to ignore the brutal slaying of local...
Aug. 10, 1945
Nagasaki Bombed 'Just for the Hell of it'
Ozzie Guillen Fined $10,000 For What He Just Thought
CHICAGO—MLB disciplinary officials announced that Ozzie Guillen would be fined $10,000 and ordered to undergo sensitivity psychoanalysis for the "irresponsible, offensive, and completely ...
Ailing Buck O'Neil Fails To Gain Admission To Hospital
KANSAS CITY—A fatigue-stricken Buck O'Neil, the 94-year-old former Negro Leagues star, is going to be forced to spend another year patiently...
Troy Aikman Becomes First Robot Inducted Into Pro Football Hall Of Fame
CANTON, OH—Troy Aikman, the blond, blue-sensored humanoid robot who led the Dallas Cowboys to three Super Bowls in his 12-year period of...
Outgoing Commissioner Tagliabue Expected To Pardon Dennis Miller Before Leaving Office
NEW YORK—Although Paul Tagliabue will not address speculation concerning possible forgiveness of former color commentator Dennis Miller's...
Castro Passes Pitching Duties To Brother While Undergoing Tommy John Surgery
HAVANA—After struggling all year with control problems possibly related to his radical delivery, lefty Cuban hurler Fidel Castro has placed...
Ohio Candidate Calls It Quits
Congressman Bob Ney, who is under investigation for his dealings with lobbyist Jack Abramoff, has abandoned his campaign for reelection. What do...
Lieberman Defeated in Primary
Challenger Ned Lamont narrowly defeated conservative incumbent Joe Lieberman in the Connecticut Democratic primary. What do you think?
New Terror Plot Stopped
The country's aviation system is on high orange alert after officials broke up an al Qaeda plot to blow set off homemade bombs on ...
Texas Penguin Truck Accident
Last week, a truck carrying exotic fish, penguins, and an octopus overturned on a Texas highway, spilling its cargo. What do you think?
Pluto Not A Planet?
Scientists from around the world are convening this week to decide whether or not Pluto fits the definition of a planet. What do you think?
