WASHINGTON, DC—The newly elected Speaker of the House accused fellow congressmen of being "distant" and "merely placating" her.

NEW YORK—A series of brightly colored and inoffensive ad campaigns will also target the key fuckbrain and asshat market segments.

LUSAKA, ZAMBIA—None of the blood that filled our streets nor the carnage that choked our cities could have prepared us for these pathetic annual ...

WASHINGTON, DC—Secretary of the Interior Dirk Kempthorne announced yesterday that, in order to deal with a growing population that just...

VATICAN CITY—According to various cardinals and nuns attending the Vatican's holiday party last night, festivities were made awkward by the...

ATLANTA—A Craigslist personal advertising a "Hot WM Looking 4 Same – 28" was accidentally responded to this Monday by its author,...

NEW YORK—Philip Morris, the largest manufacturer of tobacco products in the United States, released the first in a series of television...

NEW YORK—An informal study of U.S. citizens has revealed that a recent Wednesday, specifically November 29, was intuitively and subliminally...

SAN FRANCISCO—An otherwise unremarkable game of Battleship, the time-honored naval-themed contest of double-blind coordinate prediction,...

The Baker Study Group recently released their report on new Iraq strategies. Here are the some of America's options for Iraq currently on the...

FDR Rummages Through Parents' House to 'See if There's Anything in There America Could Use'

COLUMBUS, OH—In what many BCS officials are citing as "proof that their flawless system indeed works," no Division 1-A college football team was found ...

SAN FRANCISCO—In a sparsely attended press conference Monday, veteran left-fielder Barry Bonds, son of former Giants great Bobby Bonds,...

ORLANDO—Injury-prone Orlando Magic forward Grant Hill announced yesterday that he has scheduled season-ending surgery despite being in the...

DETROIT—Jubilant Lions fans, players, and coaches alike continue to ride the wave of good feelings and positive thinking that began after...

ORLANDO, FL—Calling it "the best decision [he's] ever made," Tiger Woods adopted 11-year-old orphan Randy Gearhardt last week so he would...

John Bolton, the American delegate to the UN, will step down when the current term runs out. What do you think?

At least 65 people in New York and New Jersey have fallen ill after eating at Taco Bell restaurants. What do you think?

People magazine reports that Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn have broken up. What do you think?

Vice President Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter Mary is pregnant. What do you think?

Chilean dictator Augusto Pinochet died Sunday at 91. What do you think?