BRISTOL, CT—Sports broadcasting giant ESPN, whose programming has long been a staple among male television viewers of all ages, made its first foray into women's sports programming with the introduction of the World's Emotionally Strongest Man Competition Monday.
RUTLAND, VTCoworkers of administrative assistant Audrey Foss, 28, reported Monday that she is "very sensitive" about that thing on the right side of her face. "Whenever you talk to Audrey, she'll sort of tilt her head away from you, or if she's sitting down, she'll cup her hand over her cheek," said Marcia Doland, Foss' supervisor at Rutland Heating and Cooling. "You can tell she's really self-conscious about that...well, whatever it is. She shouldn't be." In an informal office poll, nearly all of her coworkers agreed that Foss is pretty, even with the thing.
SALEM, OR—Kimberly Jones, 43, vividly remembers the bygone days when she took umbrage at being pursued by aggressive suitors, sources reported Monday. "I was quite the looker back in college—I couldn't even go out for a few drinks with my girlfriends without some guy macking on me," Jones said from the kitchen of her one-bedroom apartment. "That used to really piss me off for some reason I can no longer even begin to fathom. Maybe my memory is starting to go." Jones then gazed longingly into her cup of tea.
Knowledge is power. In this competitive, male-dominated world, a woman must take advantage of all the resources at her disposal. Luckily, I found a way to take the idea that men and women should be socially, politically, and economically equal, and make it work for me. Now I'm subverting the dominant paradigm—and raking in the benefits!
LUBBOCK, TX—Two weeks into his new job driving an 18-wheeler for the Harper Red Line, trucker Billy Ray Coogan, 23, still talks frequently with his mother on his CB radio. "Breaker 1-9, Mother Hen, this here's Red Rooster, come on," said an obviously nervous Coogan. "Are you sand-bagging, Mother Hen? 'Cause the boss man's got me hauling a dead-head to Abilene, and I'm a little nervous. I...I could really use some company, 10-4." Coogan went on to say that if his mother would just say the word, he'd do a flip-flop and put the hammer down to be back home in the short-short, in time for dinner.
BAKERSFIELD, CA—Local Target cashier Lori Spelmann, 23, told coworker Marsha Kimball about her weekend Monday using a winding sentence to facilitate omission of the word "boyfriend." "I didn't get home until late because my friend who is the guy I've been hanging out with a lot for the last five or so weeks locked his keys in his car," Spelmann told Kimball in the Target breakroom. Other words and phrases Spelmann managed to avoid during the run-on sentence included "went on a date," "relationship," and "had sex."
MALIBU, CA–According to reports, Consuela Rodriguez, 41, nanny of Sara Denton, has appeared in more of the 6-year-old's crayon drawings than her own mother. "Here's a picture of me and Consuela at the zoo," Sara said Tuesday. "And here's me and Consuela at the park, and us eating at McDonald's. And this one is me and Consuela as ballerinas, and this one is me and Consuela having a picnic with SpongeBob. And here's one of Mommy in her car, driving to work." Sara's mother could not be reached for comment.
DENVER—Trying to show empathy, Marilyn Rossum, 42, informed coworker and recently diagnosed breast-cancer patient Georgia Anderson, 40, that she participated in a breast-cancer walk-a-thon in 2001. "Oh, Georgia, I'm so sorry," Rossum told Anderson upon hearing the news Monday. "A few years back, I did the Avon Walk For Breast Cancer, and there were so many brave women like you who were afflicted or survivors, and it was just so moving." Rossum added that her efforts raised nearly $80 for breast-cancer research.
MEMPHIS, TN— Despite claims that Bruce Wilkinson's The Prayer Of Jabez: Breaking Through To The Blessed Life, "totally changed [her] worldview," payroll secretary Brenda Haskell is the same shallow, distracted person she has always been. "Yeah, ever since reading it, she's really been elevated to a higher, more profound spiritual plane," coworker Stephanie Roule said. "I guess that's the spiritual plane where you spend all day obsessing over your nails."
JACKSONVILLE, FL—Area resident Roberta Pearle clarified Monday that, while it may look like she is yelling at you, she is actually just saying. "I'm not yelling at you," Pearle explained. "I'm just saying. You know, so you'll know." Pearle then loudly reiterated that she is not yelling. "I'm not," she said.
GHAZNI, AFGHANISTAN—Outraged by the recent loosening of dress codes in her country, burqa wearer Uliya Salah condemned fellow Afghani Raheela Asaad Monday for appearing in public wearing an upper-face-revealing chador.
WESTWOOD, CA–Mandy King, whose quiet, distant manner has led many people to believe she is shy, is actually just an aloof, stuck-up bitch, friends of the 22-year-old reported Monday. "When you meet Mandy, your first impression is that she's a private person who's only at ease with people once she gets to know them," friend and roommate Alison Henke said. "That's not it at all: She'll only deign to talk to a select group of people who are worth her precious time and attention."
NUTLEY, NJ–Area resident Megan McNally unequivocally stated Monday that she "never, ever, not even once" said that she hates your old college friend Jason Wheeler, asserting that it was you who said she hates him. "I merely asked if Jason was still planning to crash on our brand-new couch and eat all our food for a couple of days while he's in town," McNally said. "Then you asked me why I don't like him." McNally said she cannot say whether or not she likes Wheeler because she simply doesn't know him well enough, because whenever he visits, she hardly sees him, since the two of you spend the entire time at the bars.
ST. LOUIS–According to 4-year-old Ashley Theiss, Mommy is not moving. Mommy, a 36-year-old St. Louis-area pretty lady, has reportedly been sleeping on the dining-room floor ever since eating all of her little pills Monday. Though she had been rendered immobile on numerous previous occasions after being hit with Daddy-wielded chairs, Mommy has never before gone to sleep for such a long period of time.
SCRANTON, PA–Jodi Eckhardt, 15, and her mother Colleen covertly communicated a top-secret menses-related message across the dinner table Monday, averting the suspicion of the three male Eckhardts seated at the table. "What's wrong, Jodi?" asked Colleen, noticing her daughter's uneaten chimichanga casserole. "Does your stomach hurt this week?" "Yeah," Jodi replied sullenly. "And we're in our swimming unit in gym, too." Colleen excused her daughter from the table and, getting her purse from the counter, produced a bottle of pills, stealthily shielding the label from Marc, 14, and David, 11.
CHEEKTOWAGA, NY—Anger was the order of the day Tuesday, when area resident Gwen McCullers, 41, reacted angrily to husband Craig's insinuation that she was angry. Sources report that real anger over an inexpensive, thoughtless anniversary gift surfaced in the form of thinly veiled mock anger on the part of Gwen, who suggested to Craig that "another goddamn cheap beaded car seat" would be a suitable gift for his mother's 70th birthday. Gwen's veiled anger, which she disguised as mock anger, turned to openly displayed real anger when Craig responded, "What? You said you didn't want to make a big deal out of the anniversary." After 15 minutes of discussing the various complexities, emotional underpinnings and larger implications of the previous discussion, both parties walked off angrily. "I was just pretending to be angry as a little joke," Gwen said angrily.
WARNER ROBINS, GA—All 217 books on the shelves of area resident Renee Streed are somehow related to coping, it was reported Tuesday. "I really like the M. Scott Peck books," the 51-year-old Streed said. "And, of course, Susan Jeffers is always terrific, and so is Dr. Laura. I also love the entire Chicken Soup For The Soul series and Richard Carlson's Don't Sweat The Small Stuff." Streed is currently coping with menopause, empty-nest syndrome, workplace communication breakdowns, depression, living on a budget, the loss of a parent, impending retirement, the loss of a pet, long-distance grandparenting, depression, stress and weight gain.
MONROE, MI–Farmer Jack cashier Brenda Herman confirmed the authenticity of her fingernails Tuesday, telling customer Courtney Klapisch that "they're totally real." "They're all mine–I've been growing them for three and a half weeks now," said the 24-year-old Herman, carefully ringing in Klapisch's grocery items with a pencil to avoid breaking the impressively long, fuschia-colored nails. "I do a daily application of Maybelline Express Finish nail strengthener and a top coat of Revivánail. I also get a weekly French manicure at Peggy's Nail Hut." Herman, who complements her nails with large gold rings on each finger, said she hopes to add a diagonal metallic glitter stripe to the nails in the near future.
FT. WAYNE, IN—Patricia Templeton, a 54-year-old Ft. Wayne big-hair lady, loves Jesus, it was learned Monday. "I do love my Lord Jesus with all my heart and soul," said Templeton, her head wobbling under a mountainous heap of teased, heavily sprayed hair. "He's up there looking out for me, as sure as I'm talking to you." Other people loved by the colossally coiffed Templeton include her three grandchildren, daytime-television personality Kathie Lee Gifford, and fellow big-hair lady Jan Crouch of Trinity Broadcasting Network.
In an interview with The New Yorker earlier today, White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci leveled harsh criticism against the FBI and members of the Trump administration. The Onion fact-checks Scaramucci’s claims.