OLYMPIA, WA—Slightly paunchy, thin-haired Robert Pelton, 27, is just like a brother to area musician Tara Leland, the attractive blonde said Monday.

ANNAPOLIS, MD–In times of crisis, local neurotic Beth Haller is thankful to have a support network to turn to: her group of equally neurotic ...

CLEARWATER, FL—Joanna Hoff admitted that she got on "the coffee train" to help meet the demands of a hectic lifestyle.

GHAZNI, AFGHANISTAN—Outraged by the recent loosening of dress codes in her country, burqa wearer Uliya Salah condemned fellow Afghani Raheela Asaad Monday for appearing ...

OBERLIN, OH—Clothes shopping, once considered a mundane act with no sociopolitical implications, is now a bold feminist statement.

SCHAUMBURG, IL—Foster parent Laurene Talley is a total cunt who always has to get into everyone else's business, 14-year-old Kristen Wenc reported Monday.

CHICAGO—The season premiere of The Oprah Winfrey Show unleashed a surprise for viewers Monday, when host Winfrey presented her studio audience with an unexpected ...

SCHENECTADY, NY—Virginia Quigley will soon long for the day when her daughter inflicted nothing more than postpartum hemorrhaging.

NEW YORK—UR-86 is intended only for situations in which the mind-set or politics of the mother threatens the life of the fetus.

ROCKFORD, IL—Anna Sampson was unaware that her son has, on three occasions this week, dunked Wendy's chicken nuggets in a Frosty shake and ...

CARUTHERSVILLE, MO—Through thick and thin, one thing keeps Glenn Osteen upbeat, no matter how many times he has to punch his wife: laughter.

WASHINGTON, DC—Though officials are vague about what year NOW was founded, they do say a women's organization is only as old as it ...

FT. WAYNE, IN—Patricia Templeton, a 54-year-old Ft. Wayne big-hair lady, loves Jesus, it was learned Monday. "I do love my Lord Jesus with all ...

MONROE, MI–Farmer Jack cashier Brenda Herman confirmed the authenticity of her fingernails Tuesday, telling customer Courtney Klapisch that "they're totally real." "They're ...

WARNER ROBINS, GA—All 217 books on the shelves of area resident Renee Streed are somehow related to coping, it was reported Tuesday. "I really ...

CHEEKTOWAGA, NY—Anger was the order of the day Tuesday, when area resident Gwen McCullers, 41, reacted angrily to husband Craig's insinuation that she ...

SCRANTON, PA–Jodi Eckhardt, 15, and her mother Colleen covertly communicated a top-secret menses-related message across the dinner table Monday, averting the suspicion of the ...

ST. LOUIS–According to 4-year-old Ashley Theiss, Mommy is not moving. Mommy, a 36-year-old St. Louis-area pretty lady, has reportedly been sleeping on the dining-room ...

NUTLEY, NJ–Area resident Megan McNally unequivocally stated Monday that she "never, ever, not even once" said that she hates your old college friend Jason ...

WESTWOOD, CA–Mandy King, whose quiet, distant manner has led many people to believe she is shy, is actually just an aloof, stuck-up bitch, friends ...

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Area resident Roberta Pearle clarified Monday that, while it may look like she is yelling at you, she is actually just saying. "I ...

MEMPHIS, TN— Despite claims that Bruce Wilkinson's The Prayer Of Jabez: Breaking Through To The Blessed Life, "totally changed [her] worldview," payroll secretary Brenda ...

DENVER—Trying to show empathy, Marilyn Rossum, 42, informed coworker and recently diagnosed breast-cancer patient Georgia Anderson, 40, that she participated in a breast-cancer walk-a-thon ...

MALIBU, CA–According to reports, Consuela Rodriguez, 41, nanny of Sara Denton, has appeared in more of the 6-year-old's crayon drawings than her own ...

PORTAGE, MI–Soaking in her bathtub Tuesday, area resident Linda Marston, 32, pleasured herself over the thought of a long-term committed relationship. "Mmmm... oh, yeah ...

BAKERSFIELD, CA—Local Target cashier Lori Spelmann, 23, told coworker Marsha Kimball about her weekend Monday using a winding sentence to facilitate omission of the ...

LUBBOCK, TX—Two weeks into his new job driving an 18-wheeler for the Harper Red Line, trucker Billy Ray Coogan, 23, still talks frequently with ...

SALEM, OR—Kimberly Jones, 43, vividly remembers the bygone days when she took umbrage at being pursued by aggressive suitors, sources reported Monday. "I was ...

RUTLAND, VT—Coworkers of administrative assistant Audrey Foss, 28, reported Monday that she is "very sensitive" about that thing on the right side of her ...

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a Department of Labor report on job retraining, 21 percent of American women are training to be yoga instructors,...

HOUSTON—Banker Robert "Rob Boy" Grelman expressed annoyance with his wife Janet Monday, saying she consistently involves him in her marital problems.

PORTLAND, OR—Clarissa Nantz, a clothing buyer for Nordstrom's and a coffee-shop regular, broke her own record for judgmental behavior when...

BRISTOL, CT—Sports broadcasting giant ESPN, whose programming has long been a staple among male television viewers of all ages, made its first foray into ...

The Onion News Network's Brian Scott reports on a popular new Gap clothing line hand-sewn by children overseas.

The Christian Democrat Party's Angela Merkel has been elected chancellor of Germany, the first woman to hold that post. What do you think?

Women's groups are pressuring Wal-Mart to change their policy and start carrying the morning-after Pill. What do you think?

The Supreme Court of New York ruled that insurance coverage for employees of the Catholic Church must include contraception. What do you...

A recent study claims that men are just as likely to be compulsive shoppers as women. What do you think?

A team of Manhattan doctors is planning the first-ever uterus transplant. What do you think?