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Modern-Day Martin Luther Nails 95 Comment Cards To IHOP Door

• Dog Breeders Issue Massive Recall Of '07 Pugs

  ISSUE 43•21 | 05.23.07 | News

  WASHINGTON, DC—While pug owners are accustomed to chronic dog malfunction, the latest animals are prone to more than the usual overheating, seizures, and joint failure. more»

  

• Nation Mobilizes For Beautiful Weekend

  ISSUE 43•21 | 05.25.07 | News

  NEW YORK—"It may mean sacrificing TV shows and even chores, but we cannot sit idly by as this gorgeous weather rolls in," said one resident, checking multiple forecasts. more»

  

• In Need Of Dedication, Yearbook Staff Sacrifices Homecoming King

  ISSUE 43•21 | 05.26.07 | News

  ALBANY, NY—˜The decision to drug Edwards and push his car off a cliff came after a year void of fatal bus crashes, teacher death, and other rich yearbook dedication material. more»

  

• Area Man Somehow Roped Into Arguing Passionately For Green Day

  ISSUE 43•21 | 05.21.07 | News in Brief

  YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Though he admitted he hasn't listened to the band in 10 years, tech-support specialist Jonathan Meagher, 25, somehow found... more»

• Guinness Forced To Recognize Bigger Record Book

  ISSUE 43•21 | 05.22.07 | News in Brief

  LONDON—Once thought to be the most definitive reference of its kind, Guinness World Records was forced to formally recognize The... more»

• Study: 38 Percent Of People Not Actually Entitled To Their Opinion

  ISSUE 43•21 | 05.23.07 | News in Brief

  CHICAGO—In a surprising refutation of the conventional wisdom on opinion entitlement, a study conducted by the University of Chicago's... more»

• Employee's Multitasking Doesn't Include Work

  ISSUE 43•21 | 05.24.07 | News in Brief

  PHOENIX—Though 27-year-old paralegal Pete Gossling prides himself on his ability to efficiently accomplish numerous tasks at once, none of... more»

• Amazing Medical Discovery To Add Years Of Fish-Oil Consumption To Man's Life

  ISSUE 43•21 | 05.25.07 | News in Brief

  ORLAND, IN—Amazing new medical findings concerning the cholesterol-regulating properties of omega-3 fatty acids could offer Indiana resident... more»

• Bush's New 'War Czar'

  ISSUE 43•21 | 05.23.07 | Infographic

  President Bush has appointed Lt. Gen. Douglas Lute as "war czar." What will Lute's duties entail? Living high... more»

  

• Your Horoscope

  ISSUE 43•21 | 05.23.07 | Horoscope

• What Are We Yelling At Chicks From Our Cars?

  ISSUE 43•21 | 05.23.07 | Statshot

  

• Nation's Wood Nymphs Unveil Plan To Reduce Dependance On Foreign Dew Drops

  ISSUE 43•21 | 05.22.07 | Radio News

• Fate Of Soul Uncertain After Mid-Baptismal Drowning

  ISSUE 43•21 | 05.23.07 | Radio News

• Fraternity Brother Forced To Find Asshole Friends In Real World

  ISSUE 43•21 | 05.24.07 | Radio News

• Armless Fiancée Shows Off Engagement Hat

  ISSUE 43•21 | 05.25.07 | Radio News

• Dog Experiences Best Day Of Life For 400th Consecutive Day

  ISSUE 43•21 | 05.26.07 | Radio News

• Detroit Tourism Board's 'Hidden Detroit' Campaign Results In 24 Deaths

  ISSUE 43•21 | 05.27.07 | Radio News

• Brain Sacrifices Survival Instinct To Make Room For Jingle

  ISSUE 43•21 | 05.28.07 | Radio News

• Ohio State Uses T-Shirt Blaster To Pass Out Diplomas

  ISSUE 43•21 | 05.22.07 | News in Photos

  

• Sharon Stone Auctioned Off To German Conglomerate

  ISSUE 43•21 | 05.23.07 | News in Photos

  

• Jesus Is My Health Insurance

  ISSUE 43•21 | 05.23.07 | Commentary

  I tell you, people these days have lost their faith. Everybody's turning to the television or drugs or the government to solve their problems,... more»

• If Wanting To See Vaginas Is A Crime, Then I, Your Honor, Am Guilty

  ISSUE 43•21 | 05.23.07 | Commentary

  I stand before you today accused of wrongdoing, with my reputation called into question before the entire community. But in truth, I am no more... more»

• May 20, 1902

  ISSUE 43•21 | 05.21.07 | History

  Lady Liberty's Spanish Menace Returns For Revenge more»

  

• Coping With Shit

  ISSUE 43•21 | 05.25.07 | Sunday Magazine

  

• Editorial Cartoon - May 25, 2007

  ISSUE 43•21 | 05.25.07 | Editorial Cartoon

  

• Roger Goodell Tightens Code Of Conduct After NFL Players Break His Priceless Vase

  ISSUE 43•21 | 05.24.07 | Sports News

  JAMESTOWN, NY— NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announced in a press conference yesterday that the NFL Code of Conduct would be tightened further after several NFL players blatantly disobeyed the league's long-standing policy of not playing... more»

  

• Carl Lewis, Michael Johnson Argue Over Who Has To Wear Back End Of Curlin Costume For Belmont Stakes

  ISSUE 43•21 | 05.24.07 | Sports News in Brief

  BALTIMORE—During the cool-down lap that followed "Curlin's" victory celebration immediately after the supposed three-year-old won the... more»

• WNBA Apparently Giving It Another Shot

  ISSUE 43•21 | 05.24.07 | Sports News in Brief

  SACRAMENTO—Sports fans nationwide reported feelings of surprise, amusement, and grudging admiration after discovering that the Detroit Shock... more»

• LeBron James Struggles To Name One Cavalier Aside From Himself

  ISSUE 43•21 | 05.24.07 | Sports News in Brief

  CLEVELAND—During a press conference following the first game of the Eastern Conference Semifinals, Cleveland Cavaliers star forward LeBron... more»

• Experts Predict Man Who Plays Once Every Five Days Probably Won't Save Team

  ISSUE 43•21 | 05.24.07 | Sports News in Brief

  NEW YORK—Several leading baseball experts sent shockwaves throughout the sport Monday, making the bold—and some say... more»

  

• Women In Motorsports

  ISSUE 43•52 ISSUE 43•21 | 05.24.07 | Sportsgraphic

  In honor of this year's Indy 500, the first to feature three female drivers, Onion Sports looks at some other great moments for women in motorsports history. more»

  

• Jeff Van Gundy Looking Even Sadder Than Usual

  ISSUE 43•21 | 05.24.07 | Photo Finish

  

• In The Know: War On Terror

  ISSUE 43•21 | 05.24.07 | In The Know

  Our success in the war on terrorism may lead to other problems: Terrorist ghosts. more»

  

• Couric's Ratings Woes

  ISSUE 43•21 | 05.21.07 | American Voices

  Eight months after Katie Couric took over as anchor, The CBS Evening News is a distant third in the nightly news ratings, and last week... more»

• Carter Blasts Bush's Foreign Policy

  ISSUE 43•21 | 05.22.07 | American Voices

  In an interview with the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette, former President Jimmy Carter referred to the Bush administration's foreign policy as the "worst... more»

• Trump Quits The Apprentice

  ISSUE 43•21 | 05.23.07 | American Voices

  Donald Trump, host of the low-rated NBC television series The Apprentice, says he quit abruptly before the network could bump him from the... more»

• Period Suppression Pill OK'd

  ISSUE 43•21 | 05.24.07 | American Voices

  The FDA approved Lybrel, a birth control pill that stops the monthly menstrual cycle altogether. What do you think? more»

• Clinton Dropping Out Of Iowa?

  ISSUE 43•21 | 05.25.07 | American Voices

  An internal memo from from a Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton campaign staffer urged her not to run in the Iowa caucus, stating that she would probably... more»

• Recalled Pugs

  ISSUE 43•21 | 05.23.07 | Slideshow

  

• very_sunny

  Jackpot!

• Three Stooges T-Shirts Available In XXXL Only

• Train Wreck Not That Interesting

• Unmarked VHS Tape Kept 'Just In Case'

• CHARLOTTE, NC—Lorne Garrett was forced to relocate his web design business after another home office romance ended in disaster.

• RAPID CITY, SD—A small group of seniors from Rapid City High School set out with tools and other construction equipment late last Thursday, confident that they would be the ones to finally steal the head of Thomas Jefferson from Mount Rushmore.

• HARTFORD, CT—After enduring 32 years of mediocrity as Carl S. Myers, this fed-up insurance salesman decided to give the name C. Scott Myers a shot.

• Philips Electronics NV (PHG)

  Philips gained a hundredth of a point early in the day when a casual conversation between friends at a local coffee shop included the remark, "So Magnavox is still around, huh?"