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Shaking Off Amnesia, Gonzales Remembers He's Actually Pool Salesman From Tulsa

• Davey Gendelman Hits Puberty

  ISSUE 43•24 | 06.13.07 | News

  WHITFORD, NJ—School security camera footage showed that Gendleman now experiences spontaneous erections, especially while sitting near classmate Sarah Miller. more»

  

• Cracker Barrel Announces Plans To Build Another One Out By The Highway

  ISSUE 43•24 | 06.15.07 | News

  LEBANON, TN—"Cracker Barrel preserves a special way of life," said CEO Michael Woodhouse, pointing to the same scale model used for all new-location announcements. more»

  

• Single Bee Sends Gathering Of Humans Into Helpless Panic

  ISSUE 43•24 | 06.16.07 | News

  DALLAS, TX—Civil engineer, marathon runner, and Gulf War veteran Scott Fogel leaped back several feet and hid behind a waste can to escape the .03-ounce insect. more»

  

• Drunk Guy Knows All The Lyrics To This Song

  ISSUE 43•24 | 06.11.07 | News in Brief

  ATHENS, OH—Keith Bonifer, 34, a regular and frequently intoxicated patron of Araby's Pub, impressed fellow customers Tuesday by accurately... more»

• Author To Use Water As Metaphor

  ISSUE 43•24 | 06.12.07 | News in Brief

  CHAPEL HILL, NC—Novelist, playwright, and poet H. Gregor Lafferty, 41, announced Monday his plan to use water as a metaphor in an upcoming... more»

• Congress Passes Seriously Uncool Legislation

  ISSUE 43•24 | 06.13.07 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON, DC—In a total buzzkill, the Senate on Friday passed some seriously lame legislation by a vote of 89-7, one week after the House... more»

• Middle Manager Announces Plans To Skedaddle

  ISSUE 43•24 | 06.14.07 | News in Brief

  ST. PAUL, MN—Following the successful completion of a large collating project, administrative supervisor Becky Szafranski announced plans to... more»

• Endangered Species List Edited To Fit Poster

  ISSUE 44•27 ISSUE 43•24 | 06.15.07 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON, DC—World Wildlife Fund president Carter S. Roberts said Monday that his organization was forced to pare down the list of... more»

• Russia Engages In Saber Rattling

  ISSUE 43•24 | 06.13.07 | Infographic

  Recently, Russia has engaged in what seem to be Soviet-era tactics, such as a ballistic missile test, a threat to target Europe, and a suspected... more»

  

• Your Horoscope

  ISSUE 43•24 | 06.12.07 | Horoscope

• Top Fears, By Age

  ISSUE 43•24 | 06.13.07 | Statshot

  

• Pope Unveils New Christ Hammer

  ISSUE 43•24 | 06.12.07 | Radio News

• New Total-Fucking-Mess Czar To Oversee America's Total Fucking Messes

  ISSUE 43•24 | 06.13.07 | Radio News

• Nerds Take Over Military Base With Computers, Other Nerd Shit

  ISSUE 43•24 | 06.14.07 | Radio News

• Dolph Lundgren Wins Long, Courageous Battle With Fame

  ISSUE 43•24 | 06.16.07 | Radio News

• St. Christopher Statue Embedded In Motorist's Forehead

  ISSUE 43•24 | 06.17.07 | Radio News

• Entire Meal Pig-Based

  ISSUE 43•24 | 06.18.07 | Radio News

• Dept. Of Homeland Security Introduces DHS For Men

  ISSUE 43•24 | 06.12.07 | News in Photos

  

• Jeremy Piven Outraged Microsoft Word Doesn't Recognize His Name

  ISSUE 43•24 | 06.13.07 | News in Photos

  

• I've Got Some Bad News, And I've Got Some Hilarious News

  ISSUE 43•24 | 06.13.07 | Commentary

  What I have to tell you now is very difficult for me to say, both because it is emotionally painful and because, quite frankly, it's hard to keep... more»

• Third Time's Even More The Charm!

  ISSUE 43•24 | 06.13.07 | Commentary

  Item! Am I the only one who's noticed that the movie houses are just bursting with must-see sequels-to-sequels these days? Talk about a... more»

• June 13, 1967

  ISSUE 43•24 | 06.15.07 | History

  Hippies Celebrating 'Fuck-Summer' `67 more»

  

• 50 Most Attainable Women

  ISSUE 43•24 | 06.15.07 | Sunday Magazine

  

• Editorial Cartoon - June 11, 2007

  ISSUE 43•24 | 06.11.07 | Editorial Cartoon

  

• Editorial Cartoon - June 18, 2007

  ISSUE 43•24 | 06.18.07 | Editorial Cartoon

  

• Rafael Nadal Credits French Open Success To Living In A World Of Clay

  ISSUE 43•52 ISSUE 43•24 | 06.14.07 | Sports News

  MALLORCA, SPAIN—In a relaxed group interview given immediately following his record-tying third consecutive French Open victory, world No. 2-ranked tennis player Rafael Nadal attributed his astounding clay-court performance to staying... more»

  

• Scrappy Underdog Yankees Refusing To Go Away

  ISSUE 43•24 | 06.14.07 | Sports News in Brief

  NEW YORK—Though they were written off at the beginning of the season, the underdog New York Yankees refuse to succumb to their obvious lack... more»

• Oakmont Country Club Members Refuse To Give Up Regular Weekly Tee Times

  ISSUE 43•24 | 06.14.07 | Sports News in Brief

  OAKMONT, PA—The membership at Oakmont Country Club informed PGA Tour commissioner Tim Finchem yesterday that they will not be denied their... more»

• 10-Year-Old Asks Why Interleague Play Is Good

  ISSUE 43•24 | 06.14.07 | Sports News in Brief

  BELLINGHAM, WA—After watching his beloved Seattle Mariners prevail against the San Diego Padres, third-grader Timmy Hastert was moved to ask... more»

• Mike Brown Feels Cavs Are Being Outvictoried

  ISSUE 43•24 | 06.14.07 | Sports News in Brief

  CLEVELAND—Frustrated by the results of the first three NBA Finals games, Cavaliers head coach Mike Brown told reporters at a Tuesday press... more»

  

• Famous MLB Manager Tantrums

  ISSUE 43•24 | 06.14.07 | Sportsgraphic

  As Braves manager Bobby Cox approaches the all-time record for ejections from games, Onion Sports remembers baseball's all-time best on-field... more»

  

• Creepy Lifeguard Turns Out To Be Nine-Time Olympic Gold Medalist Mark Spitz

  ISSUE 43•24 | 06.14.07 | Photo Finish

  

• Study: Alzheimer’s Patients Say They Do Not Have Alzheimer’s

  ISSUE 43•24 | 06.11.07 | Newsroom

  Interviews with Alzheimer’s patients indicated that an overwhelming majority are, in fact, perfectly fine. more»

  

• Bird Flu Vaccine Approved

  ISSUE 43•24 | 06.11.07 | American Voices

  The first vaccine for avian flu was recently approved by the Food and Drug Administration. What do you think? more»

• Lieberman Advocates Attack On Iran

  ISSUE 43•24 | 06.12.07 | American Voices

  Sen. Joe Lieberman told Face The Nation the U.S. should bomb Iran because they continue to aid anti-American forces in Iraq. What do... more»

• Tonight Show Features Live Ad

  ISSUE 43•24 | 06.13.07 | American Voices

  Tuesday's broadcast of The Tonight Show included a live commercial, its first since 1995. What do you think? more»

• Bush Nominates Anti-Gay Surgeon General

  ISSUE 43•24 | 06.14.07 | American Voices

  Dr. James W. Holsinger, Jr., Bush's nominee for Surgeon General authored a 1991 medical paper arguing that homosexuality is unnatural and unhealthy.... more»

• Google Blasted Over Privacy

  ISSUE 43•24 | 06.15.07 | American Voices

  Google, the popular search engine, is under fire for having the worst privacy practices on the web. What do you think? more»

• Harry Potter And The Bookstore Losses

  ISSUE 43•24 | 06.18.07 | American Voices

  Because of intense competition, most retailers will likely be selling the new Harry Potter book at cost or less in the first week of its release.... more»

• partlycloudy

  Unclear; check back in a few minutes

• General Motors (GM)

  Stock prices fell sharply after rumors began spreading among analysts that GM’s new concept was just a Toyota Prius with some flame stickers slapped on the side.

  

• 30 Percent Of Man's Wealth Tied Up In Gift Cards

• Innovative Fashion Designer Comes Up With New Direction For Stripes To Go In

• Science Magazine Skimmed For Dinosaur Articles

• AUSTIN, TX—Long-term house guest Tamryn Gibson began seeking new accommodations after being asked by her host to empty the dishwasher.

• TWIN FALLS, ID—Another damned fool drowned in the reservoir.

• TUSCON, AZ—Billy Vee left work early again for the fourth day in a row because of "child-care issues," prompting several of his childless coworkers to discuss the reason and unanimously reach the conclusion that it was bullshit.