WHITFORD, NJ—School security camera footage showed that Gendleman now experiences spontaneous erections, especially while sitting near classmate Sarah Miller.

LEBANON, TN—"Cracker Barrel preserves a special way of life," said CEO Michael Woodhouse, pointing to the same scale model used for all new-location announcements.

DALLAS, TX—Civil engineer, marathon runner, and Gulf War veteran Scott Fogel leaped back several feet and hid behind a waste can to escape the ...

ATHENS, OH—Keith Bonifer, 34, a regular and frequently intoxicated patron of Araby's Pub, impressed fellow customers Tuesday by accurately...

CHAPEL HILL, NC—Novelist, playwright, and poet H. Gregor Lafferty, 41, announced Monday his plan to use water as a metaphor in an upcoming...

WASHINGTON, DC—In a total buzzkill, the Senate on Friday passed some seriously lame legislation by a vote of 89-7, one week after the House...

ST. PAUL, MN—Following the successful completion of a large collating project, administrative supervisor Becky Szafranski announced plans to...

WASHINGTON, DC—World Wildlife Fund president Carter S. Roberts said Monday that his organization was forced to pare down the list of...

Recently, Russia has engaged in what seem to be Soviet-era tactics, such as a ballistic missile test, a threat to target Europe, and a suspected...

Hippies Celebrating 'Fuck-Summer' `67

MALLORCA, SPAIN—In a relaxed group interview given immediately following his record-tying third consecutive French Open victory, world No. 2-ranked tennis player Rafael Nadal attributed ...

NEW YORK—Though they were written off at the beginning of the season, the underdog New York Yankees refuse to succumb to their obvious lack...

OAKMONT, PA—The membership at Oakmont Country Club informed PGA Tour commissioner Tim Finchem yesterday that they will not be denied their...

BELLINGHAM, WA—After watching his beloved Seattle Mariners prevail against the San Diego Padres, third-grader Timmy Hastert was moved to ask...

CLEVELAND—Frustrated by the results of the first three NBA Finals games, Cavaliers head coach Mike Brown told reporters at a Tuesday press...

As Braves manager Bobby Cox approaches the all-time record for ejections from games, Onion Sports remembers baseball's all-time best on-field...

Interviews with Alzheimer’s patients indicated that an overwhelming majority are, in fact, perfectly fine.

The first vaccine for avian flu was recently approved by the Food and Drug Administration. What do you think?

Sen. Joe Lieberman told Face The Nation the U.S. should bomb Iran because they continue to aid anti-American forces in Iraq. What do...

Tuesday's broadcast of The Tonight Show included a live commercial, its first since 1995. What do you think?

Dr. James W. Holsinger, Jr., Bush's nominee for Surgeon General authored a 1991 medical paper arguing that homosexuality is unnatural and unhealthy....

Google, the popular search engine, is under fire for having the worst privacy practices on the web. What do you think?

Because of intense competition, most retailers will likely be selling the new Harry Potter book at cost or less in the first week of its ...