'Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah' To Be Adapted Into Major Motion Picture

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Issue 4325

Bar Skanks Announce Plans To Kiss

COLUMBUS, OH—The skanks would neither confirm nor deny that the kiss would involve tongue, forcing many bargoers to wait and continuously eye the suggestive pair.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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House and Home

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.