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James Gandolfini Shot By Closure-Seeking Fan

• Bush: Maybe U.S. Military 'Just Not Very Good'

  ISSUE 43•26 | 06.27.07 | News

  WASHINGTON, DC —"Maybe our men and women overseas just aren't what they're cracked up to be," said the President Bush of the thorough lack of quality in personnel. more»

  

• Sports Unable To Heal Small Town Following Tragedy

  ISSUE 43•52 ISSUE 43•26 | 06.28.07 | News

  MILL RUN, PA—In a town where residents are still in shock over last Sunday's brutal mass slaying, in which a mentally disturbed man shot 17 men, women, and children in Main Street's St. John The Baptist Church before turning his shotgun on... more»

  

• Construction Worker Still Hasn't Given Up On True Love

  ISSUE 43•26 | 06.29.07 | News

  NEW YORK, NY —A hopeless romantic, Barbierri tries to touch upon the individual qualities of each woman he greets, from great legs to visible nipples. more»

  

• Health Department Closes Perfectly Good Burrito Place

  ISSUE 43•26 | 06.30.07 | News

  COLUMBUS, OH —While the city's report criticized employees for refusing to wear hairnets and shirts, it failed to point out that Burrito Max served way awesome burritos. more»

  

• Greenspan Comes Out Of Retirement For One More Interest Rate Hike

  ISSUE 43•26 | 06.25.07 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON, DC—Confirming a rumor that first appeared in March on the FDIC Fan Forum message board, former Federal Reserve chairman Alan... more»

• Report: FBI Learns Of Plot To Download Old School

  ISSUE 43•26 | 06.26.07 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON, DC—Citing evidence culled from Internet and cellular phone chatter, the FBI announced Monday that they have "significant reason... more»

• Wife's Needs Gross

  ISSUE 43•26 | 06.27.07 | News in Brief

  EDINA, MN—Janice Fewless' sexual, emotional, and toiletry requirements are "really starting to get disgusting," her husband, Kenneth... more»

• Asthmatic Child Tired Of Hearing List Of Famous Asthmatics

  ISSUE 43•26 | 06.28.07 | News in Brief

  LEXINGTON, PA—Thirteen-year-old asthmatic Nate Bothman told reporters Monday that his mother's penchant for telling him about famous... more»

• New Sealy Mattress Recreates Feeling Of Falling Asleep On Bus

  ISSUE 43•26 | 06.29.07 | News in Brief

  TRINITY, NC—Sealy, the company known for providing innovative sleep technology with its Posturepedic, TrueForm, and SpringFree mattresses,... more»

• Sicko Opens This Weekend

  ISSUE 43•26 | 06.27.07 | Infographic

  Sicko, Michael Moore's documentary attack on the American health care system, opens this weekend. What are some of the film's... more»

  

• Your Horoscope

  ISSUE 43•26 | 06.26.07 | Horoscope

• Top Chinese Manufacturing Recalls

  ISSUE 43•26 | 06.27.07 | Statshot

  

• Alabama Braces For Raccoon Attacks After Coonhounds Go Missing

  ISSUE 43•26 | 06.27.07 | Radio News

• Stranger In Black Solves Small-Town Zoning Dispute

  ISSUE 43•26 | 06.28.07 | Radio News

• Local Pastor Solves Problem By Quoting Scripture

  ISSUE 43•26 | 06.29.07 | Radio News

• Some Dork Brought In To Address Civics Class

  ISSUE 43•26 | 06.30.07 | Radio News

• Bloodthirsty, Undead Ghoul Advocates Chocolate-Cereal Consumption

  ISSUE 43•26 | 07.01.07 | Radio News

• Tai Chi Practitioner Really Slowly Dislocates Knee

  ISSUE 43•26 | 06.26.07 | News in Photos

  

• 4-Year-Old's Idea Of Barbie, Ken Marriage Involves Lots Of Head Collisions

  ISSUE 43•26 | 06.27.07 | News in Photos

  

• Where Do Homosexuals Get All Their Energy?

  ISSUE 44•26 ISSUE 43•26 | 06.27.07 | Commentary

  Boy, am I beat. And it's not like I have some crazy life where I'm working three jobs and going to night school. No, I just have one job and a... more»

• Ha! Ha! Ha! I Can’t Believe How Funny This Sitcom Is!

  ISSUE 43•26 | 06.27.07 | Commentary

  Ooh! Here comes the best show on television! I wonder what kind of hilarious antics these so-and-so's get into this week. Ooh! Ooh! Here comes the... more»

• How Pete Doherty Became A Shadow Of His Former Shell

  ISSUE 43•26 | 06.29.07 | Sunday Magazine

  

• Editorial Cartoon - June 25, 2007

  ISSUE 43•26 | 06.25.07 | Editorial Cartoon

  

• Report:  Kenny Mayne Incapable Of Carrying On A Normal Conversation

  ISSUE 43•26 | 06.28.07 | Sports News in Brief

  BRISTOL, CT—ESPN sources are confirming that longtime SportsCenter on-air personality Kenny Mayne is, as long suspected, completely... more»

• Player To Be Named Later Knows It's Him

  ISSUE 43•26 | 06.28.07 | Sports News in Brief

  ST. LOUIS—Following Monday's trade between the St. Louis Cardinals and the Tampa Bay Devil Rays involving several named individuals and a... more»

• Player Feels Need To Clarify Comments After They're Received Poorly

  ISSUE 43•26 | 06.28.07 | Sports News in Brief

  MIAMI, FL—Upon learning that his post-game comments were reported in a manner that portrayed him as uncaring, selfish, and possibly... more»

• Curt Schilling To Start LiveBlogging From Mound

  ISSUE 43•26 | 06.28.07 | Sports News in Brief

  BOSTON—Curt Schilling announced Monday that, upon his eventual return from the disabled list, he will begin liveblogging from the pitcher's... more»

  

• Biggest Busts In NBA Draft History

  ISSUE 43•26 | 06.28.07 | Sportsgraphic

  As the NBA Draft approaches, Onion Sports looks at some of the historic mistakes teams have made picking new talent: more»

  

• Jonathan Papelbon's 95 mph Water Balloon Ruins Family Barbecue

  ISSUE 43•52 ISSUE 43•26 | 06.28.07 | Photo Finish

  

• Tired Of Traffic? A New DOT Report Urges Drivers: 'Honk'

  ISSUE 43•26 | 06.26.07 | Newsroom

  The Department of Transportation reports gridlock can be eliminated by simply honking your car's horn. more»

  

• U.S. Department of Lost and Found: Umbrellas and Sweaters

  ISSUE 43•26 | 06.28.07 | O-SPAN

  Have you lost something? The U.S. Department of Lost and Found helps Americans find their misplaced possessions. more»

  

• Fewer Boys Being Born

  ISSUE 43•26 | 06.26.07 | American Voices

  According to data gathered by the University of Pittsburgh, the number of male births has declined since 1970. What do you think? more»

• Dieting Doesn't Work

  ISSUE 43•26 | 06.26.07 | American Voices

  According to a comprehensive review of 31 long-term studies, scientists at the University of California say that dieting does not result in permanent... more»

• Combat Service Doubles Suicide Risk

  ISSUE 43•26 | 06.27.07 | American Voices

  A report in the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health states that white men who served in combat in the U.S. armed forces are twice as... more»

• Professional Porn Sales Down

  ISSUE 43•26 | 06.28.07 | American Voices

  Sales and rentals of adult DVDs are down 30 percent due to the rise in homemade Internet porn. What do you think? more»

• Gay Marriage Could Be Profitable

  ISSUE 44•26 ISSUE 43•26 | 06.29.07 | American Voices

  According to a report from the city's comptroller, New York City would stand to gain $142 million in the first three years of legalized gay marriage.... more»

• Our Towns

  ISSUE 43•26 | 06.26.07 | Slideshow

  

• sun

  Skort advisory

• Block Party Watched Through Curtains

• FCC Heard That, Mister

• Evolution Textbook Hidden Under Mattress

• Microsoft (MSFT)

  Just kidding. It's way up.

  

• CHICAGO—Janet Gillsburg signed into Instant Messenger for a brief moment and then immediately signed out, notifying the portion of her buddy list who were online that they were not worthy of her attention.

• CONCORD, NH—Convinced of a looming assassination attempt, Mayor Nicholas Kusnetz opted not to attend the grand opening of the new Red Lobster on Route 9.

• LOS ANGELES—After checking to make sure no one else was in the lab, crime scene investigator Lars Samulson mumbled/sang the first two choruses of 'Who Are You.'