Bush: Maybe U.S. Military 'Just Not Very Good'
WASHINGTON, DC —"Maybe our men and women overseas just aren't what they're cracked up to be," said the President Bush of the thorough ...
Issue 4326
Sports Unable To Heal Small Town Following Tragedy
MILL RUN, PA—In a town where residents are still in shock over last Sunday's brutal mass slaying, in which a mentally disturbed man ...
Construction Worker Still Hasn't Given Up On True Love
NEW YORK, NY —A hopeless romantic, Barbierri tries to touch upon the individual qualities of each woman he greets, from great legs to visible nipples.
Health Department Closes Perfectly Good Burrito Place
COLUMBUS, OH —While the city's report criticized employees for refusing to wear hairnets and shirts, it failed to point out that Burrito Max served ...
Greenspan Comes Out Of Retirement For One More Interest Rate Hike
WASHINGTON, DC—Confirming a rumor that first appeared in March on the FDIC Fan Forum message board, former Federal Reserve chairman Alan...
Report: FBI Learns Of Plot To Download Old School
WASHINGTON, DC—Citing evidence culled from Internet and cellular phone chatter, the FBI announced Monday that they have "significant reason...
Wife's Needs Gross
EDINA, MN—Janice Fewless' sexual, emotional, and toiletry requirements are "really starting to get disgusting," her husband, Kenneth...
Asthmatic Child Tired Of Hearing List Of Famous Asthmatics
LEXINGTON, PA—Thirteen-year-old asthmatic Nate Bothman told reporters Monday that his mother's penchant for telling him about famous...
New Sealy Mattress Recreates Feeling Of Falling Asleep On Bus
TRINITY, NC—Sealy, the company known for providing innovative sleep technology with its Posturepedic, TrueForm, and SpringFree mattresses,...
Sicko Opens This Weekend
Sicko, Michael Moore's documentary attack on the American health care system, opens this weekend. What are some of the film's...
Report: Kenny Mayne Incapable Of Carrying On A Normal Conversation
BRISTOL, CT—ESPN sources are confirming that longtime SportsCenter on-air personality Kenny Mayne is, as long suspected, completely...
Player To Be Named Later Knows It's Him
ST. LOUIS—Following Monday's trade between the St. Louis Cardinals and the Tampa Bay Devil Rays involving several named individuals and a...
Player Feels Need To Clarify Comments After They're Received Poorly
MIAMI, FL—Upon learning that his post-game comments were reported in a manner that portrayed him as uncaring, selfish, and possibly...
Curt Schilling To Start LiveBlogging From Mound
BOSTON—Curt Schilling announced Monday that, upon his eventual return from the disabled list, he will begin liveblogging from the pitcher's...
Biggest Busts In NBA Draft History
As the NBA Draft approaches, Onion Sports looks at some of the historic mistakes teams have made picking new talent:
Tired Of Traffic? A New DOT Report Urges Drivers: 'Honk'
The Department of Transportation reports gridlock can be eliminated by simply honking your car's horn.
U.S. Department of Lost and Found: Umbrellas and Sweaters
Have you lost something? The U.S. Department of Lost and Found helps Americans find their misplaced possessions.
Fewer Boys Being Born
According to data gathered by the University of Pittsburgh, the number of male births has declined since 1970. What do you think?
Dieting Doesn't Work
According to a comprehensive review of 31 long-term studies, scientists at the University of California say that dieting does not result in permanent...
Combat Service Doubles Suicide Risk
A report in the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health states that white men who served in combat in the U.S. armed forces are ...
Professional Porn Sales Down
Sales and rentals of adult DVDs are down 30 percent due to the rise in homemade Internet porn. What do you think?
Gay Marriage Could Be Profitable
According to a report from the city's comptroller, New York City would stand to gain $142 million in the first three years of legalized ...
