'We're Getting The Hell Out Of This Sewer,' Entire Populace Reports
NEW YORK—At 4:32 p.m. Tuesday, every single resident of New York City decided to evacuate the famed metropolis, having simultaneously realized it was nothing more than a massive, trash-ridden hellhole that slowly sucks the life out of every one of its inhabitants.
COUNCIL BLUFFS, IA—As he trumpeted his comprehensive knowledge of the manifold ways that the religious group has colluded to consolidate global power, sources confirmed Wednesday that local man Will Logan, an expert on the international Jewish conspiracy, has never been more than 40 miles outside of Council Bluffs, IA.
ELK RAPIDS, MI—The insight abruptly springing to mind as the bird took flight, a local goose suddenly realized Wednesday that it doesn’t have to honk like an idiot the entire time it’s flapping its wings.
CAMBRIDGE, MA—Midway through a routine laboratory session Wednesday, sources say MIT graduate student Evan Ward casually remarked “What if we try this?” before making a small change to a robotic device that will one day eliminate 30 percent of the U.S. workforce.