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U.S. 'Sends Message' to Iraq With Massive Display of Beefcake

• Supreme Court Rules Supreme Court Rules

  ISSUE 46•26 ISSUE 43•27 ISSUE 31•02 | 01.22.97 | News

  WASHINGTON, DC—In a landmark decision Monday, the United States Supreme Court ruled 8-1 that it rules. more»

  

• Nation Prepares For Very Special Television Event

  ISSUE 43•27 ISSUE 32•10 | 10.07.97 | News

  LOS ANGELES—With less than 72 hours to go before what many are calling the television event of October, if not the year, businesses, schools and government buildings across the U.S. are closing in preparation for the long-awaited season premiere of Just Us. more»

  

• Texans Elect Gun

  ISSUE 43•39 ISSUE 43•27 | 11.04.97 | News

  AUSTIN, TX—In a landslide decision, the people of Texas elected a .44-caliber revolver to the U.S. Senate. more»

  

• Poll: 73 Percent Of Americans Unable To Believe This Shit

  ISSUE 43•27 ISSUE 34•10 | 10.07.98 | News

  PRINCETON, NJ–According to the latest Gallup Poll, conducted Monday and Tuesday of this week, nearly three out of four Americans can no longer believe this shit. more»

  

• Congress Passes 'America Is #1' Bill

  ISSUE 46•26 ISSUE 43•27 ISSUE 35•36 | 10.06.99 | News

  WASHINGTON, DC—In yet another victory for America, the bill that makes its greatness official passed Congress Monday. more»

  

• American People To Live Happily Ever After

  ISSUE 43•27 ISSUE 36•16 | 05.03.00 | News

  WASHINGTON, DC—President Clinton announced that the Bad Times are over, and we all shall live happily forever and ever. more»

  

• U.S. No Longer Responsible For Lost Or Stolen Items

  ISSUE 43•27 ISSUE 36•19 | 05.24.00 | News

  WASHINGTON, DC–Holding aloft a box of unclaimed coats, wallets, and in-line skates labeled "Cincinnati," Secretary of the Interior Bruce Babbitt announced Monday that the federal government is no longer responsible for personal items lost or stolen within U.S. borders. more»

  

• Collecting All 50 State Quarters Senior's Only Reason To Remain Alive

  ISSUE 43•27 ISSUE 37•25 | 07.25.01 | News

  LAKE HAVASU CITY, AZ—Raymond Pfaff, 91, clings to life in the hopes of making it all the way to the Hawaii quarter’s release. more»

  

• Bush Seeks U.N. Support For 'U.S. Does Whatever It Wants' Plan

  ISSUE 43•27 ISSUE 38•36 | 10.02.02 | News

  UNITED NATIONS—The plan would permit the U.S. to take any action it wishes anywhere in the world at any time. more»

  

• Relations Break Down Between U.S. And Them

  ISSUE 43•27 ISSUE 39•35 | 09.10.03 | News

  WASHINGTON, DC—After decades of antagonism between the two global powers, the U.S. has officially severed relations with Them, Bush administration officials announced Tuesday. more»

  

• Heartbreaking Country Ballad Paralyzes Trucking Industry

  ISSUE 43•27 ISSUE 40•22 | 06.02.04 | News

  NASHVILLE, TN—At any given time, 45 percent of all truckers are idling on the side of the road listening to this ballad of heartbreak and loss. more»

  

• America's Sweetheart Dumps U.S. For Some Douchebag

  ISSUE 46•26 ISSUE 43•27 ISSUE 40•33 | 08.18.04 | News

  HOLLYWOOD, CA—Americans gathered Monday to discuss their feelings of heartbreak, anger, and resentment toward America's sweetheart Kirsten Dunst, after the film star broke up with the U.S. to be with some douchebag that everyone thought was gay. more»

  

• National Museum Of The Middle Class Opens In Schaumburg, IL

  ISSUE 43•27 ISSUE 40•44 | 11.03.04 | News

  SCHAUMBURG, IL—The museum details the history of these interesting people, from their "day trips" to their "baseball games." more»

  

• Report: America Ready For Third Ketchup Brand

  ISSUE 43•27 ISSUE 36•36 | 10.11.00 | News in Brief

  ITHACA, NY–According to a report released Monday by Cornell University's College Of Food Science, America is ready for a third brand of ketchup. "Our research indicates that, after nearly 50 years as a two-brand nation, the U.S. has reached a state of what we call 'Brand-Three Preparedness,'" head researcher Dr. Diane Albrecht said. "It remains to be seen what this brand is and how its taste will differ from that of Heinz and Hunt's, but the groundwork has been laid." Albrecht added that, to go along with the third brand, the popular condiment may introduce a third spelling of its name, with leading contenders believed to be "ketsup," "catchup," and katzhup." more»

• U.S. Changes Motto To 'America... We're Gonna Make Ya Smile'

  ISSUE 43•27 ISSUE 37•07 | 02.28.01 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON, DC– After a focus group determined "In God We Trust" to be "boring," the U.S. introduced a new motto Monday: "America... We're Gonna Make Ya Smile." "We feel the new motto projects a more playful image for the nation," State Department spokesman Marlon Harris said. "This new slogan tells the world that America Is Fun Country." Harris added that "E Pluribus Unum" will be replaced on all currency with "U.S. Fever–Catch It!" more»

• American People Shrug, Line Up For Fingerprinting

  ISSUE 43•27 ISSUE 38•37 | 10.09.02 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON, DC—Assuming that there must be a good reason for the order, U.S. citizens lined up at elementary schools and community centers across the nation Monday for government-mandated fingerprinting. "I'm not exactly sure what this is all about," said Ft. Smith, AR, resident Meredith Lovell while waiting in line. "But given all the crazy stuff that's going on these days, I'm sure the government has a very good reason." Said Amos Hawkins, a Rockford, IL, delivery driver: "I guess this is another thing they have to do to ensure our freedom." more»

• Georgia School Board Bans 'Theory Of Math'

  ISSUE 43•27 ISSUE 38•38 | 10.16.02 | News in Brief

  COGDELL, GA—The Cogdell School Board banned the teaching of the controversial "Theory Of Math" in its schools Monday. "We are simply not confident of this mysterious process by which numbers turn, as if by magic, into other numbers," board member Gus Reese said. "Those mathematicians are free to believe 3 times 4 equals 12, but that dun [sic] give them the right to force it on our children." Under the new ruling, all math textbooks will carry a disclaimer noting that math is only one of many valid theories of number-manipulation. more»

• 85 Percent Of U.S. Cole Slaw Remains Uneaten

  ISSUE 43•27 ISSUE 38•43 | 11.20.02 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON, DC—According to a report released Monday by the Department of Sides and Garnishes, 85 percent of U.S. cole slaw is never consumed. "Extensive surveying of restaurant bus tubs and waste bins indicates that for every 120 tons of slaw produced, only 18 tons end up being eaten," the study reported. The study focused exclusively on U.S. restaurants, as there is no evidence that anyone has ever made cole slaw for home consumption. more»

• Miss Nude America Loses Title After Appearing Clothed In Woman's Day

  ISSUE 43•27 ISSUE 38•46 | 12.11.02 | News in Brief

  OCALA, FL—Tawny Bridges, Miss Nude America 2003, was forced to relinquish her crown amid scandal Monday, when it was discovered that she had appeared clothed in a 1999 issue of Woman's Day magazine. "Miss Bridges has conducted herself in a wholesome manner entirely unbecoming of this title," pageant chairman Peter Taub said. "We are a non-profit pageant that provides scholarships to promising young nude women and cannot condone her decision to pose clad." more»

• Revised Patriot Act Will Make It Illegal To Read Patriot Act

  ISSUE 43•27 ISSUE 39•36 | 09.17.03 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON, DC—President Bush spoke out Monday in support of a revised version of the 2001 USA Patriot Act that would make it illegal to read the USA Patriot Act. "Under current federal law, there are unreasonable obstacles to investigating and prosecuting acts of terrorism, including the public's access to information about how the federal police will investigate and prosecute acts of terrorism," Bush said at a press conference Monday. "For the sake of the American people, I call on Congress to pass this important law prohibiting access to itself." Bush also proposed extending the rights of states to impose the death penalty "in the wake of Sept. 11 and stuff." more»

• Congress Approves Of $250 Billion

  ISSUE 43•27 ISSUE 40•48 | 12.01.04 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON, DC—In a near-unanimous vote Monday, 434 members of the House and all 100 senators voiced their approval of $250 billion. "My fellow members of Congress, $250 billion is an incredibly vast sum of money," U.S. Rep. Dennis Rehberg (R-MT) said. "That much money is totally awesome." House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), the lone dissenter, disagreed with Rehberg's assessment, saying that, unless the money was stacked on a table in one-dollar bills, it was "pretty cool," but not "awesome." more»

• Bush Celebrates Millionth Utterance Of 'Lessons Of Sept. 11'

  ISSUE 43•27 ISSUE 41•01 | 01.05.05 | News in Brief

  NEW YORK (Sept. 3)—The already jubilant mood of the Republican National Convention was given a further boost Thursday night when, during his closing address at Madison Square Garden, President Bush uttered the phrase "the lessons of Sept. 11" for the one-millionth time. "The American people have risen to the challenges of the past three years, working tirelessly to ensure that the world will never forget...the lessons of Sept. 11," Bush said and outstretched his arms as balloons and confetti rained down on the delegates, whose deafening cheers lasted nearly five minutes. To make the event possible, Bush crammed hundreds of references to the "lessons of Sept. 11" into campaign speeches during the days leading up to the speech, sometimes simply chanting the four words repeatedly for several minutes. more»

• Republicans, Democrats Unite In Good Laugh Over Reform Party

  ISSUE 43•27 ISSUE 41•35 | 08.31.05 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON, DC—In a rare moment of bipartisan unity, lawmakers on both sides of the aisle fondly recalled the Reform Party Tuesday. "Remember 'Ross For Boss'?" Sen. Bill Frist (R-TN) said, laughing uncontrollably at the memory of the closest thing America has seen to a viable third party in recent history. "Plus Trump, Warren Beatty... And what was the deal with that crazy admiral guy who died?" Sen. Edward Kennedy (D-MA) joined in the fun, saying, "And that platform they had full of, aw, who knows what. 'Reform,' I guess!" The senators then spent an hour slapping each other on the backs, gleefully recalling the Reform Party's credo of "radical centrism" and pro wrestler Jesse Ventura's election as governor of Minnesota. Said Robert Byrd (D­WV): "They really thought they had something going there for a while!" more»

• Fan-Favorite First Season Of Bush Administration Released On DVD

  ISSUE 43•27 ISSUE 42•25 | 06.20.06 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON, DC—Responding to growing demand, the Bush Administration has announced that their popular and critically acclaimed first season... more»

• Military Recruiter Upset Area Man Hasn't Called Him Back

  ISSUE 46•26 ISSUE 43•27 ISSUE 42•41 | 10.12.06 | News in Brief

  EAST ST. LOUIS, MO—Army Staff Sergeant Declan Morris announced that he has "no idea what to think" concerning potential recruit Justin... more»

• The Patriot Act's Problem Parts

  ISSUE 43•27 ISSUE 40•05 | 02.04.04 | Infographic

  A federal judge in Los Angeles recently struck down a section of the Patriot Act, decalring it unconstitutional. Which parts of the law are under scrutiny? more»

  

• The New Lincoln Museum

  ISSUE 43•27 ISSUE 41•17 | 04.27.05 | Infographic

  The high-tech Abraham Lincoln Presidential Museum opened in Springfield, IL last week. What are some of its exhibits? more»

  

• Your Horoscope

  ISSUE 43•27 | 07.04.07 | Horoscope

• Fondest U.S. Memories

  ISSUE 43•27 ISSUE 41•16 | 04.20.05 | Statshot

  

• America's Most Popular Charts

  ISSUE 43•27 ISSUE 43•03 | 01.17.07 | Statshot

  

• Where Are Our Tax Dollars Going?

  ISSUE 43•27 | 06.28.07 | Statshot

  

• Miss Teen USA Seizes Crown, Declares Self Miss Teen USA For Life

  ISSUE 43•27 | 07.02.07 | Radio News

• White House Declares War On DSL Provider

  ISSUE 47•52 ISSUE 43•27 | 07.03.07 | Radio News

• Historian Has Big News For Grover Cleveland Fans

  ISSUE 43•27 | 07.04.07 | Radio News

• U.S. Upset After Aliens Land In Italy

  ISSUE 43•27 | 07.05.07 | Radio News

• Coffee Roaster Tries To Come Up With Patriotic Blend

  ISSUE 46•26 ISSUE 43•27 | 07.06.07 | Radio News

• U.S. To Slow Down Relationship With Uruguay

  ISSUE 43•27 | 07.07.07 | Radio News

• Navy Admiral Considers Death Of Son Within Acceptable Loss Range

  ISSUE 43•27 | 07.08.07 | Radio News

• Inside: America Rates The Skin Colors

  ISSUE 43•27 ISSUE 33•02 | 01.21.98 | News in Photos

  

• Puerto Rico Celebrates Dependence Day

  ISSUE 43•27 ISSUE 42•21 | 05.24.06 | News in Photos

  

• Toby Keith Struggling To Come Up With Rhyme For Ahmadinejad

  ISSUE 43•27 ISSUE 42•25 | 06.21.06 | News in Photos

  

• We Must Remember To Cap Our Nation's Pens

  ISSUE 43•27 ISSUE 31•18 | 05.14.97 | Commentary

  My friends, a foul pestilence sweeps across this land. In every citizen, there breeds a hateful cancer of indifference. Heed my words well: Cap all pens, lest the tips dry up and become unusable! more»

• I Should Not Be Allowed To Say The Following Things About America

  ISSUE 46•26 ISSUE 43•27 ISSUE 39•12 | 04.02.03 | Commentary

  As Americans, we have a right to question our government and its actions. However, while there is a time to criticize, there is also a time to follow in complacent silence. And that time is now. more»

• You Have Been Impregnated For National-Security Reasons

  ISSUE 46•26 ISSUE 43•27 ISSUE 40•22 | 06.02.04 | Commentary

  Thank you for your call, Alice. I got here as quickly as I could. Have you told anyone else? Thank God. You have no idea what a relief that is—not just for me, but for America. It is of the utmost importance that we keep this strictly between us. more»

• I'm Prepared To Give My Life For This Or Any Country

  ISSUE 46•26 ISSUE 43•27 ISSUE 43•13 | 03.28.07 | Commentary

  As a true patriot, I would gladly die in battle defending my homeland. I love my country more than my own life. But I would also be more than... more»

• June 29, 1919

  ISSUE 43•27 | 06.29.07 | History

  President Wilson Calls For Creation Of Useless World Governing Body more»

  

• July 8, 1987

  ISSUE 43•27 | 07.06.07 | History

  Americans Outraged By South Africa's Race-Divided Economic System more»

  

• America's Worthless Old Sheds

  ISSUE 43•27 ISSUE 42•13 | 03.31.06 | Sunday Magazine

  

• Why American Hubris Will Never Catch Up To Us

  ISSUE 43•27 ISSUE 42•40 | 10.06.06 | Sunday Magazine

  

• Editorial Cartoon - July 2, 2007

  ISSUE 43•27 | 07.02.07 | Editorial Cartoon

  

• We Must Retaliate With Blind Rage vs. We Must Retaliate With Measured, Focused Rage

  ISSUE 43•27 ISSUE 37•34 | 09.26.01 | Point/Counterpoint

  On Sept.11, 2001, America was hit by an unprecedented attack on its shores. The devastation and loss of life is incalculable. It is clear to me, as it should be to all Americans, what our nation must do: Retaliate with blind, violent rage, striking back with a fury and vengeance the likes of which modern man has never seen. more»

• Report: Many U.S. Parents Outsourcing Child Care Overseas

  ISSUE 43•27 | 07.02.07 | Newsroom

  Due to rising domestic wages, many American parents are saving money by using unregulated overseas workers. more»

  

• Live From Congress: Rep. Ingersoll's Murder of a Hobo

  ISSUE 43•27 | 07.05.07 | O-SPAN

  Congressman Robert Ingersol (R-SC) reads detailed report in the House of Representatives on his recent killing of a hobo. more»

  

• More TVs Than People

  ISSUE 43•27 ISSUE 42•39 | 09.27.06 | American Voices

  The average American home now contains more televisions than people. What do you think? more»

• U.S. Hits 300 Million People

  ISSUE 43•27 ISSUE 42•41 | 10.17.06 | American Voices

  The U.S. Census Bureau estimates that the U.S. population reached 300 million today at 7:46 am. What do you think? more»

• Savings Lowest Since The Depression

  ISSUE 43•27 ISSUE 43•06 | 02.05.07 | American Voices

  Personal savings in the United States is the lowest it's been since the Depression. What do you think? more»

• Bush Likens Terror War To U.S. Independence

  ISSUE 43•27 ISSUE 43•08 | 02.22.07 | American Voices

  In a speech at Mount Vernon, President Bush likened the war on terror to the Revolutionary War. What do you think? more»

• Captain America Killed

  ISSUE 43•27 ISSUE 43•10 | 03.09.07 | American Voices

  Captain America, the comic book character created during World War II as a patriotic opponent of the Nazis, was killed by sniper bullets in a recent... more»

• BETHESDA, MD—After a contentious town-hall meeting, residents decided that they are ready to get off the fence and declared themselves a part of the Confederacy, thus belatedly tipping the scales of the Civil War in the South's favor.

• WASHINGTON, D.C.—Congress has still not gathered the will to inform senators from the U.S. Virgin Islands, Oscar Vleck and Elizabeth Pendelton, that they are not really supposed to be there, and indeed aren't really senators.

• COLUMBUS, OH—Classic-car enthusiasts and GLAAD members alike were horrified on Sunday when “God Hates Fags” was found spray-painted on a 1963 Chevrolet Impala Two-Door Hardtop Sport Coupe.