KENOSHA, WI—Sources report that longtime married couple Duane and Edna Schumacher's weekend stay at Chicago's FantasyLand Suites was a grueling ordeal of unwelcome interruptions to their long-established marital routine.
WOODLAND HILLS, CA—Shape, the women's fitness magazine, has officially declared July "Let Yourself Go" Month. "You've toned those abs and burned the flab in time for bikini season... Now it's time for a meatball sandwich," wrote Shape editor-in-chief Barbara Harris in her "From The Editor" column. "Come on, live a little. Don't be a tight-ass with a tight ass. Eat, lounge, and slouch your way to a happier, more satisfied you." Features in the issue include "Girth Equals Mirth: Six Sure-Fire Techniques For Broadening That Belly," "Wrinkles: The More You Have, The More You've Lived," and "Reduce Unwanted Stress By Not Giving A Fuck."
OVERLAND PARK, KS—Moments after consuming the twelfth and final Hostess™ powdered-sugar donut, Overland Park resident Patrick Angelis, 46, admitted Monday that eating an entire box of donuts was not originally part of his plan for the evening. "I figured I'd kick back in front of the TV, watch King Of Queens and Yes, Dear, and maybe enjoy a donut or two," the sated, powder-faced Angelis said. "But before you know it, the whole box was gone." Added Angelis: "Hey, you gotta stay flexible; take what the night brings you."
WABENO, WI—A visit to a Native American museum deteriorated into a cigarette-buying spree Sunday, when Milwaukee couple Tracie Hagen and Adam Bersold were lured away from the Potawatomi Historical Center by the chance to buy tax-free cigarettes at a nearby smoke shop.
TARPON SPRINGS, FL—Semi-retired attorney George Schulman, 62, is already expressing remorse over his move into a Suncruiser 360 houseboat last Saturday. "I thought it would be more like MacGyver or, you know, Simon & Simon. But it's just sort of boring," Schulman told reporters Monday. "The whole marina reeks of old fish, and I'm gonna kill somebody if I hear another goddamn Jimmy Buffett song blaring from that oyster bar over by the dock." Schulman went on to express regret about spending more than $400 on Hawaiian-print shirts.
CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA–Insisting that calling the liquor store for assistance is "totally unnecessary," University of Virginia sophomore and house-party attendee Josh Pelham heroically vowed to fix a broken keg himself Monday. "Everybody, just have the MGDs in the fridge for now–I'll figure this out quick," said Pelham, standing over the far-from-tapped keg. "My brother did this once with, like, a wrench. Is there a wrench around?" Over the course of the next hour, Pelham went on to request a coat hanger, kitchen knife, and crowbar.
KEYSTONE, SD–Despite predictions to the contrary, the Lurmans' visit to Mount Rushmore failed to enrich the Portage, MI, family or bring its members closer together. "I guess I thought we'd all bond a little," father Tom Lurman said. "But, aside from lending [daughter] Katie $5 to get something at the snack bar, we didn't really even interact all that much." Lurman said he was prepared to share details of the construction of the monument with his children, but they never asked.
There are some things in life we all enjoy: the beauty of an ocean sunset, a tall glass of lemonade on a hot summer's afternoon, the warm glow of a roaring fire with a mug of steaming cocoa at Christmastime. But, while all of those things are nice, they don't hold a candle to the joys of a big, comfy four-piece sectional. Or a soft-cover three-seater with extra-wide arm pads. Sure, everybody likes lying on couches, but in my case, I guess you could say it's been a lifelong love of mine.
July is the cruelest month for T. Herman Zweibel. My regular summer sabbatical usually falls during that month, and I find my-self as idle as a grass-hopper. Great blocks of ice have to be placed in my bed-chamber so my skin doesn't melt away in the oppressive heat. You see, most of my skin dropped off about 30 years ago, and was replaced with wax. It's true: I hired artisans from Madame Tussaud's to mold me the most robust Greco-Roman physique you could imagine. Sadly, mere weeks later, my wheel-chair was placed too close to a floor heating-vent, and in no time my beautiful body had liquefied into a great sticky pool. My servants patched me up as best they could, but to this day I look like a skeleton onto which some-one indiscriminately flung a combination of porridge and bird-shit.
TUCSON, AZ—A party is reportedly underway at 2614 Arcadia Ave., where homeowner Glen Schlatter and no one else is enjoying a six-pack of Olympia Beer. "Yeah, I'm just out here partying," Schlatter told a friend over the phone. "You oughta come down here and join in, it's a real good time." Schlatter, well-known for throwing extremely intimate affairs on weekends, is reportedly considering a whiskey purchase, which would enable him to elevate his partying status to "hearty."
NEW YORK—Upscale consumers who enjoy cigars, wine, and "all the finer things in life" will have a new magazine to enjoy beginning next month when Pompous Asshole hits the stands. Targeted at the 23- to 60-year-old pompous-asshole demographic, the new monthly magazine is expected to compete directly with Cigar Aficionado for advertising dollars. "Pompous Asshole is the magazine of the good life," said publisher Paul Westman, "And, unlike Cigar Aficionado, we truly cover it all: From tips on choosing the right humidor to advice on where to gamble in Monte Carlo to the lowdown on the new Jaguar XJ8, Pompous Asshole is the magazine no rich prick can afford to be without."
ST. THOMAS, U.S. VIRGIN ISLANDS—Speaking Wednesday from the grounds of the lavish tropical estate where he plans to spend much of his downtime while in office, Donald Trump unveiled a new presidential retreat he hopes will allow him to escape from the grueling pace of life at Mar-a-Lago.
EVERETT, WA—In an effort to comfort the weeping, hysterical child, local parents Rick and Bridget Sears assured their scared 5-year-old son Caleb that there was no such thing as Skip Bayless, sources confirmed Wednesday.
DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.