WASHINGTON, DC—Once restricted to only those who had been extra good, seconds will now be made available to the general public in over-the-kitchen-counter form.

WASHINGTON, DC—Armed with neatly lettered signs, the mob angrily chanted "Down With the Idea of Executive Privilege, Both In General And As It Relates ...

HONEYSUCKLE CORNERS, MO—The town's citizens were once the most prosperous in the region, with nearly 75% gingerbread-house ownership and an unrivaled tea-cozy-to-person ratio.

ZURICH, SWITZERLAND—The Wikipedia entry on Dada—the World War I–era "anti-art" movement characterized by random nonsense words,...

CLEVELAND—Despite having no other household responsibilities to occupy their time, none of the residents of the Cleveland YWCA Battered...

ASHLAND, OH—Despite their in-depth, seven-minute discussion on the pros and cons of hedge funds, neither Matthew Talbert, 27, nor Louis...

MUNDELEIN, IL—A legendary Burger King employee, known across the land for the heroic and selfless deed of randomly inserting a single onion...

ANN ARBOR, MI—After completing a poem originally titled "Last Dawnbreak," local poet Keith Taylor spent five additional minutes removing...

This summer has been one of the worst in recent years for flight delays, particularly for passengers stuck on the runway. Here are some of ...

Women Get Vote, Rest Rooms

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning interrupted an intrasquad scrimmage Tuesday for approximately 45 minutes in order to show backup quarterback Jim Sorgi ...

DENVER, CO—Though he is currently taking a brief sabbatical from golf to spend time with his family, David Duval once again entertained...

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Panic, confusion, and general chaos swept over the West Chandler, AZ Little League Sunday when, without warning, a player...

GREELY, CO—College football officials are hopeful that the guilty verdict handed down in the case of Mitch Cozad, the North Colorado punter...

NEW YORK—Struggling to find purpose in life after his realization that the Giants' 13-12 victory over the Ravens Sunday night would have no...

Michael Vick's criminal case may be dramatic, but the situation is hardly new. Onion Sports takes a quick look at athletes who landed on ...

Nothing can stop Carl Wainwright from doing what he loves best -- performing surgery on the human brain.

U.S. Rep. Benjamin Sinclair (R-OH) has a plan to reduce skull fucking levels in America by 5 to 7 percent.

Norway's Princess Martha Louise claims to have psychic powers and can teach people to communicate with angels. What do you think?

Responding to criticism that liquor companies were targeting underage drinkers, the California legislature voted to raise the taxes on sweetened malt...

Citing "shrinkage" as a factor in recent poor performance, Wal-Mart is instituting a number of anti-shoplifting policies, including prosecuting...

A new study shows that smokers have a poorer-than-average work performance and call in sick more than non-smokers. What do you think?

Since 1997, the use of prescription painkillers in the United States has risen 88 percent, and oxyxocone, the main ingredient in OxyContin, has...