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Woman Overjoyed By Giant Uterine Parasite

• Senate Allocates $460 Billion For Big Labor Day Sales

  ISSUE 43•35 | 08.29.07 | News

  WASHINGTON, DC—The Must Act Now Act authorizes the federal government to take full advantage of "sensational savings" on select and already-reduced merchandise. more»

  

• Dorm RA 'Not Like The Other Dorm RAs,' Says Dorm RA

  ISSUE 43•35 | 08.30.07 | News

  MINNEAPOLIS—"I might have seemed intimidating, but I'm chill," said RA Marcus Nelson, who doesn't care what his residents do as long as it doesn't get him in trouble." more»

  

• No One Cares About Your Girlfriend Back Home

  ISSUE 43•35 | 08.30.07 | News

  YOUR SCHOOL—When asked which topics they would rather hear about than your high school girlfriend, your peers cited subjects from dorm-safety to Earth Science. more»

  

• Report: School Shootings Help Prepare Students For Being Shot In Real World

  ISSUE 43•35 | 08.30.07 | News

  WASHINGTON, DC—"What hope do our children have if they're not constantly terrified of being shot dead?" said Diane Gallo, director of No Wounded Child Left Behind. more»

  

• Heartbroken Bush Runs After Departing Rove's Car

  ISSUE 43•35 | 08.31.07 | News

  WASHINGTON, DC—"Why can't I go with him? When is he coming back?" a tearful President Bush asked advisers as Karl Rove's sedan disappeared over the horizon. more»

  

• Area Man Likes To Compare Circle Of Friends To Cast Of Lost

  ISSUE 43•35 | 09.01.07 | News

  BEXLEY, OH— Friend Katie Peters is "the Kate of the group," not only because she shares the same name and is attractive, but also because she is adventurous. more»

  

• Chris Tucker To Focus Attention On Smaller, More Personal Rush Hour Projects

  ISSUE 43•35 | 08.27.07 | News in Brief

  NEW YORK—Wishing to evolve artistically beyond the blockbuster Rush Hour franchise that has made him famous, actor Chris Tucker... more»

• Town Still Can't Think Of Name For Largest, Most Used Street

  ISSUE 43•35 | 08.28.07 | News in Brief

  EDGAR, NE—Residents of the small town of Edgar have yet to come up with a fitting name for the tiny village's most highly trafficked street,... more»

• USA Today Crossword Puzzle Grants False Sense Of Intelligence

  ISSUE 43•35 | 08.29.07 | News in Brief

  DES MOINES, IA—Forty-five minutes after sitting down with a cup of coffee and the USA Today crossword, local window fashions salesman Tom... more»

• Nation's Fourth-Graders Continue To Trail Nation's Fifth-Graders

  ISSUE 43•35 | 08.30.07 | News in Brief

  WASHINGTON, DC—Data released by the National Education Association Monday showed that the wide "knowledge chasm" in American public... more»

• Freshman Bares Her Soul To Entire Dorm Floor In First Week

  ISSUE 43•35 | 08.30.07 | News in Brief

  MADISON, WI—Through tearful breakdowns, heart-to-heart conversations, and alcohol-infused emotional confessions, Chadbourne Hall resident... more»

• Prestigious University Touts Racial Diversity Of Dining Hall Staff

  ISSUE 43•35 | 08.30.07 | News in Brief

  PRINCETON, NJ—During a first-year orientation event Monday, Princeton University president Shirley M. Tilghman lauded the college's racial... more»

• Streets Of Portland Flooded With Counterfeit Toothbrushes

  ISSUE 43•35 | 08.30.07 | News in Brief

  PORTLAND, OR—The health-and-beauty-aids market in the Pacific Northwest city of Portland is on the verge of collapse due to the mass... more»

• Slightest Amount Of Physical Contact Apologized For

  ISSUE 43•35 | 08.31.07 | News in Brief

  NEW YORK—During a crowded rush-hour subway ride Monday, an inadvertent brushing of one human being's hand against the forearm of another... more»

• Remembering Princess Di

  ISSUE 43•35 | 08.29.07 | Infographic

  This Friday marks the 10th anniversary of the death of Princess Diana of Wales. What tributes are being paid to her memory? more»

  

• Your Horoscope

  ISSUE 43•35 | 08.28.07 | Horoscope

• What's plugged into the power strip?

  ISSUE 43•35 | 08.29.07 | Statshot

  

• Office Photocopier Rules Learned The Hard Way

  ISSUE 43•35 | 08.27.07 | Radio News

• Drunk Astronauts Let Chimp Land Shuttle

  ISSUE 43•35 | 08.28.07 | Radio News

• Heaven To Return 3.6 Billion Souls For Re-Judging

  ISSUE 43•35 | 08.29.07 | Radio News

• New Prosthetic Fist Restores Area Man's Ability To Punch

  ISSUE 43•35 | 08.30.07 | Radio News

• Monarch Butterfly Begins 2,000-Mile Migration Toward Windshield

  ISSUE 43•35 | 08.31.07 | Radio News

• Song About Heroin Used To Advertise Bank

  ISSUE 43•35 | 09.01.07 | Radio News

• Hamster Thrown From Remote-Control Monster Truck

  ISSUE 43•35 | 09.02.07 | Radio News

• Hedge-Fund Manager Invests Millions In Spouse's Appearance

  ISSUE 43•35 | 09.03.07 | Radio News

• Liability Waiver Carefully Lowered Into Mine Shaft

  ISSUE 43•35 | 08.28.07 | News in Photos

  

• Real-Life Log Flume Kills Family

  ISSUE 43•35 | 08.28.07 | News in Photos

  

• Picture Of iPhone Used As iPhone Wallpaper

  ISSUE 43•35 | 08.29.07 | News in Photos

  

• This Monster Problem Is Distracting This Town From The Real Issues

  ISSUE 43•35 | 08.29.07 | Commentary

  People, people, people! Put down your torches for a second. I know you're all angry that, after days of bloody and terrifying rampage, the monster... more»

• Honey, Let's Never Pass Out Angry Again

  ISSUE 43•35 | 08.29.07 | Commentary

  Last night was horrible. I'm not even going to go over who said what to whom or how you ended up sleeping in the backyard, because none of that... more»

• Depression, Alcoholism, & STDs: Which One Is Right For You?

  ISSUE 43•35 | 08.30.07 | Sunday Magazine

  

• Enough: Is It Enough?

  ISSUE 43•35 | 08.31.07 | Sunday Magazine

  

• Editorial Cartoon - August 27, 2007

  ISSUE 43•35 | 08.27.07 | Editorial Cartoon

  

• Non-Doping Cyclists Finish Tour De France

  ISSUE 43•35 | 08.30.07 | Sports News

  PARIS—A small but enthusiastic crowd of several dozen was on hand at the Tour de France's finish line on the Avenue des Champs-Élysées Tuesday to applaud the efforts of the 28 cyclists who completed the grueling 20-stage, 2,208.3-mile... more»

  

• Seriously Ill Yankees Fan Really Hoping It's Lou Gehrig's Disease

  ISSUE 43•35 | 08.30.07 | Sports News in Brief

  NEW YORK—Lifelong New York Yankees fan and construction worker Greg Snell, 44, told reporters yesterday that it would be "a great honor" if... more»

• Little League Coaches' World War II-Themed Speeches Leave Players Confused, Frightened

  ISSUE 43•35 | 08.30.07 | Sports News in Brief

  WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Though coaches for both the United States and Japanese Little League teams attempted to inspire their young squads before... more»

• Barry Zito: 'My Dad Says I Shouldn't Throw Curveballs Anymore'

  ISSUE 43•35 | 08.30.07 | Sports News in Brief

  SAN FRANCISCO—In an interview concerning his upcoming start against the Nationals, San Francisco Giants ace Barry Zito announced that he... more»

• Tim Duncan Staring At Wall Right Now

  ISSUE 43•35 | 08.30.07 | Sports News in Brief

  SAN ANTONIO—Two-time NBA MVP Tim Duncan has been sitting in his living room next to his packed gym bag and clad in his Spurs warm-up jersey... more»

  

• Notable NFL Roster Cuts

  ISSUE 43•35 | 08.30.07 | Sportsgraphic

  As NFL teams finalize their rosters in preparation for the 2007 season, Onion Sports lists the most notable cuts: more»

  

• Jerome Bettis' New Tell-All Book Brings Down Beloved Steeler Jerome Bettis

  ISSUE 43•35 | 08.30.07 | Photo Finish

  

• Beyonce Unhurt After Stray Bullet Miraculously Hits Passerby Instead

  ISSUE 43•35 | 08.27.07 | Newsroom

  Tragedy was narrowly averted when a stray bullet bound for singer Beyonce thankfully struck and became lodged in a passerby. more»

  

• National Lost And Found: Did You Lose A Flag Of The Marshall Islands?

  ISSUE 43•35 | 08.30.07 | O-SPAN

  If you've misplaced something, the National Department of Lost and Found is the place to turn. more»

  

• Attorney General Gonzales Resigns

  ISSUE 43•35 | 08.27.07 | American Voices

  Internet travel site Travelocity was fined $182,750 for booking trips to Cuba in violation of a 45-year-old embargo. What do you think? more»

• Travelocity Fined For Cuba Trips

  ISSUE 43•35 | 08.28.07 | American Voices

  Internet travel site Travelocity was fined $182,750 for booking trips to Cuba in violation of a 45-year-old embargo. What do you think? more»

• Texas Executes 400th Convict

  ISSUE 43•35 | 08.29.07 | American Voices

  Last week, the state of Texas executed its 400th prisoner since 1976, when execution was ruled constitutional. What do you think? more»

• Motor City Madman Attacks Dems

  ISSUE 43•35 | 08.30.07 | American Voices

  In a video of a recent live performance, rocker Ted Nugent launched into a tirade against Sen. Barack Obama (D-IL) and Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-NY),... more»

• Senator Craig Arrested

  ISSUE 43•35 | 08.31.07 | American Voices

  Sen. Larry Craig (R-ID) was arrested for lewd conduct at the Minneapolis-St. Paul Airport for allegedly attempting to cruise an undercover cop in a... more»

• Action Heroes

  ISSUE 43•35 | 08.28.07 | Slideshow

  

• rain

  Sensuous drizzles

• Darden Restaurants, Inc. (DRI)

  Stock prices dipped for this casual dining company–which owns Olive Garden, Red Lobster, and three other chain restaurants–after Chili's announced plans to introduce two new margaritas.

  

• Socialist Father Wants Equal Life For Son

• Entire Coffee Cake Consumed Over Trash Can

• CARSON CITY, NV—The staff of Zelda's House of Pleasure were given the day off Friday to celebrate after it was named America's Most Haunted Brothel by US News and World Report.

• PATTERSON, NJ—An employee of the Harribo Gummi Candy factory brought in a homemade mold of boot Tuesday, and everyone figured, what the hell, people will eat a gummi boot.

• MEDFORD, OR—Once again, not one person could get it together to put on Medford Heritage Days.