ARLINGTON, VA—"Sadly, many of these promiscuous singles may never realize how miserable a lifetime of supremely pleasurable sex can make them," said Dr. Sullivan.

BOULDER, CO—While some were able to make substantial gains, the activity resulted in a flooding of Sun-Maid raisins and an estimated 56 feet of ...

NEW BEDFORD, MA—"I fought in Korea, and by God I would do it again," said 76-year-old Ronald Schroyer, who immediately retook his seat.

BOSTON—A study released Tuesday by the Lyman Center for Policy Evaluation and Strategy may have uncovered a link between school-based...

NEW YORK—With the mortgage market reeling from massive loan defaults, analysts are now predicting disaster for the banner ad industry ....

WASHINGTON, DC—Rookie Secret Service agent Daniel Ferris, 32, expressed disappointment Monday upon learning there is not a series of...

NEW YORK—A recent survey published in AARP The Magazine indicates that 95 percent of the nation's retired dads are in fact "busier...

ANAHEIM, CA—Despite a long history of unstable living arrangements, failed relationships, and an overall inability to get his shit together,...

Friends and family have been in the news recently urging British pop singer Amy Winehouse to quit using drugs, saying that she has a problem ...

CLEVELAND—Establishing a reputation for quarterback performance that football insiders have called "reasonable," Browns quarterback Brady Quinn silenced his critics and stunned his coaches, teammates ...

RICHMOND, VA—In yet another installment in his series of recent confessional and contrite televised press conferences, suspended Atlanta...

NEW ORLEANS—In light of the much-needed inspiration, heightened morale, and sense of community the hurricane-ravaged city of New Orleans...

CLEVELAND—Apparently oblivious to the fact that his lifetime statistics, while repectable, are not worthy of admittance into baseball's most...

NEW YORK—Claiming that he personally was required to get everything precisely right in order for the world to enjoy the opening football...

College football is as much about pageantry and fan involvement as it is about the game. Onion Sports takes a look at some of college ...

Everything in Moss' locker besides his uniform.

Panelists discuss a new study showing the gap between the wealthy and the absurdly wealthy is widening, and how we can help the merely rich ...

Local police say they have absolutely no information about a missing college student. Alan Fisher investigates the possible rape.

Cultivation of opium poppies in Afghanistan reached a record level for the second year in a row, rising by 60 percent. What do you think?

The prices of U.S. homes fell by 3.2 percent in the second quarter, the steepest in 20 years. What do you think?

The 2007 Small Arms Survey indicates that the United States is the most armed nation in the world, with 90 guns for every 100 citizens ...

Scientists at the University of Alberta have developed a computer program that can never lose a checkers match, making checkers the most complex game...

A Defense Department report states that the percentage of blacks among active-duty recruits fell from 20 percent to 13 percent since the Afghanistan...